[jim.fear]

hi i am a 19yr old guy who often feels overcome by loneliness, going back to my childhood i knew from as young as i can remember that there was nothing between my mum and dad and she found it hard to show any affection to me. I havent been in a relationship with anyone for god knows how long and everytime I get close it scares the crap out of me which i know has a bit to do with personal insecurities. Basically i cant help feeling its not gonna get any better and i will just go dead inside. Do you have any advice?

[Benjamin Fry]

Yes. My advice would be to find a process that helps you to take small steps into this zone of emotional discomfort so that you can begin to engage with it and work on the problem. You are suffering from the lack of emotional attachment between yourself and your mother (primarily) when you were young. This state of mind was most likely set up before you could even think or talk. Now in your adult life, emotional attachment to another person wakes up this pain and fear from the past. The emotions are so raw (because they were non-verbal in origin) that you are overwhelmed and have to run away.

If you were to work on these issues in a committed way with a therapist then you would explore attachment to the therapist, but in a very slow and safe (hopefully) way. Either that or find someone who you can talk to about all these issues before having any kind of intimate relationship. Donít be shy to talk about your feelings as and when they arise. Thatís the kind of exercise that you will need to develop in order to let the problem be an asset that leads you towards emotional resolution. Otherwise, if you just run from it each time it rears its frightening head, then you just stuff the trauma back down inside and it will affect you for a long time to come. Read my book if you want the long version of the same answer.