Monday 11am 10th Jan 05
Hi, I have been thinking about my life and other issues that I have posted on this forum (Anger at family) and have recently realised that its more than likely that I dont love hubby anymore! I told him a couple of months ago that I wasnt sure if I loved him or not so he knows things arent great here. I know I loved him when we got married 13 years ago but its all gone, disolved into thin air. In fact I am not really clear what love really is about anymore. Can someone tell me how I would feel about hubby if I really did love him, just some for instances would do. I must be honest here - its my fault that our marriage has gone wrong. I have just recently realised that when we got wed, somewhere in the deepest darkest corners of my mind, I knew (1000% confident!) that this man would make up for all my deficiencies!!! I was not concious of it (thinking this) at the time but looking back on it - it was somewhere at the back of my mind. My anger (quite apart from the anger I have got because of my dads emotional abuse for all those years) toward hubby has been because he has turned out quite unable to fill the areas where I am deficient! It just goes to show that even when we are highly confident, things can still be wrong!! The trouble with all this is that hubby has, whats the word, gone down (quite a long way) in my estimation. Its like I thought he was Mr ABC when in fact, he is Mr XYZ. So now basically, on top of all this rage/hurt/pain I have because of my dads behaviour, I am also living with a man that its more than likely, I dont love anymore! He, hubby, still loves me and says he does not want to lose me. He mentioned a couple of days ago that he was depressed because of what I said about being uncertain of my feelings for him. Having said that, he is quite normal on the outside just like I am.
Because of all this emotional upevil, I have been over eating and putting weight on. Its my own fault I know that. But does anyone else think like me. For example, when I am in town or at the supermarket and I see some nice ice-cream or chocolate bars or cakes, whatever, I "see" it as something that will calm me down inside or sooth that feeling of discomfort thats inside me! Its like I "see" junk food as a drug to ease the pain. I would love to stop seeing food in this way. Can anyway tell me how I can change this view point once and for all and get away from seeing junk food as an emotional pain killer! I hope that Benjamin reads this. He may have some ideas he can give me. Meanwhile, I must get on and write this letter to my dad and then not post it. I must get all of this rage out of me. It has affected my life badly over the years and I dont want it to ruin my life any longer.
Thanks for "listening" everyone.
From Shirley
Marriage problems I feel I dont love hubby anymore
#2
bubba23 
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Posted 10 January 2005 - 02:30 PM
Shirley,
One of my friends (she has been married for 10years, since she was 19), went through a similar thing last year, she wasn't sure whether she loved her man anymore. The simple reason for it was as they grew older, they were changing inside. So last year they got to know each other again. They took a breather from one another, then started doing the whole dating, getting to know you all over again. They realised they had changed so much and began learning new things about each other that they fell in love all over again and now they couldn't be happier. However, you can realise that you no longer have anything in common and it's best to go your seperate ways but you have to re-discover each other again.
One of my friends (she has been married for 10years, since she was 19), went through a similar thing last year, she wasn't sure whether she loved her man anymore. The simple reason for it was as they grew older, they were changing inside. So last year they got to know each other again. They took a breather from one another, then started doing the whole dating, getting to know you all over again. They realised they had changed so much and began learning new things about each other that they fell in love all over again and now they couldn't be happier. However, you can realise that you no longer have anything in common and it's best to go your seperate ways but you have to re-discover each other again.
#3 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 13 January 2005 - 09:07 PM
9am Thursday 13th Jan 05
Hi Bubba, Thanks for your message. I have heard of people doing like your friend did. Dating and getting to know each other all over again. I agree, it can work for some people, may be it would for us. The only trouble is the lack of regular babysitters. I dare say we could have some time together at home after the kids had gone to bed. A candle lit meal for example. We tried this a few Saturdays before Xmas and it soon fizzled out. You mention not having anything in common - thats us. Nothing in common apart from the kids. We dont share any interests, not really. So I feel at this moment that we will stay together at least till the kids can look after themselves and review the situation then. Things are "fine" here on the surface. Its below the surface where things are wrong. Plus tonight when hubby got in from work, he was on a real downer, upset about the attitude of his work colleagues. If I really loved him, this would not bother me would it - I would have been more supportive and tried to help him through a rough time. As it was I just said that the lads at work were a pain and left it at that.
Thanks again for your message.
Best Wishes.
Shirley.
Hi Bubba, Thanks for your message. I have heard of people doing like your friend did. Dating and getting to know each other all over again. I agree, it can work for some people, may be it would for us. The only trouble is the lack of regular babysitters. I dare say we could have some time together at home after the kids had gone to bed. A candle lit meal for example. We tried this a few Saturdays before Xmas and it soon fizzled out. You mention not having anything in common - thats us. Nothing in common apart from the kids. We dont share any interests, not really. So I feel at this moment that we will stay together at least till the kids can look after themselves and review the situation then. Things are "fine" here on the surface. Its below the surface where things are wrong. Plus tonight when hubby got in from work, he was on a real downer, upset about the attitude of his work colleagues. If I really loved him, this would not bother me would it - I would have been more supportive and tried to help him through a rough time. As it was I just said that the lads at work were a pain and left it at that.
Thanks again for your message.
Best Wishes.
Shirley.
