[mrscjr]

I am bipolar, and have borderline personality disorder. I'm learning to differentiate between which of the two is acting up. Bipolar swings "just happen" on their own, while borderline episodes are triggered.

I have been in and out of hospitals so many times that I know the routine better than some of the staff members where I go or am committed. Last October was my first "real" suicide attempt - no gestures, no threats, just emptied a pill bottle into my stomach. Statistically, that increases the odds of me dying at my own hand. I'm running out of options!

I've been on almost every drug there is that addresses either or both of these conditions, I'm on disability and can't even handle a job hostessing at a restaurant (I used to be an administrative secretary and a restaurant manager - not at the same time).

I am 40 years old, married 19 years, and have 4 kids between the ages of 10 and 18. I feel like I'm ruining their lives because while I should be their support system, they have to pick up my slack when I'm in a cycle or episode. My marriage has lasted this long because of my husband's tenacity and nothing else.

It might help to know that I have a psychiatrist and a therapist.

I'm waiting for a DBT group to open up; aside from that, therapy and meds, is there an avenue of therapy/treatment I haven't unearthed? It's beyond frustrating to know that I'm not stupid, yet I can't hold a thought, never really seem to know "who I am", and am easily distracted.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Another little trait I have picked up along the way. Argh!

Help?

[Benjamin Fry]

Itís just a thought, but have you ever considered what might happen if you did get ìwellî? I suspect that you wouldnít know who you were anymore or what your role was in your family or life. As frustrating as your life is, it may have become the defining feature of you that you are sick. That could be as big a stumbling block to recovery as anything.

Iím sorry that your emotional issues are so severe. Nonetheless Iíd be inclined to suggest that they can be mitigated by the same methods that help less severe symptoms. Ultimately my view is that your problems are caused by a huge uncleared reservoir of trauma in your emotional system. To heal, you need to allow those feelings to flow out of you, which of course means feeling dreadful, possibly quite often and for quite a long time. That is the process that therapy and groups can help you to achieve. In amongst these bad feelings will be moments of clarity when you are not under internal emotional pressure any more and can feel the automatic joys of living. Your psychiatrist and therapist might disagree with me and they might be right.

If you want to get into your emotional core and move stuff along, then perhaps you could consider a residential treatment at a therapy focused recovery centre. These usually treat addicts, but increasingly are being successful in helping people like yourself. The best ones tend to be in Arizona and they are expensive. However it could be the best investment youíll ever make.

If you want to tell me more about what might have caused your emotional problems in the first place, please do.

[mrscjr]

Your comment about my illness being my identity is a good one. I think it would be like seeing another face in the mirror.

Borderline and bipolar both have genetic roots, so part of my illness is biological and not trauma related. However, borderline requires a combination of genetic mixup and trauma.

My mom was my world when I was little. She was like June Cleaver - she cooked like a gourmet, sewed most of my clothes, grew all our vegetables in the garden, kept an immaculate house, and was very nurturing and giving. She died suddenly when I was 10, so I never got to know her as a person - just as a mom.

My dad mourned so deeply that I think now, 30 years later, he's not really quite over it. He still talks about her in the present tense.

You could say that when my mom died, I lost both parents. My dad used to be my hero, but overnight became cold, uncaring and remote. I could do nothing right. By the time I graduated high school I was convinced I was stupid and just plain lazy. (I've since learned neither of these is true, but sometimes there's a difference between knowing something and knowing it.)

That's the trauma that haunts me. Every year around the anniversary of her death I crash, whether I'm sad about her death or not.

The recovery centers, like the one in Arizona you mentioned, would be wonderful if there was any way we could afford it. If it wasn't for insurance, I couldn't afford my treatment or meds. The only long-term treatment of any kind in my area isn't really treatment, it's more like housing, and it's part of Dorothea Dix Hospital. Dix is not somewhere I ever want to go again for any reason. I get worse there, not better.

Therapy that causes me to dwell on my "issues" is dangerous, because I can't "turn off" the therapy when the session is over. I carry the negative thoughts and feelings with me, and they fester until I go over the edge. Been there, done that, threw away the T-shirt.

At this point, I'd be willing to be a guinnea pig for almost any type of treatment.

Thank you for your help. I appreciate it.

[Benjamin Fry]

Well at least you know the source of your problems. The genetics canít be helped but the trauma can. Try to find out everything you can about trauma and resolving it. Writing is a great start. You could keep a journal and describe these terrible events. This can help you to reconnect with your feelings about it. However you should take all of this under the advice of your present doctors.

Also donít be afraid to write to these kinds of treatment centres and explain your situation. You might be surprised what they could offer. They work with a lot of insurance companies and also have finance and payment plans. They might even just have special opportunities once in a while.

If you make a passionate commitment to getting well and are able to let go of your identity as an ill person, you never know what kind of help the universe might throw your way. I hope you find something to help.

[marina]

I can totally relate to what you said about losing your Father aswell as your Mother. For me, when my parents separated and my Dad left home, I lost a Mum too as she changed instantly. I feel I have grieved and grieved for my Dad over the last 17 years, but it is only recently that I have realised that I also need to grieve for my Mum - even though she is still alive, as she is not the person she was.

It seems to me that you have lost a dear Mother at a very young age and your family has been locked in this grief - this is something I fully relate to from my family. But sometimes this grief totally overshadows the love and happiness that person gave you when they were alive. The fact that you crash every year shows that you are still affected emotionally by her death. Can I say that there is an end to grief and I would say you probably need to grieve some more. These emotions and pain are very difficult to process as it involves experiencing your sadness in quite a deep way. I usually find crying the best way of releasing these feelings, but I realise a lot of people find it difficult to cry. Lots of things can trigger grief in me such as the recent Tsunami, as I can relate so much to the loss and pain all those people must be feeling. I am lucky in that if I want to cry I will and will just let these feelings overwhelm me. As painful as it is to experience this, it is a way of letting go and there is no point in holding onto pain. This could be difficult for you in the present as you obviously have your hands full with your children.

How exactly do your symptoms affect you? How easily / openly do you show your sadness?

[mrscjr]

I am easily and frequently overwhelmed by any strong emotion - happiness turns to depression in a flash. More and more my mind goes straight to urges and thoughts of suicide.

That makes crying it out an almost dangerous thing, because I have a lot of difficulty in saying OK it's over I've had a cry, time to move to the next thing to do today, I'll cry more when I need to. I just get lost in the sadness and swept away.

The last few nights I've been having dreams of being suicidal, making attempts, being in the hospital, etc. I spend most of the day trying to rest up from my dreams! Argh.

You mentioned not really grieving - very perceptive! I was actually not allowed to grieve or mourn; I was told to move on and stop being a crybaby, looking for attention etc.

I've been thinking a lot about what Benjamin said about my illness being my identity. He may have struck paydirt with that comment. Too big a picture for me to try to tackle on my own though.

Thanks for the support and encouragement - and good luck to you in your continuing recovery from your parents' separation.