Hi
I have read you your book and found it very interesting.
i have been in counselling for a year on this occasion. the reason i went into counselling is because of recurring depressions which i have had almost all of my adult life.
what lead me to counselling was after two lots of post-natal depression. since i have been in conunselling i have started doing a counselling course and feel much better about myself.
However one of the main reasons for my counselling and depression is my attitude to sex. i do not have a particulary high sex drive and see it as dirty a lot of the time and my husband wanted me to go to counselling to change so i would want sex more. however if anything it has made me want sex less.
how can i use your ideas to explore this
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my recurring depression
#2
Benjamin Fry 
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Posted 13 January 2005 - 06:23 PM
Depression is generally the result of shutting down the natural emotional flow of our mind-body systems. This is done by us because our conscious mind is instantaneously terrified of negative emotions that we might experience (such as overwhelming love, attachment or fear after the birth of a child). Child birth and child raising is very emotional. Therefore people who need to be depressed to avoid their emotions become more so sometimes after childbirth. Effectively they become more repressed, and therefore less in touch with good happy feelings too.
You need to look into your past and ask yourself what emotional residue you have left over from your life, most likely from your early childhood. These are the feelings that you are avoiding allowing out in the here and now. Avoiding these feelings keeps you away from them, but it is depressing.
Your attitude to sex is interesting. It suggests perhaps that there was some sexual trauma in your life. This might have been just from being exposed to frightening ideas, or it could have been physical.
Going to counselling because your husband wants more sex is not a great reason. I suspect that you ended up feeling resentful and manipulated by him, and thatís probably why you actually wanted sex less. You could have got angry with him and told him that you need to find your own answers to your issues. But of course you probably wouldnít because you are repressing your negative emotions. So you go, you donít express yourself and you get depressed.
You can apply the ideas in my book by sifting through the events of your life and trying to discover where you have frozen your feelings. Then you have to do something to get back in touch with these feelings related to those events. Otherwise they just sit in you sabotaging your life and you remain depressed in order to suppress them.
If you want to tell me more about your history, please do.
You need to look into your past and ask yourself what emotional residue you have left over from your life, most likely from your early childhood. These are the feelings that you are avoiding allowing out in the here and now. Avoiding these feelings keeps you away from them, but it is depressing.
Your attitude to sex is interesting. It suggests perhaps that there was some sexual trauma in your life. This might have been just from being exposed to frightening ideas, or it could have been physical.
Going to counselling because your husband wants more sex is not a great reason. I suspect that you ended up feeling resentful and manipulated by him, and thatís probably why you actually wanted sex less. You could have got angry with him and told him that you need to find your own answers to your issues. But of course you probably wouldnít because you are repressing your negative emotions. So you go, you donít express yourself and you get depressed.
You can apply the ideas in my book by sifting through the events of your life and trying to discover where you have frozen your feelings. Then you have to do something to get back in touch with these feelings related to those events. Otherwise they just sit in you sabotaging your life and you remain depressed in order to suppress them.
If you want to tell me more about your history, please do.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#3
kitten
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Posted 14 January 2005 - 12:30 PM
Thank you for replying. I was really pleased and surprised that you did.
Are you saying that my depression arises because i need to be depressed in order to suppress my feelings. Can i not just be a person who is prone to depression for no particular reason.
My attitude to sex i put down to my upbringing. my mum was an irish catholic virgin bride who drummed into me that you do not have sex until you are married and its something you have to do to keep your husband happy but you may have your moments but sometimes you need to think of england so to speak.
i suppose i denyed any sexual feelings i may have had growing up, because i felt ashamed of them. nice girls do not have feelings like that.
when i was growing up i spent a lot of time on my own. my mum had two more children when i was 8 and they were less than a year apart. So i feel she may have had her hands full so i spent most of my time in my room and in my own little world i think. My teacher at school used to say i was in a world of my own.
I remember wanting to get sick so I could go to hospital and I remember trying to drown myself in the bathroom sick by putting my face into a sick full of water. How sad is that. I was unhappy and i do not remember being excited or happy but i am sure there must have been times i was.
I did not have any boyfriends as a teenager as i found relating to boys very difficult.
when i started to go out i needed to drink in order to have dutch courage. i could not be myself without a drink. or maybe i felt the person i was with a drink was much more fun and better.
my first sexual relationship was with a boy i loved deeply even though i did not really know him and he did not really know me. we used to link up on a saturday evening but we never dated so to speak. i felt i truely loved him and i remember telling him so and he said that it was a shame because he had no special feelings for me. What did i do when he said that. Nothing I chose to ignore it but i hurt so much. I tried my upmost to hold on to him in anyway i could because i had had sex with him.
i felt i would never find someone to love me and that i would love in return. i always seemed to go for the bad boys and the boys that were interested in me i did not want.
my next sexual relationship was with my husband. i wish sometimes that i had slept around a bit.
