[Bobs]

I work 50-60 hoursa week. I am 40,married with 2 children. Last year my wife and I flopped schedules with her going to days, 3-8hour shifts, and me going to nights mainly because we have no relatives in this state and we do not use sitters or day care for our children. I drink beer on weekends, play Ice hockey sundays and try to enjoy one day a week off. My wife thinks I need anger management therapy and/or AA. I feel like I do 99% of everything, flopping schedules and working alot more so she doesn't have to. Last week I smoked a few cigarettes on saturday after getting 3 hours of sleep, taking daughter to gymnastics and having some friends over to watch football. Because I smoked for years, quit last year...then only smoked between Christmas and New Years...I said I would quit...After a week of 12-13 hour shifts and alot of stress, I smoked a few ULTRA lights saturday. Now she says I cannot be trusted...Do I need some therapy or is my wife just a power hungary un-appreciattive control freak??????

[Benjamin Fry]

What I think you are talking about is disappointment. The life that glossy magazines suggest is possible to us in our twenties usually doesnít happen. We often arrive at forty with nothing but a lot of work, debts, chores and imperfect relationships. This can be a disappointment.

However the truth is that regardless of schedule, work, hours etc. life can be a disappointment if we are not fully invested in our emotional connections with other people. I suspect that this is what your wife wants. You are providing for her and think this should be enough. She wants an interior connection and therefore acts disappointed. You can not see any reason for her to be disappointed. Perhaps she wants you to get into talking about your feelings somehow so that she can find a route in for herself.

It doesnít sound like you have much time for therapy, but if you are amenable to it, I think that an AA meeting or two might be a big help for you. Iím not suggesting that you have to be an alcoholic, but this is one of the few environments where men can really see how productive it is for other men to share their feelings. A greater awareness of the connection between your feelings (all of them ñ not just anger) and how this relates to the use of alcohol could also be beneficial. And finally you will be showing your wife that you do care about her concerns, and therefore do listen to her. I suspect that this is mainly what she is after.

If thatís not for you, then you could try doing some of the exercises in many relationships self-help books, like men are from mars, women are from Venus. These techniques help couples to communicate better. This would help you slow down the dialogue so that each of you really understands the other without starting an argument. You might be able to find a way to explain to your wife how hard you are working and she can tell you whatís up for her.

In the end, life is all about relationships and relationships need the constant nurturing of communication. I suspect that your wifeís demands relate to her perception that you are not communicating with her and sheís just fishing for something to try to open you up to her. Thatís actually quite loving, along with the rest of the qualities that you mentionÖ