benjaminfry, on Apr 18 2005, 10:06 PM, said:
On some level you would have internalised that if you said no to sex it would kill your abuser. I suspect this had a bearing on what happened later on in your history of abuse.
This is very much the case, in terms of my ex-boyfriend. He told me that the way he felt loved by a woman was for her to be obedient and submissive, to accept pain. He saw acceptance of pain, sexually, as proof of a womanís love. He told me so, and I believed him. Ok, maybe it was a way of emotionally controlling me, playing on my love for him, but I truly donít think so. He really did seem to believe that submissiveness and acceptance of pain was the most genuine expression of a womanís love. And I did love him, desperately. He wasnít all bad. It was just the sadistic side of him I couldnít cope with. The more pain I could accept, silently, the more emotionally happier and contented he seemed. He would stick long map pins through my breasts like a pin cushion, for instance, and expect me to be silent or to say I enjoyed it! It still freaks me out to see boxes of map pins. If I expressed pain he would be disappointed and hurt, and I would feel I had let him down. Many times he would tell me ìIf you loved me youíd accept the pain. If you loved me youíd enjoy the painî. I felt that if I didnít accept his abuse that he would think I didnít love him, and I couldnít bear for him to doubt my love for him. So yes, your comments are very true. I felt that if I said no to the sadism, he would feel unloved and unwanted.
My grandfather was the father of my Dad. I have no idea whether any abuse took place with him. Dad has always been very reticent about his parents. It certainly didnít seem to be a close relationship, he never seemed to relish visiting them when they were alive and I got the impression it was done more out of a sense of duty than love. No affection seemed to pass between them from what I observed. Whenever I have asked questions about Dadís side of the family it is like coming up against a brick wall. He has just given me closed-answers and imparted the minimum of information. He has never talked much about his parents or referred to them, either when they were alive or since they died. All I know of Dadís upbringing is what Mum has told me, which is that his parents were very strict. So I donít know, maybe that is significant?
You are right that I do find it difficult to let go and communicate about these various issues. It is hard because it is something I am not used to, and makes me feel vulnerable. It does help though to express things on here, and is getting easier thanks to the kind and supportive replies of yourself and the other people who have posted messages. It does help to release it because then it is out in the open rather than stuck inside.
The reason for my GP referring me to a psychiatrist? OuchÖ. again this is something which I feel very anxious about sharing. It is something which again I am ashamed about. Maybe it would be helpful to express it though, as you suggest. I guess the more I can push myself to open-up about such things the easier it will be to progress? So I will give it a try.
Earlier up the board I mentioned how, as an adult, I seem to have formed a pattern of falling for older professional-type men and developing unrequited love for them. The problems associated with this seem to have been getting worse as time has gone on, in that I become very obsessed with the man I fall in love with. What happens is that, for seemingly no apparent reason, I suddenly develop a strong attachment to a particular man. It could be the way he smiles, his eyes, his voice, personality traits - but somewhere inside me a strong connection is made and itís as if he is ìthe oneî, ie the potential Mr Right. The fact that he has no idea of my feelings for him and so is unreciprocal seems to bypass me completely. No obstacle is too big. In my mind I am imagining being with him, being happy together, I tend to build up this fantasy relationship in my mind and at the time it is happening I genuinely believe it could be real. As time goes on my feelings of love and attachment to the man concerned build-up and build-up until there is an overwhelming need to express to him how I feel about him. It is as if there is so much love inside me for him and I want the man to know how much he is cared for. When this happens the man concerned is usually somewhat taken aback at this sudden expression of emotions, and understandably tends to reject my affections. This is the point where I crash back to reality and realise what an idiot I have been, and how badly I have behaved. I then feel very remorseful and desperate to apologise to the man concerned and ëput things rightí.