#4 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 15 August 2005 - 02:57 PM
Hi again, Its a while since I posted here. Me and hubby are still together though wether this is good or bad, I dont know. I dont love him. He still loves me and its our 13th wedding anniversary on Monday next week!!! I am not satisfied the way things are. But I cannot just up and leave when we have got 2 kids to think about, can I? Quite apart from that, I have no money and no-where else to go. Things havent been easy these last few months, there has been words with hubbys mother too. She is a lady who is only interested in her self untill there is something "wrong" ie, a spot on my daughters neck. When she called a few weeks ago she made a major issue of it, I was livid telling her that she had no real interest in the kids anyway, only when something was, in her eyes, wrong. It has turned out since, that talking to my sister in law only yesterday, her mum was not a good mum and was not interested in hubby or his brother and sisters either. So this ties in with her lack of interest in my kids. I am banging on about mother in laws lack of interest in the kids because of the knock on effect that it has had over the years......
Hubby has tried to do better, ie not giving our daughter negative attention when she is faddy with her food etc. I have argued with both him and his mum over this. Anyway, our girl told me at the weekend that she loves it when her dad gets angry when she wont eat etc!!!!! I have told hubby thiis for years!! I couldnt believe it when Our girl was confirming what I already knew!
However, hubby gets angry with the kids (I know they all do) and calls them names, even kicked our girl yesterday!! I do not need a man that carrys on like a bigger virsion of the kids. I need a man with some authority, control who will bring calm and fairness to the house, not name calling and kicking. I have told him that he must not do this but it goes in one ear and out the other. I asked him if his dad called him names and he said that he did. He added that it had not knocked his confidence though!! I reckon it has, in spectacular fashion, even now all these years later. I told him that if he continued to call our boy names, it would knock his confidence completely.
My troubke is, apart from not loving my husband, I feel like I need someone to lead me all the time, in the right direction. I need someone to stand by me when things get tough but hubby doesnt do this either. He cant stand confrontation. However, he stood up for his mum the other week when I told her that she had no concrete interest in the kids!! This made things 100 times worse!!!
Well, it may be our anniversary next week but I am not really bothered. I can take it or leave it. We wont be going anywhere or doing anything. Makes no odds really.
I had better go and put the tea on.
Thanks everyone for listening.
Shirley
Hubby has tried to do better, ie not giving our daughter negative attention when she is faddy with her food etc. I have argued with both him and his mum over this. Anyway, our girl told me at the weekend that she loves it when her dad gets angry when she wont eat etc!!!!! I have told hubby thiis for years!! I couldnt believe it when Our girl was confirming what I already knew!
However, hubby gets angry with the kids (I know they all do) and calls them names, even kicked our girl yesterday!! I do not need a man that carrys on like a bigger virsion of the kids. I need a man with some authority, control who will bring calm and fairness to the house, not name calling and kicking. I have told him that he must not do this but it goes in one ear and out the other. I asked him if his dad called him names and he said that he did. He added that it had not knocked his confidence though!! I reckon it has, in spectacular fashion, even now all these years later. I told him that if he continued to call our boy names, it would knock his confidence completely.
My troubke is, apart from not loving my husband, I feel like I need someone to lead me all the time, in the right direction. I need someone to stand by me when things get tough but hubby doesnt do this either. He cant stand confrontation. However, he stood up for his mum the other week when I told her that she had no concrete interest in the kids!! This made things 100 times worse!!!
Well, it may be our anniversary next week but I am not really bothered. I can take it or leave it. We wont be going anywhere or doing anything. Makes no odds really.
I had better go and put the tea on.
Thanks everyone for listening.
Shirley
#5 Guest_Guest_star_*
Posted 16 August 2005 - 08:49 AM
Hi, How would you feel if you and your husband split up? Not how you feel about your children - put them aside for a moment... How would YOU really feel about not being with him anymore? Not sharing your life with him and being around him? Would you feel hurt/upset? Would you struggle to get over him and perhaps feel even worse than you do now, or, do you think you would feel free and happy that you are finally rid of him, like a big weight has been lifted from you?
I truely believe, that if you can answer this question, then you really will know of there is any love left there, and if you relationship is worth saving, we tend to take our relationships for granted, and it isn't until we do something about it, that we will realise if we were making the right decision! It is so easy to question our relationships, but sometimes, the problem lies with US as a person, and not hte relationship.
I will be interested to hear how you answer this.
Take Care. xx
I truely believe, that if you can answer this question, then you really will know of there is any love left there, and if you relationship is worth saving, we tend to take our relationships for granted, and it isn't until we do something about it, that we will realise if we were making the right decision! It is so easy to question our relationships, but sometimes, the problem lies with US as a person, and not hte relationship.
I will be interested to hear how you answer this.
Take Care. xx
#6 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 21 August 2005 - 09:12 PM
Sunday 21.43pm 21st August
Hi Star, Thanks for your post. You ask how I would feel if hubby and I split up, how I would feel about not being with him or sharing my life with him. The answer is, I dont know!! Would I feel hurt/upset, struggle to get over him - I wish I could tell you.
Yes, maybe we do take relationships for granted after a while. Maybe there is an element of that going on here. May be it would be a case of, I didnt realise what I had untill it had gone.
