[mayflower]

im not sure what to say... i know what my problems are but i just dont know how to get over them.

i might not have the most terrible problems or issues in the world but they are making me desperately unhappy.

i feel as tho i cant let go of my boyfriend, we've been together for 1 year and 2 months and i love him more than anything in the world.

I feel im pushing him away and am so so scared of loosing him it's untrue.

I pick at him, niggle and cause arguments... i feel i dont give him space. if i txt him and i get no reply within a minute i start worrying that he's fallen out with me. i think i expect too much from him. i get all panicy and then he gets narky with me.

i hate him going out, he hardly ever does but when he does i get so upset, upset hes going to find someone else or upset that he'll have fun without me and then decide he doesnt need me anymore.

i dont know if im a control freak or if i just love him to pieces.

we live 50miles from each other and only see each other at weekends.

i dont know if any of this makes any sense to you or if it just seems stupid and silly but i really dont want to push him away or loose him.

[Sherri]

Hi Mayflower,

While you are waiting for Benjamin's reply, I'd like to say that, a lot of us went through what you are feeling right now. Some of us went through it more than once . Good that you are looking for a solution.

If you get a chance, read Benjaminís book. It systematically explains how everything works, especially Projection and Relationship. You would find it very helpful.

And it would help you understand his reply much better.

Best Luck. Sherri

[Benjamin Fry]

This seems like a very specific situation. Your attachment to your boyfriend is causing you to fear losing him. Thatís not unusual, but what is a bit off centre here is the intensity with which you are experiencing this symptom.

It might help you to begin to understand that the intensity is being caused by something unresolved in you and not by your boyfriendís behaviour. Therefore you need to start looking within you for a solution and not to lump this on your boyfriend. He would appreciate this and you would also be getting one step closer to living a more happy and manageable life.

The reason for the intensity will be that somewhere in your past you have experienced similar situations or emotions. However at that time you were unable to process the full emotional experience. This often happens when we are very young, since we are too dependant on our carers and environment to be able to fully express ourselves. Sometimes that expression is unwanted and we must repress our feelings in order to feel safe in our environment. As we get older, these feelings, which are frozen in the body as trauma, want to escape. They begin to knock on our emotional doors. But now they donít make any sense. So we repress them. Then unconsciously we find ourselves recreating situations to stimulate them (since unconsciously we know that the most healthy thing is to release them). Relationships are where we do our most emotional stimulation. Your situation with your boyfriend is perhaps so attractive to you (on one level) precisely because it does bring up these feelings, which actually you need to get in touch with and to let go off.

The first stage to recovery is to understand. You need to think about what this could be reminiscent of from your childhood. Perhaps you had a poor relationship with your father? Did your parents get divorced and you only saw him at weekends? Were you desperate when he left, worrying that youíd never see him again and that only he could save you from the rest of your life? Or something like that. See if anything comes to mind and let me know.

If you can find an earlier issue, then by focusing in on it and by doing some practical emotional work on it, you will release your present relationship from some of this negative intensity. You will still be suffering, but it will be honest suffering directed in the right emotional place. Your past will start to get some housekeeping and your present will be liberated. Then your future will open up too.

[Benjamin Fry]

You are recreating in the present with relationships the pain of your past. You have a great deal of suffering and trauma stored up inside your emotional system. Thatís just a given for anyone whose mother has deserted them. This pain has to get out of you, but in any given moment you donít want it to. So you unconsciously find ways to recreate it. The boyfriends were distant. You saw them infrequently. They didnít meet your needs. You were the one providing the material sustenance. You turned them into a cipher for your mother and you tried to be your dad. This is all you know about role models for relationships because that is how you grew up.

As you go through these cycles of pain, each time it gets a little better because you are clearing away some of the past. It might actually feel worse, but this is because you are getting strong enough to feel more. Now it would seem that you have found a more reliable partner. But this comes with a catch. The safety that this provides for you on one level allows you to let more stored up emotions out from another level. That is why his love basically drives you nuts. He is giving you a safety blanket to let your emotions come tumbling out. Also you have again recreated the distance that you experienced from your mother. This is the prefect trigger for your emotions from the past.

You have two choices. You can carry on and see how long it takes before you recover your emotional equilibrium using this kind of relationship ìtherapyî. Or you can engage with the emotional baggage directly using something like therapy or counselling. I suggest that if you do, then you will free up your emotional pressures on the relationship and should be able to enjoy it with less volatility.