I went through this whole scenario recently, only this time it was even worse. The man concerned was a shop manager, someone I had seen from a distance over many years but not taken particular note of. I then began to notice him more. At first it was just physical attraction, but then it was an attraction to his personality and confidence. I witnessed his interactions with other staff and customers, and noticed him to be someone kind and patient, who was well liked. He was good at his job, overseeing everything, helping his staff. I think in my psyche it was the father-figure thing again which drew me the most. I felt ìHere is someone I think I could trust and feel safe withî. Things quickly escalated. I became more and more attracted to him as my imagination took over. I felt that maybe here was someone who may be within the realms of possibility in terms of a potential relationship. The fact that we had never even spoken to each other, and he didnít even know I existed, bypassed me completely! The usual pattern ensued. It got to the stage where the need to express my love for him was overwhelming. I did not know how to do this, seeing as he didnít even know me. So in the end I wrote to him anonymously! Then again, and again, and again. Expressing to him how much I loved him and cared for him. In each letter I gave him an email address as a point of contact, if there was anything he wished to say. I asked him in each letter to please make it clear to me if he was unhappy with my contact and I would stop and would respect his wishes. He never replied either way, and so I didnít know whether my affection was being received positively or negatively. After a few months and about 10 letters with no reply I came back down to reality. I realised how unreasonable I was being. I put myself in his position and realised for the first time, how freaky and disturbing my letters must be to him. I felt very ashamed and regretful, shocked at my behaviour. I didnít want him to be worried about me or think I was some sort of stalker, so decided to come clean and tell him who I was and to apologise. It was a frightening and humiliating thing to do, but I felt I owed it to him to give him some sort of explanation and apology, to reassure him. He was very nice about it, or so I thought at the time. He accepted my apologies, thanked me, and kept reassuring me not to worry. He said it was brave of me to come forward and he was grateful to know who I was. I thought that would be the end of it, but a few days later I had a visit from the police. He had reported me on account of harrassment! It was an informal warning, - but to have the police turn up at my home was a complete shock and really brought home to me the fact that something is very wrong in terms of my approach to relationships.
As it is things are ok with the manager now. I still see him in passing. He is a nice and reasonable person, and we are on good terms; he smiles and says hello. He seems happy to forget the whole thing, which is good. However, the police visit was a big shock. It got me thinking about the past and made me recognise the pattern which has developed of falling for men in this obsessive and unrequited way. This is what prompted me to ask my GP for some help. I had first gone to my GP last year to do with feeling very low about the debts, work, difficulties with relationships. Since then I had some counselling , mainly focusing on the past issues with my ex-boyfriend, and felt I had come a long way with that. I had been feeling quite positive. So this episode with the shop manager was quite a set back and once again I was back to the stage of wondering ìwhatís wrong with me?î. He seemed to think a psychiatric opinion was the best move. To be honest I think he was at a bit of a loss where to direct me, but I agreed it would probably be a good idea because at least they would be able to confirm or refute my fears that there may be something wrong with me psychiatrically. However, as it comes nearer I am getting quite scared. Scared of what their ëdiagnosisí will be; either that there is something wrong or else that they think I am being stupid and wasting their time. I am also scared of having to go through the stress of explaining all this face-to-face with someone. Iím not good at one-to-one discussions about personal matters. I can express myself in writing quite well, but verbally itís as if I clam up and find it really difficult to articulate. Hopefully it will be a positive experience though, and lead to some progress.
You are right that I feel I am cluttering up the world with some thing worthless that others would prefer to delete. I donít really feel this in a general or suicidal sort of sense though, but mostly I think in terms of relationships with men. My experiences in life have made me believe that men want to delete me, that I am not likeable or acceptable to men, except perhaps at large personal expense, and this really hurts. Deep down I yearn for love and acceptance from a man, to be held and nurtured, to feel safe. To be able to have normal relationships and to trust. But I often feel unloved and unaccepted by men, something which is reinforced every time I get into one of these episodes of falling hook line and sinker for these father-figure types and end up setting myself up to be rejected by them..
I am not suicidal at all though so please donít worry about that. I value life; there is a lot about life and the world which I like and enjoy. True, there are several areas which I am unhappy with and which are making me negative and depressed, but that doesnít mean I want to end my life. Just for it to be different, to be able to overcome the areas which are causing the problems and to feel more positive. Thatís why I am trying to face the issues which are causing these problems and to do something about it.