I am aware of the fact that sometimes the problem lies within US as a person and not the relationship - there is some of that in our relationship I know - some of the problems are within me - I can admit that.
It is our 13th wedding anniversary tomorrow! Hubby bought me some flowers, roses!! They are lovely.
But I cannot understand why some days I feel yes, things will improve and we can make a go of it. Yet other days, I am ready to murder him. I feel so down right up and down, like on an emotional roller coaster.
Today me and hubby were talking about an issue I feel very strongly about - his mums lack of interest in the kids and the knock on effect it has. Finally he agreed, after I gave him plenty of examples showing that she has no interest at all (other than whats necessary) and he admitted that what I was saying was right. So that was a break through. Its taken him a while to admit to that..... So having had a chat and a breakthrough I felt more like physical contact.
But, he has some stupid habits that drive me crazy and apart from the fact of when I first realised he was getting on my nerves years ago ( a sign that I was not "seeing" the man I married) he still does do my head in. To the point where I could throttle him. Its such minor things too that irritate me. ie Not using an hanky untill he absolutely must do so, not having an hanky in his pocket, not putting his hand up whilst coughing or sneezing, using his hand/fingers to wipe his nose, not muffling his bad cough....Yes I know, not major issues at all but they get me riled if I am not careful. I dont know why - how do I get over being so angry over such insignificant irritations? Any ideas? I know that it would be a big step forward if I could overcome these irritations.
I had better stop - he is coming down stairs - thanks again for your reply. Take Care.
Shirley
Hi Star, Thanks for your post. You ask how I would feel if hubby and I split up, how I would feel about not being with him or sharing my life with him. The answer is, I dont know!! Would I feel hurt/upset, struggle to get over him - I wish I could tell you.
Yes, maybe we do take relationships for granted after a while. Maybe there is an element of that going on here. May be it would be a case of, I didnt realise what I had untill it had gone.
I am aware of the fact that sometimes the problem lies within US as a person and not the relationship - there is some of that in our relationship I know - some of the problems are within me - I can admit that.
It is our 13th wedding anniversary tomorrow! Hubby bought me some flowers, roses!! They are lovely.
But I cannot understand why some days I feel yes, things will improve and we can make a go of it. Yet other days, I am ready to murder him. I feel so down right up and down, like on an emotional roller coaster.
Today me and hubby were talking about an issue I feel very strongly about - his mums lack of interest in the kids and the knock on effect it has. Finally he agreed, after I gave him plenty of examples showing that she has no interest at all (other than whats necessary) and he admitted that what I was saying was right. So that was a break through. Its taken him a while to admit to that..... So having had a chat and a breakthrough I felt more like physical contact.
But, he has some stupid habits that drive me crazy and apart from the fact of when I first realised he was getting on my nerves years ago ( a sign that I was not "seeing" the man I married) he still does do my head in. To the point where I could throttle him. Its such minor things too that irritate me. ie Not using an hanky untill he absolutely must do so, not having an hanky in his pocket, not putting his hand up whilst coughing or sneezing, using his hand/fingers to wipe his nose, not muffling his bad cough....Yes I know, not major issues at all but they get me riled if I am not careful. I dont know why - how do I get over being so angry over such insignificant irritations? Any ideas? I know that it would be a big step forward if I could overcome these irritations.
I had better stop - he is coming down stairs - thanks again for your reply. Take Care.
Shirley
#7 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 22 August 2005 - 02:06 PM
Monday 14.52pm 22nd August 05
Hi again, I had a thought last night - it came to me as soon as I had closed this PC down! It was regarding me being upset and angry at hubbys bad manners and other insignificant issues. Dont know why I had not thought of this before but -
bearing in mind that I had a very bad relationship with my dad - he was guilty of emotional abuse, rejecting me etc, this act of being put off hubby when he displays bad habits could be a safety mechanism. Well, when I am cross with him, I am taking a step back from involvement, if you see what I mean. I have been, without realising, keeping him at arms length. Am I making sense? To take the subject of arms length a bit further, hubby and I had a long distance relationship before we were married. He was in the forces you see. In some ways, I had the perfect relationship as we were crazy about each and everything was wonderful, but, AT A DISTANCE!!! Maybe me being annoyed at his habits etc is my way of holding him at a distance now?!!! The more I think of it, the more it makes sense. What do you think? Do you see what I mean?
Best Wishes
Shirley
Hi again, I had a thought last night - it came to me as soon as I had closed this PC down! It was regarding me being upset and angry at hubbys bad manners and other insignificant issues. Dont know why I had not thought of this before but -
bearing in mind that I had a very bad relationship with my dad - he was guilty of emotional abuse, rejecting me etc, this act of being put off hubby when he displays bad habits could be a safety mechanism. Well, when I am cross with him, I am taking a step back from involvement, if you see what I mean. I have been, without realising, keeping him at arms length. Am I making sense? To take the subject of arms length a bit further, hubby and I had a long distance relationship before we were married. He was in the forces you see. In some ways, I had the perfect relationship as we were crazy about each and everything was wonderful, but, AT A DISTANCE!!! Maybe me being annoyed at his habits etc is my way of holding him at a distance now?!!! The more I think of it, the more it makes sense. What do you think? Do you see what I mean?
