Monday 10th oct 22.20pm
Hi, I hope you are all keeping well. I had another thought out of the Blue tonight. Re hubby first. For the same reason that I have never missed him when I have not been with him and also that I have been holding him at arms length, I have not been touched at the thought of not spending the rest of my days with him either! It was earlier on this year that he was nearly getting a job in London - I live in the North West. I was, apart from the reaction of the kids and how they would deal with it, hoping he would get the job!! That way he would be at a distance again and things may have been a bit better! But of course he did not get the job and that was the end of that.....
Re hubbys mum - I have realised in recent weeks that I want as little to do with her as possible. Yes, I will be fine if she visits us here or we are at her house or where-ever. But she only needs to say or do the wrong with and my temper is sky high! So from here on - I will be holding her at arms length too. I have good reason but wont go into now. I am wondering if the anger and rage I feel towards my dad (because of the abuse he gave me) has somehow been transfered to mother-in-law? I know I have plenty of reason to be angry with her and some of the things she has said and done and even NOT said and Not done have been awful over the years. But it only needs one comment about certain issues and the temper I feel is exposive. Explosive to the point where I am scared of ME!!! And thinking about it, my Dad derserves this anger and rage after the way he has been with me. Although Mother-in-Law does too - she has really hurt me over the years.
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
Marriage problems I feel I dont love hubby anymore
#17 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 25 November 2005 - 10:07 AM
Friday 09.37pm 25th Nov
Hi again, Well, I am still in the same position as I was last month only I have realised that hubby is trying to hide from his family, the fact that things arent right between us. He was telling his sister last night that as our kids are going on an adventure weekend in June with the school, we will be able to have a weekend on our own somewhere. He said it like we were really looking forward to it!! I can take it or leave it.
I am actually wondering if I should tell him that I have been holding him at arms length all these years. The trouble is, I dont think I will ever change. Its alright people saying you should work at it. I did my best to "work at it" up untill 2 years ago when all the things that I had been holding in and had been trying to ignore, came out as the result of a conversation with someone. I had been denying that things were wrong between me and hubby and instead of looking for faults all the time, I was trying to see the good in him. But its different now that I know why I was fault finding and being angry with him all the time. And of course you cant unthink something once it is in your mind can you.
So, 4 points contribute to the breakdown of my marriage.
1) He has dramatically changed since retiring from the forces and is not the man I married.
2) He has been very little or no emotional and/or physical support to me over the years though I have tried to put my case forward. I cannot get him to understand the implications or how it feels to not have that understanding etc.
and 3) I know that I am not in love with him and that he has been at arms length all these years because of dad being emotionally abusive to me for many years.
4) Hubby himself as added to this barrier by not being supportive or understanding - it as only added to my anger and hurt and disappointment etc.
The thing now is, I know I dont want this barrier to come down. I dont want to be close to any man. So I dont know if or when I should tell hubby this. Because these are words he will either not understand and simply dismiss or the truth will hit him like a sledge hammer and he will take action. The only problem (other than the kids I mean) is that if we separated I have no income and he would not be able to afford to live anywhere else either. Its like I have the facts of the matter in my head that could end this marriage but we have no money to be able to do anything about it. Perhaps I should put up and shut up for now? We are ok on the surface but thats about it. I live my own life during the day and spend three days a week in college which is great. And I have a lot of mates round here.
But I cannot understand why hubby is not questioning me more. After all, I do not love him, so why would I still want to be with him? Never mind going away for the weekend next summer! He seems to be in denial or something. By the way, hubby knows I am not in love with him.....
I will leave it there for now.
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
Hi again, Well, I am still in the same position as I was last month only I have realised that hubby is trying to hide from his family, the fact that things arent right between us. He was telling his sister last night that as our kids are going on an adventure weekend in June with the school, we will be able to have a weekend on our own somewhere. He said it like we were really looking forward to it!! I can take it or leave it.
I am actually wondering if I should tell him that I have been holding him at arms length all these years. The trouble is, I dont think I will ever change. Its alright people saying you should work at it. I did my best to "work at it" up untill 2 years ago when all the things that I had been holding in and had been trying to ignore, came out as the result of a conversation with someone. I had been denying that things were wrong between me and hubby and instead of looking for faults all the time, I was trying to see the good in him. But its different now that I know why I was fault finding and being angry with him all the time. And of course you cant unthink something once it is in your mind can you.
So, 4 points contribute to the breakdown of my marriage.
1) He has dramatically changed since retiring from the forces and is not the man I married.
2) He has been very little or no emotional and/or physical support to me over the years though I have tried to put my case forward. I cannot get him to understand the implications or how it feels to not have that understanding etc.
and 3) I know that I am not in love with him and that he has been at arms length all these years because of dad being emotionally abusive to me for many years.
