[lollipop]

Hi,
I've just stumbled across the website after a trying morning and a huge argument with my husband, in which i realised i live my life putting a negative spin on everything.
I am 33, with 2 children and have been married to my husband for 6 years. Throughout this time we havr both had 'issues' with mental health. Him panic attacks, me post natal depression twice.
At the moment we are 2 weeks away from opening our own pub, and it has to be said that it's the most positive thing we could do to better our lives. Why am i yhen putting a negative edge to it all.
I am constantly moaning that i will never see my husband, although i don't know if this is true. Berate him when he comes home late, although he does he level best to support the family.
I couldn't ask for a more loving, supportive and caring husband, but it seems that i'm trying to push him away by being such a ***.
I can be, and know deep down that i am, a happy fun loving crazy woman, and i love the days i feel like that. I hate the days when i'm negative and whiney.
I know if i carry on like this i'll turn out like my mother whom is often very miserable and has a tendancy towards depression. I DO NOT want this.

Brief history of early adulthood:~ bullied at school from age 8-10, the butt of boys jokes at high school for being flat chested, pratically 'forgot about' at 12 when my sister had a baby at 17, forced into an abortion by my parents at 19, told i was not allowed to go to college and must work after school (10 years later this was denied).
I don't know if any of this is a cause for my feelings but they are the things that stick out to me. I tend to think if you see the negative side of things/people then you are not dissapointed by them (your expectations have been met), and anything that turns out better is a nice surprise. Dumb eh?
Anyway thanks for reading, i'm off out to buy your book when the baby wakes.

[Benjamin Fry]

Iím not surprised that you have suffered from post-natal depression if you were forced into an abortion as a teenager. Abortions can have a very deep psychological impact and if you felt it was against your will then the effect could be doubled. The arrival in your life of a healthy child would trigger all of these feelings which would overwhelm you. The only way out would be to stamp down hard on all of your emotions: this is what causes depression.

Iím also struck by the connection between being forced to work instead of going to college and the new business venture with your husband. As much as you must want to open a pub, perhaps this strikes a nerve with you. You may end up married to your job and premises as much as to your husband. This could stop you from following other more personal ambitions. Could this be replaying the work that you were coerced into at 19?

There is also another part of us that can become very fearful and emotional when we do get what we want. Like with the babies and the abortion, getting something we always lacked can trigger off all the feelings about what we lacked. This can be too much, so the answer is to denigrate what we have in the present. This could be a source of your negativity. If you can ruin your perspective of your otherwise happy life, then it becomes easier to bear the unhappiness in the past. Sounds like this is you approach to people in general too.

The way out of this is to deal with the past directly. Then you can liberate the present and the future. This probably requires some counselling. You could talk to your GP to see if you could get some help with the issues perhaps relating to the abortion and the post-natal depression. You can also help yourself with something as simply as beginning to write down your feelings and memories. The overall objective is to externalise the feelings that at the moment clog up your enjoyment of the present.

Otherwise you could start with some good self-help books. Iím sure you found a few on your visit to the book shop, but if you want mine you will probably have to order in on the internet. Very few shops stock it.

[lollipop]

Thank you for replying, although i'm sat here in tears reading it. I noticed that few shops stock your book so i will order from the site. I contacted a counsellor last week and had a session with her on Friday, it went well and i will continue to see her weekly to deal with the issues. As for the pub, it's not a lifestyle i would choose but it is something that my husband has wanted to do for a long time. We are the tenants not the landlords/managers so this will enable us to distance from the day to day running somewhat but i do still feel that the work/life balance will be tipped towards the pub.
Maybe the counselling will help me clear my head and realise what I really want.