Best Wishes
Shirley
#8 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 09 September 2005 - 10:08 PM
Friday 22.41pm 9th September
Hi, The more I have thought about the words in my previous message, the more I realise that I have, at long last, hit the nail on the head!!! My anger at hubby has definately been a safety mechanism to keep me at a distance from him. Well, its been in place for 3 reasons really. 1) I now realise that because of my dad, I can never trust a man with my emotions and feelings. The damage was done long before I met hubby - I just wish I had realised this before we got married! 2) Our relationship started at a distance and I had wanted, without even being aware of it, to keep it at a distance. I should have seen the "light switch on" when I was happy with a relationship at a distance. And 3) Hubby was not the man I thought he was on the day of our wedding and this has been very difficult to cope with too. These days he is someone quite diffferent and this also came to light through my anger at him! So the safety mechanism was in place to stop any deep emotional involvement with a man whos personality was changing before my eyes! When I got married, I left behind my life in yorkshire, all my friends and family to live first, down south for two years then up here for 11 years. I was 35 when we got married but somehow I missed all the signs that things werent just as good as I had thought and went ahead with the wedding. I could never have expected in a million years that 13 years down the line, I would see things for what they are and realise that hubby was someone totally different to the man I married! Everything was so wonderful. Having said that, I used to wonder why I did not miss hubby when he was away and when we were seeing each other. He was abroad you see and would come home every few months. I did not miss him though I did look forward to seeing him when the time got nearer. I didnt miss him because deep down, I did not want a close relationship with any man and whilst he was away, I was having my cake and eating it - a great boyfirend/hubby without emotinal involvement even though we were getting married. And he was away for 6 months not long after we were married - it didnt bother me that much. Now I know why!!!!
I will stop here and go to bed thinking about where we (me and hubby) go from here. I have not told him any of this - dont know what he would think or do. He knows I fell out of love with him though. He has gone to bed early tonight after a bad day at work. I dont sleep with him as he snores so I will use the spare bed in our daughters room.
Thanks for listening.
Best Wishes
Shirley
Hi, The more I have thought about the words in my previous message, the more I realise that I have, at long last, hit the nail on the head!!! My anger at hubby has definately been a safety mechanism to keep me at a distance from him. Well, its been in place for 3 reasons really. 1) I now realise that because of my dad, I can never trust a man with my emotions and feelings. The damage was done long before I met hubby - I just wish I had realised this before we got married! 2) Our relationship started at a distance and I had wanted, without even being aware of it, to keep it at a distance. I should have seen the "light switch on" when I was happy with a relationship at a distance. And 3) Hubby was not the man I thought he was on the day of our wedding and this has been very difficult to cope with too. These days he is someone quite diffferent and this also came to light through my anger at him! So the safety mechanism was in place to stop any deep emotional involvement with a man whos personality was changing before my eyes! When I got married, I left behind my life in yorkshire, all my friends and family to live first, down south for two years then up here for 11 years. I was 35 when we got married but somehow I missed all the signs that things werent just as good as I had thought and went ahead with the wedding. I could never have expected in a million years that 13 years down the line, I would see things for what they are and realise that hubby was someone totally different to the man I married! Everything was so wonderful. Having said that, I used to wonder why I did not miss hubby when he was away and when we were seeing each other. He was abroad you see and would come home every few months. I did not miss him though I did look forward to seeing him when the time got nearer. I didnt miss him because deep down, I did not want a close relationship with any man and whilst he was away, I was having my cake and eating it - a great boyfirend/hubby without emotinal involvement even though we were getting married. And he was away for 6 months not long after we were married - it didnt bother me that much. Now I know why!!!!
I will stop here and go to bed thinking about where we (me and hubby) go from here. I have not told him any of this - dont know what he would think or do. He knows I fell out of love with him though. He has gone to bed early tonight after a bad day at work. I dont sleep with him as he snores so I will use the spare bed in our daughters room.
Thanks for listening.
Best Wishes
Shirley
#9 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 26 September 2005 - 09:21 AM
Monday 26th September 09.46am
Hi, I have been thinking about the above message quite a lot since I posted it on here. I know that what I said in the message is correct but I have a friend on the internet who is asking if I think I love hubby or not. The answer is probably not.
Well, when you think about it, how can you love someone when you are always angry with them, always mad at what they do, always looking for fault, always irritated with their bad habits and when they do something "wrong"? How can you love someone when you are holding them (emotionally/mentally) at arms length? How can you love someone when you are not upset when they are not around - the way I never missed hubby when he lived several hundred miles away? How can you love someone when you are not bothered either way if they dont come out with you at the weekend or not? Basically, if it werent for the kids, it would not matter to me wether hubby was here or not, I do not have strong feelings that tell me I cannot live without him. Hubby and I should have kept our relationship going from a distance - that way it may have worked.
My husband is my childrens dad and he still lives here with us. He knows that I dont love him. I had to tell him - I did not want to live a lie. I would describe him as being more of a mate than a man I am in love with. Dont get me wrong, I may have said some unpleasant things in the paragraph above but in other ways - love or no love - hubby is not a bad bloke really. He is a good worker and never has time off. He is honest and reliable. He doesnt go out drinking with the lads. He is quite easy going. He is friendly enough. He is great when it comes to DIY, cooking, housework etc. He has a sense of humour.........