4) Hubby himself as added to this barrier by not being supportive or understanding - it as only added to my anger and hurt and disappointment etc.
The thing now is, I know I dont want this barrier to come down. I dont want to be close to any man. So I dont know if or when I should tell hubby this. Because these are words he will either not understand and simply dismiss or the truth will hit him like a sledge hammer and he will take action. The only problem (other than the kids I mean) is that if we separated I have no income and he would not be able to afford to live anywhere else either. Its like I have the facts of the matter in my head that could end this marriage but we have no money to be able to do anything about it. Perhaps I should put up and shut up for now? We are ok on the surface but thats about it. I live my own life during the day and spend three days a week in college which is great. And I have a lot of mates round here.
But I cannot understand why hubby is not questioning me more. After all, I do not love him, so why would I still want to be with him? Never mind going away for the weekend next summer! He seems to be in denial or something. By the way, hubby knows I am not in love with him.....
I will leave it there for now.
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
#18 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 10 January 2006 - 10:43 PM
Tuesday 22.29pm 10th Jan 05
Hi all, Since my last post, I have told hubby that I have been holding him at arms length since we got married!!! I have told him why the barrier has been up and how I discovered the fact - that I have been angry and irritated (inwardly) since we moved in together almost 14 years ago!!! He said I had not been angry etc all that time but I said I had. But he must realise that some of the time, I tried to ignore it, put it to the back of my mind, tell myself I was being stupid etc etc. Well, the result of telling hubby everything was a bit of a surprise - half of the anger disolved!!! I was starting to think that things were going to change and I was feeling good about it. But that was 6 weeks or so ago. And I regret to say that there has been no further change since then and I am still irritated, angry and disappointed. And I know that depsite half of the anger having left me, I am still holding my hubby at arms length and keeping that barrier in place!!! I thought I had found the answer but I was wrong. Now if anything, things are worse! I wonder if Benjamin will see this message - I hope so. Perhaps he could explain why half of my inner anger rage went as a result of telling hubby all about it. But there has been no change since and I have still got that barrier up. It most definately has not come half way down!!! Trouble is, I told hubby that I thought that our marriage was on the mend as a result of my findings but I am not at all sure now. I think I am back to square one, even though half the rage has gone.
Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated.
Many thanks
Shirley
Hi all, Since my last post, I have told hubby that I have been holding him at arms length since we got married!!! I have told him why the barrier has been up and how I discovered the fact - that I have been angry and irritated (inwardly) since we moved in together almost 14 years ago!!! He said I had not been angry etc all that time but I said I had. But he must realise that some of the time, I tried to ignore it, put it to the back of my mind, tell myself I was being stupid etc etc. Well, the result of telling hubby everything was a bit of a surprise - half of the anger disolved!!! I was starting to think that things were going to change and I was feeling good about it. But that was 6 weeks or so ago. And I regret to say that there has been no further change since then and I am still irritated, angry and disappointed. And I know that depsite half of the anger having left me, I am still holding my hubby at arms length and keeping that barrier in place!!! I thought I had found the answer but I was wrong. Now if anything, things are worse! I wonder if Benjamin will see this message - I hope so. Perhaps he could explain why half of my inner anger rage went as a result of telling hubby all about it. But there has been no change since and I have still got that barrier up. It most definately has not come half way down!!! Trouble is, I told hubby that I thought that our marriage was on the mend as a result of my findings but I am not at all sure now. I think I am back to square one, even though half the rage has gone.
Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated.
Many thanks
Shirley
#19
Sherri 
- Advanced Member
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- Group: Members
- Posts: 46
- Joined: 26-November 04
Posted 11 January 2006 - 03:38 PM
Hi Shirley,
How often do you have a good solid conversation with him? DO you know what's in his mind right now?
Communication is the key to sustain any relationship, especially if you want it to go better.
Best wishes as always.
Sherri
How often do you have a good solid conversation with him? DO you know what's in his mind right now?
Communication is the key to sustain any relationship, especially if you want it to go better.
Best wishes as always.
Sherri
#20 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 11 January 2006 - 04:09 PM
Wednesday 4.03pm 11th Jan
Hi Sherry, Thanks for your post. Much appreciated. We dont have a good solid conversation that often. Not that often at all. Last time we had any "decent" conversation was when I told him that I had been angry all these years and why. Even then, it did not last long. He clams up very quickly like he doesnt really know what to say or do, come to that. It is always me that initiates these conversations. I wish to god that he was more in control and led the way a bit more. No, I dont know whats in his mind right now, other than he is worried about money and I know he loves me.
You are right, conversation is the key to sustain any realtionship. I agree with you there. But the man who would sit me down and sort it all out, take control of the situation and listened to what I said, lived only in my dreams!!