Is that enough history to be going on with. I wait with interest for you reply
thanks for listening
Are you saying that my depression arises because i need to be depressed in order to suppress my feelings. Can i not just be a person who is prone to depression for no particular reason.
My attitude to sex i put down to my upbringing. my mum was an irish catholic virgin bride who drummed into me that you do not have sex until you are married and its something you have to do to keep your husband happy but you may have your moments but sometimes you need to think of england so to speak.
i suppose i denyed any sexual feelings i may have had growing up, because i felt ashamed of them. nice girls do not have feelings like that.
when i was growing up i spent a lot of time on my own. my mum had two more children when i was 8 and they were less than a year apart. So i feel she may have had her hands full so i spent most of my time in my room and in my own little world i think. My teacher at school used to say i was in a world of my own.
I remember wanting to get sick so I could go to hospital and I remember trying to drown myself in the bathroom sick by putting my face into a sick full of water. How sad is that. I was unhappy and i do not remember being excited or happy but i am sure there must have been times i was.
I did not have any boyfriends as a teenager as i found relating to boys very difficult.
when i started to go out i needed to drink in order to have dutch courage. i could not be myself without a drink. or maybe i felt the person i was with a drink was much more fun and better.
my first sexual relationship was with a boy i loved deeply even though i did not really know him and he did not really know me. we used to link up on a saturday evening but we never dated so to speak. i felt i truely loved him and i remember telling him so and he said that it was a shame because he had no special feelings for me. What did i do when he said that. Nothing I chose to ignore it but i hurt so much. I tried my upmost to hold on to him in anyway i could because i had had sex with him.
i felt i would never find someone to love me and that i would love in return. i always seemed to go for the bad boys and the boys that were interested in me i did not want.
my next sexual relationship was with my husband. i wish sometimes that i had slept around a bit.
Is that enough history to be going on with. I wait with interest for you reply
thanks for listening
#4
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 14 January 2005 - 05:03 PM
Yes that is what Iím saying. Others might disagree with me and they might be right. But thatís my story and Iím sticking to it.
You describe a childhood of repression. I suspect that you were also very fearful of the consequences of not repressing your urges and emotions. Therefore you learnt that to survive (i.e. avoid what you were afraid of) you needed to freeze your feelings. This is most likely what has left you depressed. All of your feelings are gone and life is an empty drudge.
As a result you get your pleasures from extremes or chemical stimulants. Your natural highs are shut down.
If you want to recover, you will need to recover your passionate, natural child-like state of emotional engagement with the world. To do that you need to journey back into your childhood and literally claim back for yourself what you lost. A good therapist could help you to do this. Or you could even start on your own by writing about your childhood and starting to express the feelings that you were too scared to experience at the time.
If you want to do so here, please do.
You describe a childhood of repression. I suspect that you were also very fearful of the consequences of not repressing your urges and emotions. Therefore you learnt that to survive (i.e. avoid what you were afraid of) you needed to freeze your feelings. This is most likely what has left you depressed. All of your feelings are gone and life is an empty drudge.
As a result you get your pleasures from extremes or chemical stimulants. Your natural highs are shut down.
If you want to recover, you will need to recover your passionate, natural child-like state of emotional engagement with the world. To do that you need to journey back into your childhood and literally claim back for yourself what you lost. A good therapist could help you to do this. Or you could even start on your own by writing about your childhood and starting to express the feelings that you were too scared to experience at the time.
If you want to do so here, please do.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#5
kitten
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Posted 17 January 2005 - 09:26 AM
My childhood is not really that clear in my mind. i remember certain incidents but not a great deal. my first real memory was my first day at school and i was excited but when it came to being left there i cried and was very uncomfortable and felt unable to cope.
i was a solitary child and i did not communicate with anyone to any extent really being happier to be on my own. when people came to the house i would try to stay out of the way either in my room or there was a time i hid behind the sofa. i found it embarressng to have to talk to adults and i did not have any friends i would say until i was about 8. so i did not play with anyone as a little girl. my boys have grown up in the company of other children but i never had that.
I felt inferior to my cousins as i was being compared to them by my mum. i felt i was not a good as them and my mum would be happier if she had someone else as a daughter. she never told me i was pretty or praised me. i was never told that i was loved and i do not remember being held or kissed and cuddled and i find that i am uncomfortable with kissing and cuddling now, not to my children but my husband. if i am upset i try to hold it in and if i cant and my husband or someone else trys to comfort me i feel embarressed and uncomfortable. i am finding it difficult to find the right words maybe shy would describe it better.