However, I have no idea where to go from here, not a clue. He said at one point that if my feelings dont change, then we may have to end it. That was 2 or 3 months ago. But clearly he has no intention of ending the marriage - he is talking about us having a new bathroom etc and where we are going on holiday next year etc. I suppose that for now, I will just have to muddle along the way I have been doing. Had we not had kids together, we may have broke the marriage up by now.
I think that I am just totally surprised that all this has come out after 13 years of marriage and for all that time, my head was firmly buried in the sand!! I cannot imagine why I did not see the answer to my behavior (anger at hubby and not missing him etc) ages ago.
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
Hi, I have been thinking about the above message quite a lot since I posted it on here. I know that what I said in the message is correct but I have a friend on the internet who is asking if I think I love hubby or not. The answer is probably not.
Well, when you think about it, how can you love someone when you are always angry with them, always mad at what they do, always looking for fault, always irritated with their bad habits and when they do something "wrong"? How can you love someone when you are holding them (emotionally/mentally) at arms length? How can you love someone when you are not upset when they are not around - the way I never missed hubby when he lived several hundred miles away? How can you love someone when you are not bothered either way if they dont come out with you at the weekend or not? Basically, if it werent for the kids, it would not matter to me wether hubby was here or not, I do not have strong feelings that tell me I cannot live without him. Hubby and I should have kept our relationship going from a distance - that way it may have worked.
My husband is my childrens dad and he still lives here with us. He knows that I dont love him. I had to tell him - I did not want to live a lie. I would describe him as being more of a mate than a man I am in love with. Dont get me wrong, I may have said some unpleasant things in the paragraph above but in other ways - love or no love - hubby is not a bad bloke really. He is a good worker and never has time off. He is honest and reliable. He doesnt go out drinking with the lads. He is quite easy going. He is friendly enough. He is great when it comes to DIY, cooking, housework etc. He has a sense of humour.........
However, I have no idea where to go from here, not a clue. He said at one point that if my feelings dont change, then we may have to end it. That was 2 or 3 months ago. But clearly he has no intention of ending the marriage - he is talking about us having a new bathroom etc and where we are going on holiday next year etc. I suppose that for now, I will just have to muddle along the way I have been doing. Had we not had kids together, we may have broke the marriage up by now.
I think that I am just totally surprised that all this has come out after 13 years of marriage and for all that time, my head was firmly buried in the sand!! I cannot imagine why I did not see the answer to my behavior (anger at hubby and not missing him etc) ages ago.
Thanks for listening.
Shirley
#10 Guest_DC_*
Posted 26 September 2005 - 05:37 PM
Hi Shirley,
Reading over some of your postings has gotten me wondering if the reason some of your husband's behavior bothers you is because it shows a lack of consideration for others. If you have asked him to do simple things like use a handkerchief or cover his cough and he constantly neglects to do it, you may consciously or otherwise see this response as a lack of consideration for your feelings.
He may even be doing it, consciously or not, as a way of asserting himself. Or else he is very lacking in social skills and doesn't care enough to try and improve. Either way it could be seen as lack of consideration for you. Perhaps that is why you are irritated by it. It may also be difficult for you to love someone whom you perceive as not being considerate of you.
Lets face it though, men are rather crude sometimes and do things that women find disgusting. My husband can't just sneeze once, he sneezes sometimes 10-15 times in a row. It makes me crazy but what can I do, get mad at him for sneezing? He could hold his nose shut and stop the sneezing but he never does even though I've asked. But, unlike you, I really know that I love my husband and can stand the annoying things, at least so far.
It sounds from your last posting that he doesn't want to give up on you. He is making plans that include you in the hopes that they will. Perhaps, since you may not have said anything lately, he is hoping that you have reconsidered the way you feel about him. Why not try a trial separation? Maybe when ending the relationship seems more real for you, you will have a better understanding of your feelings.
It may be hard and expensive to find another place to live and actually go through moving out, but it will be worth it for you to finally be true to yourself. Staying married for the kids isn't really a good reason because kids are very perceptive and can tell when things aren't right.
In your postings you sound as though sometimes you do care for your husband. How much have you done to communicate to him the things that bother you with his behavior and the idea that you feel you have nothing in common? Would it be worthwhile to try again if you have done this in the past? Is couples counseling an option? It could help.
What I've discovered in over 22 years of marraige to my husband is that you really have to know that you love him, he cares about you and is your best friend. I would never have made it this far otherwise. Some days I still feel ready to leave but then he comes through for me. Usually because I have found a way to verbalize to him what is causing my frustration.
Best wishes Shirley and let us know how things work out for you.
Reading over some of your postings has gotten me wondering if the reason some of your husband's behavior bothers you is because it shows a lack of consideration for others. If you have asked him to do simple things like use a handkerchief or cover his cough and he constantly neglects to do it, you may consciously or otherwise see this response as a lack of consideration for your feelings.
He may even be doing it, consciously or not, as a way of asserting himself. Or else he is very lacking in social skills and doesn't care enough to try and improve. Either way it could be seen as lack of consideration for you. Perhaps that is why you are irritated by it. It may also be difficult for you to love someone whom you perceive as not being considerate of you.
