[Sarahcorti]

I don't know what I've been feeling lately. I'm trying to make sense of it but it seems almost like I don't even have time to. But right now I feel horrible. And I'm going to figure it out this time.
To begin, I'll introduce myself. I'm a girl, finishing high school, taking all honors classes (2nd in my class), participant in three sports, member of four honor societies. As you can tell, I am an overacheiver. A perfectionist. I can't helpt it. I've always been this way. I am constantly stressed out and use my writing (I love to write. I write in my journal every day), artwork, reading, music, and most importantly, friends to cope and keep myself happy.
Since maybe... 8th grade, I've felt depressed. On and off, though. Sometimes for a few days, more usually for a few weeks, and only once or twice for a month or more. Most of the time I'll just blame it on stress. Once it was because my boyfriend broke up with me. Usually it goes away, and I'll feel happy and better soon after. I probably would even forget how bad it was, but since I write everything down, I can go back and read how I was feeling at that time and see, that I really, actually, was depressed.
I've been okay recently. But it just got cold and the cold brings me down. I'm not sure why. It just does. I love summer. I'm happy during the summer. Also, school, and everything has become incredibly stressful. I'm not doing as well as I usually do, and being a perfectionist, that kills me. I feel like a failure. So over the past week or two, I've been plummeting down and further down.
Yesterday was the kicker. Long story short. My mother accidentally dropped my journal when she was cleaning up and she read part of it and found out that I had lied to my parents and had a boy over (who I had dated for almost two years, and we are still in love, but no longer dating) when they weren't home. She told my father and they both reprimanded me. I understood how they were angry at me for lying to them, but I believe that they over reacted about the sexual part. (We didn't have sex. We just fooled around.) They are both very conservative, and I am very liberal, and this is one of many things that we have different views on.
Anyway, I was mortified, and cried all night long. It was just the climax of how my relationship with my parents is hard to deal with. Especially my mother. We constantly fight, and we don't understand each other.
My mother is bi-polar. I know that it is hereditary. Sometimes I wonder. If I could be too. I have all of these ups and downs and I don't understand them. However, I know manic depression is moreso over months at a time, and it isn't always like that with me.
Sometimes I thought that I had an anxiety disorder. Breakdowns. All the time. Stress. Sleep-deprivation.
I don't know what it is. I'm pathetic. For not saying something to someone and just going to a doctor, and posting on a forum that I found randomly. I'm afraid though, if I said something, that people would think I was just grasping for attention. That I was exxagerating. I don't know.
Anyway. Now I feel void. Nothing. Sad. I don't know. I want to know what's wrong with me. If anything.
What do you think?
Thanks.

[Benjamin Fry]

Firstly Iíd just like to acknowledge that it is pretty awful sometimes being a teenager. You are dependant on adults who you may not identify with. You are expected to act adult sometimes, but treated like a child at other times. Your body is going haywire. And you are starting to make your first serious stab at getting some emotional resolution on the past.

When kids live in emotionally repressive homes two bad things happen. Firstly they get upset when they are younger and canít show it. This drives the feelings down into trauma within the body. Then as teenagers, these feelings start to emerge and try to be expressed. Again the repressive home judges these kids and just pushes the feelings further away, once again. This just drives the kids nuts. (You can see a number of examples on this forum).

The result of repression is symptoms like stress; and manic behaviour; and depression. These are all dishonest ways that the body and mind have of expressing overload. A better way is to talk out the underlying issues and emotions that go with them. This can take years if years and years have been spent repressing them. They do say that bi-polar can be hereditary (and they might be right) but I think what is more significant is that being the kid of someone who is very depressed or manic is no picnic and you can be emotionally damaged simply by being around that behaviour.

Iíd like to encourage you to see a school counsellor. They are trained to deal with these issues in total confidence and should be able to help a lot. Also they are available and free. You need an adult to share this with who will not judge you for your suffering. You might be surprised how a little genuine support like that can help to alter your outlook and mood quite quickly.