Thanks again for your post.
Best Wishes.
Shirley
Hi Sherry, Thanks for your post. Much appreciated. We dont have a good solid conversation that often. Not that often at all. Last time we had any "decent" conversation was when I told him that I had been angry all these years and why. Even then, it did not last long. He clams up very quickly like he doesnt really know what to say or do, come to that. It is always me that initiates these conversations. I wish to god that he was more in control and led the way a bit more. No, I dont know whats in his mind right now, other than he is worried about money and I know he loves me.
You are right, conversation is the key to sustain any realtionship. I agree with you there. But the man who would sit me down and sort it all out, take control of the situation and listened to what I said, lived only in my dreams!!
Thanks again for your post.
Best Wishes.
Shirley
#21
Sherri
- Advanced Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 46
- Joined: 26-November 04
Posted 12 January 2006 - 07:52 PM
Hi Shirley,
If you can get half of the anger dissolved with one talkÖ and if you KNOW he still love youÖ I would keep on talking, if I were you. In your conversation, maybe you can also let him realize that you want him to initiate more communications. Set up a routine for communication. Make it into a dinner date from time to time. Hey, it might work better than you expected.
We all have our dreams. I wish you wouldnít let your dream get in the way. More than that, I wish you could work your dream into your daily life. Not an easy task I am sure, may not even be possible. But it is definitely worth a try.
All the best.
Sherri
If you can get half of the anger dissolved with one talkÖ and if you KNOW he still love youÖ I would keep on talking, if I were you. In your conversation, maybe you can also let him realize that you want him to initiate more communications. Set up a routine for communication. Make it into a dinner date from time to time. Hey, it might work better than you expected.
We all have our dreams. I wish you wouldnít let your dream get in the way. More than that, I wish you could work your dream into your daily life. Not an easy task I am sure, may not even be possible. But it is definitely worth a try.
All the best.
Sherri
#22 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 15 January 2006 - 05:33 PM
Sunday 17.24pm 15th Jam uk
Hi Sherri, Thanks for your post. You have got a point when you say we should keep talking. For me its not a problem. For him its like trying to get blood from a stone!! Yes there needs to be a routine for conversation and he needs to start initiating it. Trouble is, getting him to talk for any length of time and to contribute something concrete.
Probably the worse mistake I made was to tell him that I thought everything would be ok as a result of telling him everything and that half of the anger had gone. I said that because I presumed/hoped that it would keep on disolving, the anger I mean. But it hasnt. I still feel, disappointed, let down, alone (inside) frustrated, hurt and angry.
I am going to have to tackle this talking issue arent I?
Thanks again for your post.
Take Care
Shirley
Hi Sherri, Thanks for your post. You have got a point when you say we should keep talking. For me its not a problem. For him its like trying to get blood from a stone!! Yes there needs to be a routine for conversation and he needs to start initiating it. Trouble is, getting him to talk for any length of time and to contribute something concrete.
Probably the worse mistake I made was to tell him that I thought everything would be ok as a result of telling him everything and that half of the anger had gone. I said that because I presumed/hoped that it would keep on disolving, the anger I mean. But it hasnt. I still feel, disappointed, let down, alone (inside) frustrated, hurt and angry.
I am going to have to tackle this talking issue arent I?
Thanks again for your post.
Take Care
Shirley
#23 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 28 February 2006 - 03:59 PM
Tueday 28th February 15.45pm uk
Hi all, Its been a few weeks since I posted here. Things havent changed a great deal. It was a mistake telling hubby that things were going to be alright, I know that for definate now!! Certainly, a lot of the anger has gone, no doubt about that. But regardless, I know that I am still keeping that barrier firmly in place. I had thought that if the anger went, the barrier would start to crumble but it hasnt been as easy or straight forward as that. I am still in the same boat but not just as angry! Only the other night, hubby suggested that it was a pity that we couldnt sleep together in each others arms - he was referring to the fact that I sleep in the next room due to him snoring - but I said nothing in response. A few weeks ago, during a conversation, he told me that I loved him!! It went "blah blad blah, the way you love me!" Again I said nothing. He knows that I am not in love with him. If only..................
I have been getting a break from him lately. He goes to London on a course with his job twice a month for a few days. His next visit is on Monday till Wednesday. You see when he is in London, we have that distance between us that was there when we first met, before we got married. And the whole situation was great. A distance relationship is ideal for me. So I look forward to him going away for a few days.......
I had better stop. The kids are home from school in a few minutes.
