[Nemi]

Hello, Mr. Fry,

I'm really glad that you offer free advice, as that's what I really need right now. Advice on what? Really, I'm not too sure of that myself. All I know is that I need some form of guidance or help.

I discovered your site when doing a google search for "online depression counseling". After feeling a down triggered by something so silly as my boyfriend not saying "Love you, Nite", I sat thinking and feeling this incredible sadness. I asked myself why I was sad and came up answerless. This is a normal thing for me. I go from happy to sad in an instant and I've even become sad because I've been happy. That's only happened once though.

A little about myself before I continue though. I an eighteen year old female and live with my parents after recently being turned out of my sister's apartment after a rather... intense fight. I am currently waiting to start a job at the County Fair (that will be this Friday) and I'm going to start community college this fall after taking a year off after high school. I am in a long-distance relationship with someone I met initially online, but after a year of talking to him on the phone, we met in person and decided to "date" so to speak. He recently turned seventeen and is still in high school.

As I said, I really don't know where to begin in order to get the advice I need and I should probably seek professional counseling, but I really can't afford that at the moment. Heh.

One thing I recognize is that I shouldn't feel sad. I have nothing to feel sad about. I have a roof over my head, I have food, I have clothing, and I have material comforts. My parents don't really support me much after that though. They're getting better though. They said if finances improve, they'll be able to help me pay for school and care insurance and the like. I don't get much emotional support from them though. Today was the first time I've gotten a hug in weeks when my friend came to visit me. I don't get to see my friends often either since I don't drive and there isn't any public transportation in the newly developed areas out here. I admit, I am very lonely and being in the long-distance relationship doesn't help much, but I've already determined that it will be worth it when we can finally be together so I must endure this for now. =)

Up until this moment, I've recognized I need some kind of help, but I never took the actions to aquire it. I merely existed and said that these feelings will go away eventually. However, I want them gone now. My boyfriend is a newly diagnosed insomniac and unofficially diagnosed with clinical depression. I figure, our relationship is doomed if we're both sad like that, so I've decided I need to get better for his sake and mine as well. He'll need my support and I can't very well give it to him if I'm crying in the corner needing his support and he can't give me his support if it pains him...

Please excuse me if I'm babbling. I tend to go off on tangents. It's hard to help though. There's much to tell.

Another thing... I find this very, very sad, but here I am at eighteen, already having trouble seeing a point to all of this. My boyfriend and I almost separated last weekend. Through all that, I had this incredible strength that allowed me to be calm. I was told it was because my fear of losing him lent that to me. We persevered though and we're still together. If I would have lost him, I would have lost the light that guided me. I know, I should be my own guiding light, but right now it's very very hard to go on on my own. I need support, a crutch. I realize I shouldn't be so dependant, but I can't help it. I like feeling like someone will catch me if I fall. Seriously though, if I didn't have my light anymore, I would have become an empty shell for a while. I would never ever commit suicide or anything stupid such as that.... I would just... exist; exist and not care anymore.

Strangely, I'm also constantly worried that my boyfriend will lose patience with me. I'm extremely high maintenance due to my ups and downs and I hardly take care of myself (i.e. I have strange sleeping and eating patterns. Going to bed at 6 am to sleep the day away... to wake up at around 4 or 5 pm. Only eating once a day.. or only having a small snack to sustain me...). Corey (my boyfriend) advises me to sleep or to eat. I'll listen to him when he tells me to eat, but when he says for me not to stay up too late, I never listen and he's constantly disappointed. He's worried for my health and I can't break away from the habit of my irregular sleeping patterns.

I really have babbled. I've gone all over the place in this post, yet I still feel as though I haven't said enough. I'll stop here for now. Feel free to ask me anything in order to gain clarification should you need it.

Thank you for reading, Mr. Fry.

Nemi

[Benjamin Fry]

Thank you for your eloquent post. Itís not an easy business being eighteen and yet you seem to approach your troubles with a real quality of inelegance, dignity and insight. Many donít. They just get wasted and blank it all out. This difference between yourself and many others your age may be another reason why you have become isolated and therefore depend so much on your boyfriend. However it does have its compensations. By the time youíre 28, youíll be a master of your own mind, while your peers are just beginning to crack up (as happened to me).

There is one point that I usually repeat in my replies and it is about the role of trauma in messing about with your emotions. That doesnít mean that you have to have been in a terrible drama or accident, rather that you, like all animals, will respond in a certain way to very strong emotional responses. When you were very young, strong emotions would have been entirely normal (as you can observe in a crying baby) so you can see how if these strong emotions became too much, the baby (or child or teenager) would benefit from a safety valve. This is the role of trauma. It freezes your feelings so that you can get through the situation immediately at hand. Then later, it tries to let them go again. Perhaps much, much later.

This is where human beings stumble. We usually resist this release of trauma because we donít understand it. Almost by definition trauma creates a discontinuity between the original event and the much later resolved emotion. Therefore we donít know why we are feeling this way as trauma is thawing. As you have noted, emotions that donít make sense to us can lead to a great deal of angst. Usually they concern us so much that we try to prevent them. This just perpetuates the trauma and can leave us very flat, sad or depressed (which is a state of preventing emotion).

You also need to note that it is when we become more safe that trauma begins to attempt to resolve itself. This is because the trauma itself was originated precisely because it was not safe to experience that emotion at the time. Therefore it waits, like a pedestrian at the side of a busy road, for an opportunity when it would be safe to emerge.

Your relationship with your boyfriend may be giving you the kind of nurturing that you lacked as a child. This could be making you feel very safe. Therefore you may be experiencing the flowing out (e-motion) of your frozen feelings. Ironically this now makes you feel worse. But donít worry. The only way to deal with this is to embrace these emotions, not to judge them, and to let them flow through you as best you can. Then you will get past them and onto new challenges.

it is also interesting to note that as a child matures into teenage life, it becomes physically able to look after itself. Therefore it becomes much more safe. This safely give trauma a great opportunity to exhume all the buried emotions that the many humiliations of childhood can bring. That (perhaps) is why teenagers are so assaulted from within by their feelings. And why adults say that they donít make sense!

Therefore, Iíd like you to retract your statement that ìyou shouldnít feel sadî. You do feel as you do feel and you should be allowed to be yourself. These sad feelings are probably something you should let yourself experience more viscerally. Then they would be more likely to pass more quickly.

You may find that once you become more friendly to your own emotions that life begins to open up a bit more for you. You may find the energy and inclination to get out more and meet more people. You should find that the ìpointî begins to materialise a bit. And daylight, food and other oddities like them may begin to have more of their traditional appeal.

You clearly have the sensitivity and the intelligence to become very adept and aware of yourself. Try therefore to start with an acceptance of who you are, what you are like and how you feel. From there you can begin to see if you can allow your feelings to flow more freely and see what changes that might bring to your life.

Therapy, exercise, meditation, yoga or just reading are just some great ways to help you to achieve these ideas, but if you donít feel ready for any of that yet or lack the resources to do it, just take heart in the following: you are perfect just as you are; you have many years ahead of you to find the answers you seek; you have the attributes to be a very capable and successful ìseekerî; and at eighteen you are already well ahead of the game.

[Nemi]

Thank you very much for your quick reply and your advice. I will try my best to persevere. =)