Lets face it though, men are rather crude sometimes and do things that women find disgusting. My husband can't just sneeze once, he sneezes sometimes 10-15 times in a row. It makes me crazy but what can I do, get mad at him for sneezing? He could hold his nose shut and stop the sneezing but he never does even though I've asked. But, unlike you, I really know that I love my husband and can stand the annoying things, at least so far.
It sounds from your last posting that he doesn't want to give up on you. He is making plans that include you in the hopes that they will. Perhaps, since you may not have said anything lately, he is hoping that you have reconsidered the way you feel about him. Why not try a trial separation? Maybe when ending the relationship seems more real for you, you will have a better understanding of your feelings.
It may be hard and expensive to find another place to live and actually go through moving out, but it will be worth it for you to finally be true to yourself. Staying married for the kids isn't really a good reason because kids are very perceptive and can tell when things aren't right.
In your postings you sound as though sometimes you do care for your husband. How much have you done to communicate to him the things that bother you with his behavior and the idea that you feel you have nothing in common? Would it be worthwhile to try again if you have done this in the past? Is couples counseling an option? It could help.
What I've discovered in over 22 years of marraige to my husband is that you really have to know that you love him, he cares about you and is your best friend. I would never have made it this far otherwise. Some days I still feel ready to leave but then he comes through for me. Usually because I have found a way to verbalize to him what is causing my frustration.
Best wishes Shirley and let us know how things work out for you.
#11 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 27 September 2005 - 04:19 PM
Tuesday 27th September 16.35pm
Hi DC, Thanks for your message. Your ideas re why my husbands behaviour bothers me are interesting. And of course I can quite understand what you are saying. It may be that I see his omissions (or wrong doings) etc as a lack of consideration for my feelings. However, there is a whole lot more to it than the physical behavioural issues ie not using an hanky, not putting his hand up when he is coughing or sneezing, lifting his hands from the steering wheel ( even though its only for moments) etc etc etc.
There are other issues like me having to repeat the same thing over and over again and word it differently so he gets my point, when to me, its completely obvious!! For example, I have told him on lots of occasions over the years, that he should NOT nag our daughter when she is faddy with her food as this will only prolong the issue - she loves her dads attention you see, negative or otherwise. Can I get him to see it? No, of course not! That was untill our daughter told me that she LOVES DADDYS ATTENTION WHEN SHE IS BEING FADDY ETC!!! I said nothing. I knew I had been right all along but this proved it - I still have to keep reminding him to say nothing though and just quietly take her plate away!
Other issues include difficulties with Mother-in-Law. She nagged me on and off for 4 years to do something that clearly I was not going to do. I gave her my reasons why and she just ignored my reasons and never once considered my feelings. After 4 years of this nagging, I thought I had got throught to her and that she understood my position. But I was wrong - a week later she appeared at our house, un-announced with the airline tickets!!!!! I was livid but tried to be civil. I thanked her for inviting me along but the answer was still NO, just as it had been for 4 years!!! My husband said NOTHING! I was never expecting him to fall out with her. But a quick, "leave her alone mum, she doesnt want to do it" would have been greatly appreciated. Instead he said nothing. Meanwhile, I was having a go at Mother-in-Law 2 or 3 months ago and immediately he told me to leave her alone!!!
I have discovered since we got married that it is myself that wears the trousers in this house! Me that makes all the major decisions, me that deals with all the difficult situations, me that tries to bring order and control to the house and be an authority figure. Me that says NO to the kids and does not give in to them. But left alone with them, he would give in for a quiet life! I cannot get him to see why this is one of the worst things you can do - give in to a child for a quiet life. I have to keep a check on his attitude towards the kids as well! I tell him that he MUST NOT call the kids names as it will serionsly damage their confidence. He will not take my words on board till he hears someone in authority say the same thing! For example, Supernanny put him right on TV a couple of weeks ago!
Well, the list is endless really. You get the picture, I am sure. So I have this barrier up because I cannot trust anyone, also my irritation could also be because I feel he doesnt care about how I feel.
Yes, I know men can be crude, even disgusting and I am a great believer in the saying, "manners maketh man". My husband is actually quite good looking and young looking for his 54 years but he would be more attractive if he had great manners! At least you know you love your husband and can stand the irritating things. I feel I dont love mine and I cannot stand the annoying things, even though I know that no-one is perfect.
You are right - hubby doesnt want to give up on me. But in this position of me not loving him, I feel like I am "using him" for his home/money/car etc etc. You know what I mean. I dont know if he would consider a trial separation.
Yes, I do have feelings for hubby - I feel he is more of a brother than a lover, a lifelong partner. I simply do not have the feelings that a loving wife should have for her husband though - I know that. I know that I have never accepted him for who he is.
You mention counselling. I have been down that road before and may well try it again.
You mention your points after 22 years of marriage. 1) I am totally in doubt about my love for hubby. 2) He does care about me but 3) He is not my best friend. And his caring is not in the way I would have hoped for.
I had better stop. He will be home soon. I will put the kettle on for starters. He will be fine all night. If you were here you would see that things are "normal". But we will have to talk soon as he is unaware that I have seen that I have had a barrier up all throughout our marriage! Having said that - perhaps he likes to be at a distance as well?
