[bubba23]

Wonder if anyone can give me some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. Im 24 and he's 28, I love him more than anything in this world and he feels the same. We have loads in common but also our seperate interests. We have no problems in our sex life, we get on like a house on fire personality/sense of humour wise but there's one major problem. He has emotional issues and i just don't know what to do anymore.

When things are good between us they are amazing. But when things turn nasty, they really get nasty, he doesn't hit me at all but he calls me names, gets very angry and tells me to get out of his life that he doesn't need me. See, 4 years ago, he got someone pregnant and after the baby was born she really took him for a ride, he's spent thousands on lawyers fees to try and see his son because she just left and never let him have access and she emotionally abuses my boyfriend now that he does get access, everytime he goes to pick the boy up she casts things up, telling him he's worthless and can't call himself a father and saying that she's going to find a proper father for him.

My boyfriend doesn't think he can talk to me about it because i get so mad that i wish they would both move to the other end of the world to leave us alone to be happy and he feels awkward talking to me about it because i resent them for what they have done to my boyfriend. He's amazing, kind, sweet and has the potential to give me soooo much love but he can't bring himself to incase he gets hurt again. I would never do that to him and i want nothing more then to get married and have a family with him.

Now, after a horrible holiday in Australia in October, he's asked me to move there so that we can start a fresh but i don't know what to do, i'm worried the emotional abuse might not stop and that im going to be stuck in a country where i don't know anyone with the man i love but he's not treating me right. I'm worried that it's just going to be a repeat of the holiday. But on the other hand, this could be the best thing for us and it could be a fresh start.

Please help!!!!

[Benjamin Fry]

We all have emotional issues ñ even you! Thatís not a bad thing. Itís just the fabric of life. The issue is what are we all doing with them ñ including you. You are casting your future with a man who is emotionally reserved and sometimes abusive. That tells a story of its own. Regardless of his behaviour or history and regardless of where or how you continue your relationships, these aspects of yourself will remain the same unless you think about them a little.

You are presenting a very common symptom of finding love in a not terribly loving situation. You are convinced that your boyfriend has love to give, but currently he doesnít give it. Does this remind you of any situations or emotions from your past? Iíd be interested to hear about your relationship with your father or other significant father figures from your past. It is possible that they were also distant and that you craved being able to figure out how to make them love you more. If so then you are repeating this pattern with this relationship.

The answer to your problems doesnít lie in where you go geographically, but where you chose to go internally. If you engage with the issues in your life in the present (rather than trying to solve your boyfriendís) then you have a chance to develop and grow emotionally. This will give you the insight to understand what you want to do about this relationship. If you would like to say more about your own emotional reality here, please do.

On a practical note, I suggest that you take more seriously the fact that this man is a father. His son is an innocent participant in this drama and will always need a father. Your boyfriend knows this, but is struggling with the practical realities of being estranged from the boyís mother and having a new relationship. Running away from his son may not be the answer. As much as you want to have him to yourself, in the end both of you may deeply regret the consequences that this would have for his son and this could become a festering source of blame and resentment in your relationship.

Donít try to recast him as the man you wish he was. Accept who he is and work with your feelings about that.

[bubba23]

I have a terrible relationship with my father, he left us 6 weeks after i was born for another woman, whom he was seeing for years while married to my mother. I have always resented him for doing that instead of just leaving my mother before any thought of children, which would have been the right thing to do. My father just wanted his cake, so to speak.

I very rarely seen him as i was growing up and when i was old enough to make my own decisions i didn't want to see him and we grew even further apart if that was at all possible. I only see him at birthdays and christmas.

My uncles (mothers brothers) have been the most influential men in my life. They have always been there for me and given me advice whenever i needed it so i have not been short of a father figure although i have always wondered why i was never good enough for my father. I have a sister from my father and his wife and i love her like my full sister, i have never called her my half sister. But she always got all the attention, driving lessons, singing lessons, silly things like that. Things that when i asked for them i was told that he couldn't afford the time or money.

[Benjamin Fry]

Iím sorry that you didnít have a relationship with your father. It seems odd though that you canít identify more with your boyfriends son. He too is risking losing out on a father.

Your father obviously was emotionally unavailable to you. It is likely therefore that you are attracted to men who replicate this pattern. This may mean that you feel very much ìin loveî even when the situation is not ideal. This could explain your current situation.

I think you need to think hard about the parallels between the past and the present, and particularly about why you were attracted to a man who was fighting to get access to his son, when your father was not fighting for you when you were that age. Now, however that he has got better access to his son, you resent the intrusion. You also have found that your boyfriend is not always a knight in shinning armour.

You should try to work more on the issues around your father. This could be done with a counsellor. If you do it will help your adult relationships to automatically become more functional.