[Sherri]

Hi Steve,

I think you are on to something.

In your first post, you've recognized a pattern in YOUR way of dealing with problems: With certain issue, to certain point, "I just can't let go of it." This pattern of dealing with things has caused much pain in your life.

You talked about being a most forgiving person, and I have no doubt about that. But I do wonder which type of forgiveness do you usually give:

A. No matter what happens, you are willing to let go of it, if it doesn't happen anymore.
Or...

B. Understand the cause of that person's behavior as a reasonable thing in THAT situation, and no longer be bothered with it even if it keeps on happening.

From your first post (I believe you've noticed that pattern for a while now), it seems that your unconscious mind has an agenda, it uses 'forgiving' as a way to allow emotions to build up, to the point you give the permission to release it. If you don't think (or maybe we should say if you are not programmed to believe) it is right to release anger, you would usually have a high threshold, and your unconscious mind would have to work very hard (for example, making you a very reasonable person to allow anger to build up) in order to resolve the issue. The aim of your unconscious mind is not about releasing anger. This is why no matter how many times you release anger, how many times you ruined your relationships with whomever, it keeps on happening.

The way out of this is to understand why you NEED to build up anger, and what issue your unconscious mind is trying to resolve. And the way to do this is to focus inward when you feel strong emotion, try to notice what it relates to, and try to remember when was the similar sensation in your early life, the earlier the better.

If there is a pattern in your ways of dealing, I suspect there might be a pattern in those issues that cause your strong emotional reaction. Only you know better what those events are. It might shad some light on what is the issue inside of you. Don't just generalize them as 'my principles'. Everyone has different set of principles, and it says something about that person's experience in the past, or a hurtful feeling towards it. Or you can take a look at all your principles, and see if they ALL have to be a matter of principles, and why.

Take this case for example. It could be about respecting mother; about you were taught to do so. Were you always willing to do that? Why? Did you ever question or challenge that idea? Why? This case could also be about something you care for is being hurt. Or it could be that YOU were always HAVE to do the "RIGHT" thing, while others don't. There is also a matter of you 'losing' someone or something. When did that happened?

What was the earliest event in your childhood, that you wish to revenge but was not able to? Did it somehow relate to something that you did and regret?

"I think sometimes I keep hoping that people will see that they're upsetting me," Have you been doing that since childhood? Or you were not supposed to express your feeling when you were hurt. Who was that "loser" that did nothing but reasoning? Who kept on forgiving and let people think its ok to treat him/her ìlike the proverbial or slice the nose off to spite ones fizzaî?

If you are familiar with Benjamin's theory, it might be easier for you to see things in a different light.

If none of the above makes any sense, just forget about anything I've said. After all, you know the best about your life.

Take care.
Sherri

[Stella Smith]

Hello Steve, I have read all the above with interest and here are my thoughts. I think you need to put yourself in the position of this lad, who is, after all, a lad. How would you feel given his circumstances? It is hard to grow up and deal with all this disruption in your life and he is going through it the hard way. Be sure that he is suffering himself, probably more than you and more than you realise.

You also see him as a threat to your relationship! He gets in the way - but he was there first you see. He sees you as a threat to his relationship with his mother, who, although it appears he is attacking her love, is in fact, defending her against all comers. He probably sees himself as her protector and he is protecting her against you.

I think the best way forward is to lead by example. You will never take the place of his dad so try treating the lad with respect. If his behaviour is bad, just ignore it. Don't rise to it all the time because every time you do, he has won and he will gain control from it. You need to set him an example of how to behave not give him the feeling that he is useless. Try finding something that he does do well and compliment him on it. Everyone responds to praise. Look for the good things and you will surely find them. His mother will respect you for it because she loves you both doesn't she. She will back you up because she wants you to get on but if she sees you antagonising each other it is you she will turn against, not her son. A mother will always love her son no matter what he does.

Good luck. Stick with it. Don't give up on either of them. You are a man and you have the advantage so use it to good effect. Never show your anger only your love. Stella

[tony]

Good post stella, I think steve should take a bit of her advice.

I speak from past experience so whatever frustration you're going through he's prob got it twice as bad, so with you being the adult I think you like she said you need to lead by example as you seem quite angry and aggressive towards him, it's no surprise he doesn't like you to be honest.

[Earth-Born]

Hi Steve,
I haven't read all of the posts, so I may be repeating what they have said, but here are my ideas/techniques to deal with being wronged:

1) Most of the things ppl do wrong are caused by stupidity, ignorance, lack of self control, over-reactivity, personal problems or illness. I consider these to be innocent if sometimes careless causes of doing other people wrong. Therefore, be merciful.

2) A small minority, things you won't see everyday unless you are a police officer or unlucky, are downright intentionally bad, evil if you like. I don't believe it is necessary or effective to understand these, it would be a bit wierd if you could understand them! In these case the only thing to do is get out of the way.

3) In the careless/unfortunate catagory of people, be carful not to convince yourself. It is not your job to punish them or make them understand. In many cases, it may be unrealistic to make them understand what your point is. Punishing people and trying to force them to understand only makes one feel even more wronged and desperate.

4) Tell them simply what they are doing that you are not comfortable with, unless you know they will never change. Always be timely about it. Don't start going to into the morals of it. Just say you are not comfortable with it and avoid making them feel accused. If they are caring they may realise what they have done wrong at this point and may say sorry.

5)The arms length rule. Obviously the idea is not to push everyone out of your life, but there is something to be said of self-preservation. Arms length, for me, is like starting from scratch again, so that, if the person wants to be nice to me they can, but if they don't I am relatively protected/prepared for it, and haven't lost anything. When I do this, I may still speak to them, but try and remove the opportunity for them to get to me again for example by noy giving them full access to my life.

6) Last but not least I have a little exercise that I find very useful when someone make me angry. It is a positive visualisation that makes me feel that the person has no power over me. I imagine the person shrink them down to the size of my thumb, or a microbe if I'm really angry, and imagine putting them in a little box. The point is that if you believe that people are in control of your life, they will pick up on that, and very often will not respect you and treat you like s***. It's a human thing. Many people just can't resist the feeling of power, even if it means bring someone else down. In reality, there are circumstances where people do have power over you, eg if you are the victim of an unprovoked attack. But for the rest of the time it is very important to feel self-empowered. One thing with the visualisation. It's quite revealing if you have difficulty putting them in a box, and/or feel you can make them bigger again after you have shrunk them down. This is a good sign as it means you are forgiving them and can face how stupid they have acted whilst not feeling it is dictating your feelings and your life.

Good Luck.