[samantha1]

Since graduating I have consolidated my debt several times into loans with the intent each time that I will never get into this situation again. Three years ago I consolidated a loan which was for a scary amount to me and I am 10 payments away from paying it off but in the time since I have managed to run up debt again, consolidated into a smaller loan which my husband knows nothing about as I am ashamed of what I have done. I have since then run up credit card debt. Since watching spendaholics I have realised I need to address the problems behind my spending and really want to stop. Over the last few months I have set a budget each month, withdrawn the cash and fought my urges to spend. I would just like some advice to help me stop wanting to spend. I spend the majority on clothes, with an aim of making myself look better and feel I always look "wrong". My weight fluctuates and I was overweight as a child and no shop manufactured clothes fitted so my dear mum had to make them. I was bullied at school over my weight and my father constantly commented and still does to this day.

[Benjamin Fry]

You are using money to achieve momentary transformation. This is likely to be highly addictive for you since it gives you a brief release from all the pain and shame that you have felt over your weight. Iím assuming that you are overweight and that this is a constant source of emotional pain. Your father obviously was unable to cope with your appearance as well and this may be the real source of your lack of self-confidence over your appearance. You may have come to associate fat with lack of love. This is likely then to have internalised itself so that you no longer love yourself, and blame it on your weight.

The experience of shopping, particularly for clothes, is designed to give you a high. In the shop in your new outfit, you feel the possibility of being a new person, of having a new life, of feeling a new way about yourself. This is intoxicating, like an ugly duckling becoming a swan. However when you get back to the real world, your home and yourself, the magic wears off and you need another fix soon enough.

The way to stop this is to tackle the issue head on. You need to unpack the layers of emotional and thought debris that make up your spontaneous reaction to how you feel about how you look. At its core is likely to be the shame that you saw reflected in your father and your fear of being rejected by him. Girls need to feel loved and accepted by their daddies. It is the foundation of feeling good about themselves as they blossom into womanhood.

Iíd recommend that you try to get some counselling on the issues of your weight and how much others have upset you over it. The way to resolve this is to talk it through so that you can find some emotional release. Also you may wish to talk about this issue head on with your father. It could help you to let him know just how painful it is for you to be talked to by him that way. You can also let him explain how difficult he finds it to have a daughter that he is perhaps disappointed by. If you can clear the air, then perhaps underneath you can connect with the more fundamental love of a father for his child.

As for the shopping, you should find that if you do some more direct work on your emotions, then the impulses lessen. However it could help also to take some practical steps like putting a post-it note in your wallet over your credit cards. You could write on it something that reminds you of your inner beauty and that shovelling your money into the coffers of the retail gods will not help you to find it.

[samantha1]

Thanks Ben, that does sound very much like me. I am not what others would regard as overweight but I do have issues with my weight and see myself as fat even though others assure me I am not.
I am going to seek out some counselling on this issue as I think it is the cause of a lot of my insecurities. I don't think my father will be prepared to talk about it with me. I am not close to him and only see him a few times a year now. Looking back I can see how he has caused me to have body issues, hes done the same to my mum (they are now divorced) and really neither of us have a problem. Where do I turn to get counselling?

[Benjamin Fry]

Good question. The UKCP and BACP are the two umbrella organisations for therapy and counselling in the UK. You can find them with an internet search.

Or try your local GP for a recommendation. Also if you have an eating disorder you should look for support groups and organisations for that which can refer you to specialists in that field.