Hello
I am a 30 year old male comming to terms with separation from my wife.
We have been semi seperated since January 1 this year.
Initally it was because she needed back part of her old life, she felt trapped in the marriage and the new house we have just bought.
Then she said she still has feelings for an exboyfriend and couldn't decide between which one of us she wanted to be with.
She has mood swings when she is happy and everything is good then she changes and says she hates herself and she isn't good enough for me. She has said she wanted to see how it would all work out with the exboyfriend and put me on hold for a while.
Then she went and had sex with the ex last week, told me and was so scared I was going to leave her permently. I am so confused with all this and she says she still loves me and deep in her mind is going to be with me for the rest of our lives. Since the separation I have done everything I can to help her. She is going to see a counseler to look into the bigger problems in her life.
I sit here and cry alot and there is nothing that makes me happy at the moment.
Am I doing the right thing by tring to help her or am I just in denial and it is already too late.
I am so confused.
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In limbo Am I doing the right thing
#1
mark myself 
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Posted 22 January 2005 - 11:50 PM
#2 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 25 January 2005 - 12:04 AM
Since no one has answered your question, I will give it a try:
From what you have said, and of course it is only one side here, you could be repeating some experience you had as a child, when you were rejected by a parent or a friend, and you denied it was happening and hung on.
Has this happened to you in your previous relationships with women, friends, or others? Is this a pattern? What is it you get out of being the one who suffers?
These are just some questions to ponder. I wish you much luck.
From what you have said, and of course it is only one side here, you could be repeating some experience you had as a child, when you were rejected by a parent or a friend, and you denied it was happening and hung on.
Has this happened to you in your previous relationships with women, friends, or others? Is this a pattern? What is it you get out of being the one who suffers?
These are just some questions to ponder. I wish you much luck.
#3
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 02 February 2005 - 02:32 PM
Iíd like to try to understand the dynamic of this relationship with reference to something in your past. It seems that you are happy to hang in there to wait and see if she will be ìfixedî. Could this have any resonance with the relationship of you parents, or your relationship with them? Often we find ways in adult life to recreate the pain of our childhood so that we can exorcise it. This might be a helpful way to look at the present situation. I canít really comment on your wifeís problems, other than to suggest that you apply the same analysis, and in general I suspect that you should trust your instincts over whatís best for you in the future.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#4
mark myself
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Posted 03 February 2005 - 09:41 AM
Thankyou for your comments.
A lot has happened since I first posted on this topic.
I have learnt a lot from this situation so far and am sure there is plenty more to find out as this situation develops.
We are still actively seeing each other and have allowed time to regain the parts of our lives that have been lost since being married.
We gave up too much of our individual lives to become one person and knowing all along this was not too good a direction to follow.
My wifes ex is just a wake up call that not everything was going as well as could be. What happened there was possibly a part of her life that she didn't have closure on and kept it suppressed, I assume that it is not good to keep these things bottled up. Sometimes certain situations need closure.
We are past all that at the moment. Everyone makes mistakes at some point in their lives, sometimes they are deliberate and sometimes accidental. Being able to learn from them is the greater understanding. I have a lot of forgiveness in my heart.
I love my wife so very much that I feel this is only a slight hiccup in what can be a very long life together.
I am a somewhat clingy person but i also have a very independent side. For me it is trying to find the balance the biggest challenge.
I have lost friends and family in the past and dislike the emotions that loss brings but have come to a conclusion that I am not so scared of being alone, which is probably the biggest loss, as much as losing a best friend.
My wife is my best friend and even if we can not resolve our own differences the least I can do is be there as a good friend.
I know that if the role was reversed I would really be grateful for the same understanding and patience.
I think to sum it all up at this point is that we will take each day as it comes.
Maybe this is a new beginning.
How many people if given a wake up call, would decide to really rethink what it is that they want out of life?
All my most inner instincts tell me that I am doing the right thing.
This is possibly going to be one of the hardest times in both our lives but once this is all sorted out it can lead to one of the most beautiful unions anyone can ask for.
Marriage as far as I am concerned is a very sacred joining, but truly loving your partner is far more important than any piece of paper.
I am here for the big commitment and am not about to give up on my best friend.
We are both working towards this wake up call.
We both love each other very much.
thankyou for reading this chapter of my life.
A lot has happened since I first posted on this topic.
I have learnt a lot from this situation so far and am sure there is plenty more to find out as this situation develops.
We are still actively seeing each other and have allowed time to regain the parts of our lives that have been lost since being married.
We gave up too much of our individual lives to become one person and knowing all along this was not too good a direction to follow.
My wifes ex is just a wake up call that not everything was going as well as could be. What happened there was possibly a part of her life that she didn't have closure on and kept it suppressed, I assume that it is not good to keep these things bottled up. Sometimes certain situations need closure.
We are past all that at the moment. Everyone makes mistakes at some point in their lives, sometimes they are deliberate and sometimes accidental. Being able to learn from them is the greater understanding. I have a lot of forgiveness in my heart.
I love my wife so very much that I feel this is only a slight hiccup in what can be a very long life together.
I am a somewhat clingy person but i also have a very independent side. For me it is trying to find the balance the biggest challenge.
I have lost friends and family in the past and dislike the emotions that loss brings but have come to a conclusion that I am not so scared of being alone, which is probably the biggest loss, as much as losing a best friend.
My wife is my best friend and even if we can not resolve our own differences the least I can do is be there as a good friend.
I know that if the role was reversed I would really be grateful for the same understanding and patience.
I think to sum it all up at this point is that we will take each day as it comes.
Maybe this is a new beginning.
How many people if given a wake up call, would decide to really rethink what it is that they want out of life?
All my most inner instincts tell me that I am doing the right thing.
This is possibly going to be one of the hardest times in both our lives but once this is all sorted out it can lead to one of the most beautiful unions anyone can ask for.
Marriage as far as I am concerned is a very sacred joining, but truly loving your partner is far more important than any piece of paper.
I am here for the big commitment and am not about to give up on my best friend.
We are both working towards this wake up call.
We both love each other very much.
thankyou for reading this chapter of my life.
#5 Guest_Cat Dundas_*
Posted 04 August 2005 - 07:15 PM
Hello - I was just wondering how things were going? Reading your comments from back in January struck a cord with me, and a similar situation I am still going through.
One thing that struck me was: are you taking enough time out and mental space to ensure you're looking after your own needs? It has sounded as though your relationship in the past has been defined by your wife, her actions, and the impacts on you and your relationship. As opposed to a more balanced situation, where you both bring issues and happy times to the relationship, and time and mental energy is more equally spread across issues and the 'good times'. Instead you probably have spent a great deal of your time 'talking about us and our problems'. (well, I seem to do a lot of this anyway :-))
Anyway, if you are checking back on this website, do let me know how you've been going.
One thing that struck me was: are you taking enough time out and mental space to ensure you're looking after your own needs? It has sounded as though your relationship in the past has been defined by your wife, her actions, and the impacts on you and your relationship. As opposed to a more balanced situation, where you both bring issues and happy times to the relationship, and time and mental energy is more equally spread across issues and the 'good times'. Instead you probably have spent a great deal of your time 'talking about us and our problems'. (well, I seem to do a lot of this anyway :-))
Anyway, if you are checking back on this website, do let me know how you've been going.
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