[cazisisis32]

Hello, It's quite a long story but I'll be as brief as I can. I hope that you can help me to see past my restictions.

I was a happy enough child prior to my fathers' death when I was 8, my mother went through a period of grief and quickly re-married. My step father was abusive, using violence, emotional and psychological abuse on me and my siblings. My mother turned a blind eye to this and was mostly seen running out the door to work long hours as a nurse. When we tried to tell our family members, my mother would say that we didn't like being disciplined and blamed us. I left home on my 16th birthday with a man 6 years older than me...he used me to bring money into the house mainly. There was little love but I was so desperate for security that I put up with it, he was seldom at home either and eventually I felt used and dirty sexually. I quickly got into another relationship...This relationship was violent and abusive, I had another child, broken bones, and an abortion after my depression reached breaking point as did the relationship which lasted three years. I had to return to my home town after giving up my University degree after he beat me and abandoned me when our child was 10 days old. My children were becoming afraid of him and that was my deciding point. He also stole money from my bank account. Again it wasn't long before I entered another relationship, this one only lasted a few months after he tried to strangle me for dancing on a night out, he stole from my bank account and left me broke with 3 small children to raise, he also gave me a VD, and tried to get me to quit my college course.
I left my degree course with only 2 modules to complete because my children said that they never spent enough time with me, my mother put demands on me to help her through her nursing conversion course, and I finally crumbled.
A year later, and I'm returning to complete my degree in Bio-science, and want to be an environmentalist but I live on the west coast of Scotland and my children have relationships wr fathers here and don't want to relocate which I will have to do to get a job in my chosen field. I haven't had a relationship
since and doubt if I ever will again, I can't seem to see through the lies that men tell, and am unwilling to put myself in the position of abuse again. I'm a spititual, philosophical person and have extensively studied lots of subjects from history, religions, science, art, psychology, and sociology to subjects relating to spirit such as chi and meditation. It seems to me that most people I know use drugs...and recently I lost a bar job because I asked my boss about his drug use in work. I don't feel like I fit in in this society...I don't believe in being controlled through abuse or because I'm different. I can't seem to make money and feel that everyone knows more than I do, I'm fed up of being called wierd because of my moral and spiritual views, and feel that people are constantly rejecting and putting me down saying that I think too much about social issues, and feel stuck here, destined to never being anything more than a single mother in poverty and desperate to input to make changes that I believe are sorely needed. I love my children more than anything and want them to have relationships with both me and their father, I've finally told my mother to complete her course on her own, and am returning to college.I feel stronger and more settled than I ever have before, but what next? Do I complete my course to never do the work that means so much to me? I've spent most of my life studying and being a mother, I have no fabulous CV to dazzle future employers with, even in my home town, and my self confidence is low. Can you help?

[Benjamin Fry]

Have you ever heard the saying, ìa prophet is not without honour save in his own countryî? It means that even if you change, people who have known you all of your life will not accept those changes or relate to you based on those changes. It is a common problem for all of us who try to improve our lives.

You have suffered a great deal of trauma and it is clear how it has replayed itself in your relationships with men. Your male role models either died or abused you so that is a bad start. You have however shown enormous courage to get to where you are today. Your dedication to your education is very admirable, as is your courage to stick up for yourself. You absolutely must finish your studies if you can. Donít think yet about where it may lead. You can cross that bridge when you come to it.

I understand that you feel bound to your home town because of your children. But you also seem to feel out of place there. At some point you may need to make a choice between what seems right for you and what would be perfect for your children. At this crossroad you must remember that an important part of a childís life is the welfare, happiness and example of its primary care giver(s). If you take care of yourself, you may be a better mother and a better role model to your children, even if it means inconveniencing them in the short term.

[cazisisis32]

thanks, I'm getting my drive back...sod fear, I'm going for it, and whatever happens...I can cope with it. Looking forward to your TV work

[cazisisis32]

I should tell you, that my childrens' Dad's are loving towards their children, and my children adore them. I felt that I couldn't cope on my own, and needed their support in raising the children, although I don't get financial support, they do spend time with them and play sports etc. But I have to be honest with myself and admit that I allowed them to treat me the way they did. I don't accept anything but real support for my children and have gone to great lenghts to emphasise what children need from their father. They are living up to that because I pointed out what a lack of empathetic parenting has done to us as human beings and adults. I hope that more emphasis is placed on teaching people how to parent in the future so that less damaged people emerge, and a real emphasis has to be taught how to have supportive relationships in the future between adults, and the real value of an intelligent, informed approach to relationships, and family responsibility. The live your dreams ideology has made people selfish to the extent of an unthinking, unfeeling approach to others. It seems to me that the loss of bonding/ shallow approach to relationships between people is causing real misery, broken homes and shattered lives...this needs to be addressed. Teaching about these social issues is now needed in schools, as well as support centres in communities...But will people openly address these issues is another question? My own thoughts that I've heard echoed by those around me. Real social reform is needed, as shown by The Fathers in batman suits and falling birth rates in the western world.