[Tummyfish]

Ben,
Hello again. I wrote to you some time ago about the problems which I suffer in life. Im a healthy 21 year old girl who should be excited about life and be happy with everything... but im not. My brain/ mind is driving me crazy and I am clueless about what to do.
I am a twin and was the 'runt' one when we were born and she and I are so differnt, im so emotional and she is quite hard faced. I was bullied badly all the way through my school years and my twin tended to be 'against me' as she was embarressed of my behaviour and how much I cried. I had a very clingy relationship with my mother and woluld hate to leave her and didnt do any outdoor activities becuase I couldnt leave her. My dad is much like my twin and lacks emotion. I also have an older sister who too lacks support towards me.
Im far to intense with people and my friendships are almost like relationships as I have had lots of meaningless friendships due to my intensity and lack of confidence and self esteem.
When I was 17 I fell in love with a man 14 years older than me. He was amazing and had a 3 and a half year relationship with him which eventually came to an end about 18 months ago. He made me feel wonderful and so so safe but I was so needy and cried almost everyday, dont know why? and no he was not like a father figure to me!! I finished it to pursue new goals and went on Anti depressants for about 8 months and saw a counsellor, I met a new guy and felt more and more confident but he cheated on me and then came a tidal wave of misery which hasnt left me.
I fall for people so fast and get hurt and have now been single for a year and a half. My ex is still friends with me and I have just found out he is seeing another girl and for the first time in 18 months we became intimate again and I felt like I was in love with him again. I have now stepped back from the situation and demanded some time out. He tells me he loves me but isnt in love with me as our breakup was really tough on both of us.
My uni work is suffering, I cant concentrate and my brain keeps thinking. I lack confidence and self esteem but I come across (apparently) as the most confident person on earth. I have gone back on the tablets and am again seeing another counsellor. Sorry to go on but im trying to be as accurate as possible.
Ive tried hypnotherapy and usually I start things but never finish them. I really am struggling and am bored of telling people the same old thing. I dont know how to literally kick my self up the ass and get on with life.
I dont feel as if anything really is wrong in my life, Im healthy, have a family who are all alive and well, I live in a lovely area and do have some lovely people around me but im miserable? why?
Please help.

[Benjamin Fry]

You are miserable because you carry inside you trauma from your difficult family experiences and subsequent similar experiences in school. You are obviously an emotional and sensitive person so you would have been easily overwhelmed by your emotional reaction to situations. Since these situations were sometimes in the family where you felt isolated, you would have had nowhere to take these feelings. Therefore they stayed inside of you, frozen by the trauma mechanism.

Now in later life, you begin to define your own reality and therefore your life becomes safer. As it gets safer, so it gets easier for the trauma to emerge. Thus relationships can lead to difficult emotions, a nice life can feel awful and counselling can make you feel worse. What you have to accept is that the feelings stored up from the past need to come out (e-motion). You need to let them and to take care of yourself in simple ways while they do.