Hi DC, Thanks for your message. Your ideas re why my husbands behaviour bothers me are interesting. And of course I can quite understand what you are saying. It may be that I see his omissions (or wrong doings) etc as a lack of consideration for my feelings. However, there is a whole lot more to it than the physical behavioural issues ie not using an hanky, not putting his hand up when he is coughing or sneezing, lifting his hands from the steering wheel ( even though its only for moments) etc etc etc.
There are other issues like me having to repeat the same thing over and over again and word it differently so he gets my point, when to me, its completely obvious!! For example, I have told him on lots of occasions over the years, that he should NOT nag our daughter when she is faddy with her food as this will only prolong the issue - she loves her dads attention you see, negative or otherwise. Can I get him to see it? No, of course not! That was untill our daughter told me that she LOVES DADDYS ATTENTION WHEN SHE IS BEING FADDY ETC!!! I said nothing. I knew I had been right all along but this proved it - I still have to keep reminding him to say nothing though and just quietly take her plate away!
Other issues include difficulties with Mother-in-Law. She nagged me on and off for 4 years to do something that clearly I was not going to do. I gave her my reasons why and she just ignored my reasons and never once considered my feelings. After 4 years of this nagging, I thought I had got throught to her and that she understood my position. But I was wrong - a week later she appeared at our house, un-announced with the airline tickets!!!!! I was livid but tried to be civil. I thanked her for inviting me along but the answer was still NO, just as it had been for 4 years!!! My husband said NOTHING! I was never expecting him to fall out with her. But a quick, "leave her alone mum, she doesnt want to do it" would have been greatly appreciated. Instead he said nothing. Meanwhile, I was having a go at Mother-in-Law 2 or 3 months ago and immediately he told me to leave her alone!!!
I have discovered since we got married that it is myself that wears the trousers in this house! Me that makes all the major decisions, me that deals with all the difficult situations, me that tries to bring order and control to the house and be an authority figure. Me that says NO to the kids and does not give in to them. But left alone with them, he would give in for a quiet life! I cannot get him to see why this is one of the worst things you can do - give in to a child for a quiet life. I have to keep a check on his attitude towards the kids as well! I tell him that he MUST NOT call the kids names as it will serionsly damage their confidence. He will not take my words on board till he hears someone in authority say the same thing! For example, Supernanny put him right on TV a couple of weeks ago!
Well, the list is endless really. You get the picture, I am sure. So I have this barrier up because I cannot trust anyone, also my irritation could also be because I feel he doesnt care about how I feel.
Yes, I know men can be crude, even disgusting and I am a great believer in the saying, "manners maketh man". My husband is actually quite good looking and young looking for his 54 years but he would be more attractive if he had great manners! At least you know you love your husband and can stand the irritating things. I feel I dont love mine and I cannot stand the annoying things, even though I know that no-one is perfect.
You are right - hubby doesnt want to give up on me. But in this position of me not loving him, I feel like I am "using him" for his home/money/car etc etc. You know what I mean. I dont know if he would consider a trial separation.
Yes, I do have feelings for hubby - I feel he is more of a brother than a lover, a lifelong partner. I simply do not have the feelings that a loving wife should have for her husband though - I know that. I know that I have never accepted him for who he is.
You mention counselling. I have been down that road before and may well try it again.
You mention your points after 22 years of marriage. 1) I am totally in doubt about my love for hubby. 2) He does care about me but 3) He is not my best friend. And his caring is not in the way I would have hoped for.
I had better stop. He will be home soon. I will put the kettle on for starters. He will be fine all night. If you were here you would see that things are "normal". But we will have to talk soon as he is unaware that I have seen that I have had a barrier up all throughout our marriage! Having said that - perhaps he likes to be at a distance as well?
#12 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 27 September 2005 - 04:21 PM
Hi DC, Sorry, I missed the end of the above post didnt I? If I remember what it was that I was going to say, I will get back on here, ok.
Thanks again for your post.
Take care.
Shirley.
Thanks again for your post.
Take care.
Shirley.
#13 Guest_DC_*
Posted 28 September 2005 - 02:27 PM
Hi Shirley,
It's obvious that you are unhappy and it isn't good to go for years being unhappy. Sounds also like the son is a product of the mother, she's pushy and he's passive and passive aggressive by ignoring your concerns.
Am sure you realize that people change only if they want to. He may decide he wants to change if he knows he will lose you otherwise. He should be made to realize his choice is simple: change or lose.
Its up to you to decide if you can stand continuing as you are or if you want to be happier. Once you've done that, you have to decide if you want to be with your husband if he can change. If you think you want him enough to give him a chance, tell him. Then procede to get the counseling necessary. Or, if you don't think he can change or don't want to give him a chance because you still won't feel any passion for the basic person he is, go ahead with what you need to do to be happier, start a new life.
Putting up a barrier, as you describe it, sounds like another name for the coping mechanism of suppression. You are suppressing your feelings and needs just to get by. Sooner or later it has to come out in some form. You can choose for it to be self-destructive or to use the energy to grow. I hope that you use the energy to be proactive and do the things you need to do to be happy.
Change is scary but the effort is really worth it if it leads to a happier life.
These are just my opinions based on the limited amount of info I've gotten about a 13 year situation from reading your postings. If they make any sense to you and help in some way, I'm glad. I've had some experience with changing my life to be happier and I can assure you that the effort has been worth it for me. Only you know what is best for you.