I remember a time when my mum had gone to my school open evening and my teacher was telling her about a presentation i had given and my teacher said to my mum how pretty i was. my mum told me this and then said i never thought of you as pretty. i feel i am a let down.
we never talk about these things. i could not upset her as everyone feels she is a perfect mother but maybe she wasn't. she is quite good at throwing money at you but to give of herself and her time which she has load of is more difficult for her. if i ask her to babysit she will but you always feel it is a hardship for her even if she does not say it is and my dad is a bad. i do not remember having a relationship with my dad at all. he worked nights and slept during the day. i do not ever remember being daddys little girl.
i remember helping him make up my little brother and sisters bottles and the teet sprag off the bottler and went behind the cooker and he said to me you should be horse whipped and i felt like i was stupid and had let him down.
i suppose i felt inadequate with life. i feel i am betraying my parents by writing this. i am sure they did there best by me and they have there own problems too i am sure.
How can i claim back what i lost when i do not really know what it is and my memories are hazy.
thanks for listening and sorry about any spelling mistakes
i was a solitary child and i did not communicate with anyone to any extent really being happier to be on my own. when people came to the house i would try to stay out of the way either in my room or there was a time i hid behind the sofa. i found it embarressng to have to talk to adults and i did not have any friends i would say until i was about 8. so i did not play with anyone as a little girl. my boys have grown up in the company of other children but i never had that.
I felt inferior to my cousins as i was being compared to them by my mum. i felt i was not a good as them and my mum would be happier if she had someone else as a daughter. she never told me i was pretty or praised me. i was never told that i was loved and i do not remember being held or kissed and cuddled and i find that i am uncomfortable with kissing and cuddling now, not to my children but my husband. if i am upset i try to hold it in and if i cant and my husband or someone else trys to comfort me i feel embarressed and uncomfortable. i am finding it difficult to find the right words maybe shy would describe it better.
I remember a time when my mum had gone to my school open evening and my teacher was telling her about a presentation i had given and my teacher said to my mum how pretty i was. my mum told me this and then said i never thought of you as pretty. i feel i am a let down.
we never talk about these things. i could not upset her as everyone feels she is a perfect mother but maybe she wasn't. she is quite good at throwing money at you but to give of herself and her time which she has load of is more difficult for her. if i ask her to babysit she will but you always feel it is a hardship for her even if she does not say it is and my dad is a bad. i do not remember having a relationship with my dad at all. he worked nights and slept during the day. i do not ever remember being daddys little girl.
i remember helping him make up my little brother and sisters bottles and the teet sprag off the bottler and went behind the cooker and he said to me you should be horse whipped and i felt like i was stupid and had let him down.
i suppose i felt inadequate with life. i feel i am betraying my parents by writing this. i am sure they did there best by me and they have there own problems too i am sure.
How can i claim back what i lost when i do not really know what it is and my memories are hazy.
thanks for listening and sorry about any spelling mistakes
#6
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 18 January 2005 - 06:34 PM
What Iím getting from this is that you were both physically very lonely as a child but also emotionally. It seems that there was very little nourishment in your childhood. Usually a person requires lots of physical love and emotional encouragement in order to develop into an emotionally healthy adult. It seems that you did not get this.
I suspect that one result of this is that you are distant from people. If you want to recover yourself and claim back what you lost, then you will have to take the risk of finding a way to really connect to others. This is one of the easiest ways to find a way back to yourself. The reality though is that what you will find when you find yourself will be frightening and hard to bear. Thatís why it is likely that you are keeping your distance.
Iíd recommend that you look into participating in some kind of self-help group. You could try group therapy, or if there is a particular issue that you wish to work on you could find a group for that. Being in a room with other people and experiencing them sharing very openly and honestly is a very strong experience. It may help you to find a way back to your own feelings, and can provide you with a support group of like-minded souls to help you get there.
I suspect that one result of this is that you are distant from people. If you want to recover yourself and claim back what you lost, then you will have to take the risk of finding a way to really connect to others. This is one of the easiest ways to find a way back to yourself. The reality though is that what you will find when you find yourself will be frightening and hard to bear. Thatís why it is likely that you are keeping your distance.
Iíd recommend that you look into participating in some kind of self-help group. You could try group therapy, or if there is a particular issue that you wish to work on you could find a group for that. Being in a room with other people and experiencing them sharing very openly and honestly is a very strong experience. It may help you to find a way back to your own feelings, and can provide you with a support group of like-minded souls to help you get there.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#7
kitten
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Posted 19 January 2005 - 08:36 AM
Thank you for your help. Yes i can be distant from people. i do not let them get to know the real me maybe because i do not know who that is or feel it is not good enough
I am doing a counselling course and am finding out a lot about myself so maybe i can use my counselling group to follow your suggestions
many thanks
I am doing a counselling course and am finding out a lot about myself so maybe i can use my counselling group to follow your suggestions
many thanks
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