Best Wishes
Shirley
Hi all, Its been a few weeks since I posted here. Things havent changed a great deal. It was a mistake telling hubby that things were going to be alright, I know that for definate now!! Certainly, a lot of the anger has gone, no doubt about that. But regardless, I know that I am still keeping that barrier firmly in place. I had thought that if the anger went, the barrier would start to crumble but it hasnt been as easy or straight forward as that. I am still in the same boat but not just as angry! Only the other night, hubby suggested that it was a pity that we couldnt sleep together in each others arms - he was referring to the fact that I sleep in the next room due to him snoring - but I said nothing in response. A few weeks ago, during a conversation, he told me that I loved him!! It went "blah blad blah, the way you love me!" Again I said nothing. He knows that I am not in love with him. If only..................
I have been getting a break from him lately. He goes to London on a course with his job twice a month for a few days. His next visit is on Monday till Wednesday. You see when he is in London, we have that distance between us that was there when we first met, before we got married. And the whole situation was great. A distance relationship is ideal for me. So I look forward to him going away for a few days.......
I had better stop. The kids are home from school in a few minutes.
Best Wishes
Shirley
#24 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 07 April 2006 - 10:59 AM
Friday 7th April 11.36am
Hi all, Re my marriage problems and this barrier that will not come down, does anyone think that a psychotherapist/psychiatrist or a a psychologist could help? Clearly, my anger/irritation/critical comments/disatisfaction etc etc is serving as a defense mechanism to keep a great distance/barrier between hubby and me. One thing is definate - this barier will never come down without the help of a professional and I am not convinced that it would come down even then. Whilst I type this, hubby is in London! So we are at that distance though all too briefly. He went on Wednesday and comes back late this afternoon!! I rang Relate the other week and told them all about these issues (as much as I could in 20 minutes) and the lady there said she thought that I was trying to fix everything here on my own, almost like I am blaming myself for everything going wrong. There are actually 3 main points involved in this marriage breakdown.
1) The barrier I have erected (probably before I even met hubby though I didnt realise it) because of dads emotional abuse.
2) Hubbys lack of support and understanding with the kids
3) Hubbys major personality change since he left the army.
Anyway, I would be interested to know if a psychiatrist or similar would be able to give me the key to bring this barrier down. Trouble is, he might give me it but I may throw it away!! It is just a shame that I did not have any serious relationships with fellas before I met hubby. I had plenty of boyfriends though none of them lasted or were serious so I never got the chance to see that I would not be able to deal with a man in a close relationship on a day to day basis till it was too late!!
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
Hi all, Re my marriage problems and this barrier that will not come down, does anyone think that a psychotherapist/psychiatrist or a a psychologist could help? Clearly, my anger/irritation/critical comments/disatisfaction etc etc is serving as a defense mechanism to keep a great distance/barrier between hubby and me. One thing is definate - this barier will never come down without the help of a professional and I am not convinced that it would come down even then. Whilst I type this, hubby is in London! So we are at that distance though all too briefly. He went on Wednesday and comes back late this afternoon!! I rang Relate the other week and told them all about these issues (as much as I could in 20 minutes) and the lady there said she thought that I was trying to fix everything here on my own, almost like I am blaming myself for everything going wrong. There are actually 3 main points involved in this marriage breakdown.
1) The barrier I have erected (probably before I even met hubby though I didnt realise it) because of dads emotional abuse.
2) Hubbys lack of support and understanding with the kids
3) Hubbys major personality change since he left the army.
Anyway, I would be interested to know if a psychiatrist or similar would be able to give me the key to bring this barrier down. Trouble is, he might give me it but I may throw it away!! It is just a shame that I did not have any serious relationships with fellas before I met hubby. I had plenty of boyfriends though none of them lasted or were serious so I never got the chance to see that I would not be able to deal with a man in a close relationship on a day to day basis till it was too late!!
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
#25 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 09 April 2006 - 09:39 AM
Sunday 9th April 06 10.30am uk
Hi, I have now decided to go to my doctor and see if he/she will refer me to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. They may be able to help me bring down this barrier that is keeping me and hubby apart. Its by no means definate of course but worth a try anyway. Also, I have now told hubby that I cannot bring the barrier down without professional help and even then, it might not work. I have also said that I cannot cope with being in this marriage if nothing works and I cannot change, cannot bring this barrier down. So I said that I was not sure how long the marriage would last. I will leave it there - my kids are around.
Shirley
Hi, I have now decided to go to my doctor and see if he/she will refer me to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. They may be able to help me bring down this barrier that is keeping me and hubby apart. Its by no means definate of course but worth a try anyway. Also, I have now told hubby that I cannot bring the barrier down without professional help and even then, it might not work. I have also said that I cannot cope with being in this marriage if nothing works and I cannot change, cannot bring this barrier down. So I said that I was not sure how long the marriage would last. I will leave it there - my kids are around.
Shirley