Take care and best wishes, D.
It's obvious that you are unhappy and it isn't good to go for years being unhappy. Sounds also like the son is a product of the mother, she's pushy and he's passive and passive aggressive by ignoring your concerns.
Am sure you realize that people change only if they want to. He may decide he wants to change if he knows he will lose you otherwise. He should be made to realize his choice is simple: change or lose.
Its up to you to decide if you can stand continuing as you are or if you want to be happier. Once you've done that, you have to decide if you want to be with your husband if he can change. If you think you want him enough to give him a chance, tell him. Then procede to get the counseling necessary. Or, if you don't think he can change or don't want to give him a chance because you still won't feel any passion for the basic person he is, go ahead with what you need to do to be happier, start a new life.
Putting up a barrier, as you describe it, sounds like another name for the coping mechanism of suppression. You are suppressing your feelings and needs just to get by. Sooner or later it has to come out in some form. You can choose for it to be self-destructive or to use the energy to grow. I hope that you use the energy to be proactive and do the things you need to do to be happy.
Change is scary but the effort is really worth it if it leads to a happier life.
These are just my opinions based on the limited amount of info I've gotten about a 13 year situation from reading your postings. If they make any sense to you and help in some way, I'm glad. I've had some experience with changing my life to be happier and I can assure you that the effort has been worth it for me. Only you know what is best for you.
Take care and best wishes, D.
#14 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 29 September 2005 - 09:18 PM
Thursday 29th September 22.05pm
Hi DC, Thanks for your message. Yes, MIL is pushy to say the least and he is passive aggressive. Not only does he ignore my concerns but at times he cuts me off and wont let me speak my mind - wont tolerate me being angry either - doesnt know how to cope with me. Even if I only ever so slightly raise my voice, he will say he is not arguing! It is a co-incidence that you see he is passive aggressive as I was in counselling earlier this year and my counsellor actually said he was passive aggressive too. I had just told her that my dad shouts and is a rage all the time but I was never allowed to be angry or shout. I said in some ways that it was like hubby. He wont allow me to be angry or shout etc etc etc either. Only hubby doesnt scream and shout all the time. Thats when my counsellor said that dad is aggressive and hubb yis passive aggressive!
Yes, I know that people will only change if they want to. Its like stopping smoking - they will only do that if they want to. Its got to be their decision for them. I am inclined to think that hubby will not change.
It all takes some thinking about. As you say, even if hubby could change, would I still want to
Hi DC, Thanks for your message. Yes, MIL is pushy to say the least and he is passive aggressive. Not only does he ignore my concerns but at times he cuts me off and wont let me speak my mind - wont tolerate me being angry either - doesnt know how to cope with me. Even if I only ever so slightly raise my voice, he will say he is not arguing! It is a co-incidence that you see he is passive aggressive as I was in counselling earlier this year and my counsellor actually said he was passive aggressive too. I had just told her that my dad shouts and is a rage all the time but I was never allowed to be angry or shout. I said in some ways that it was like hubby. He wont allow me to be angry or shout etc etc etc either. Only hubby doesnt scream and shout all the time. Thats when my counsellor said that dad is aggressive and hubb yis passive aggressive!
Yes, I know that people will only change if they want to. Its like stopping smoking - they will only do that if they want to. Its got to be their decision for them. I am inclined to think that hubby will not change.
It all takes some thinking about. As you say, even if hubby could change, would I still want to
#15 Guest_Guest_Basil_*
Posted 29 September 2005 - 09:30 PM
Continued from previous post.......
stay with him? I dont know. If he could change, he would still be who he is NOW and not the man he was when we got married. It is very difficult, especially with 2 kids and little or no family living nr by.
I had not thought of my barrier being another name for the coping mechanism of suppression. I suppose, when I think about it, I am suppressing my needs and feelings to get by. I suppose I have been doing it so long that I had not thought anything of it. So to put it another way, suppressing my feelings/needs is another way of holding him at arms length - is that what you are saying? What ways could it come out? I know that I have been comfort eating a lot lately. Am I doing that to suppress my feelings as well? As I dont want the bad feellings to rise to the surface..... Just a thought.
Yes, change is scary, very scary and it needs a huge step away from your comfort zone to do something about it. Yes, your opinions do make sense and I appreciate you having taken the time to share them with me.
Thanks again.
Take Care.
Shirley
stay with him? I dont know. If he could change, he would still be who he is NOW and not the man he was when we got married. It is very difficult, especially with 2 kids and little or no family living nr by.
I had not thought of my barrier being another name for the coping mechanism of suppression. I suppose, when I think about it, I am suppressing my needs and feelings to get by. I suppose I have been doing it so long that I had not thought anything of it. So to put it another way, suppressing my feelings/needs is another way of holding him at arms length - is that what you are saying? What ways could it come out? I know that I have been comfort eating a lot lately. Am I doing that to suppress my feelings as well? As I dont want the bad feellings to rise to the surface..... Just a thought.
Yes, change is scary, very scary and it needs a huge step away from your comfort zone to do something about it. Yes, your opinions do make sense and I appreciate you having taken the time to share them with me.
Thanks again.
Take Care.
Shirley
