[Jacquelyn]

I just don't know what's wrong with me,I feel so screwed up.My problems started in childhood with OCD types of behaviour, especially hand washing and phobias.I was always a sensitive child and I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere.Unfortunately,I still feel this way at the age of 26.I have seen psychiatrists on and off since the age of 15 and have been diagnosed with Depression.However,I have tried every anti-depressant under the sun and nothing has worked for me.I have never been able to hold down a job,the only period of relative "normality" I had was between the ages of 16 and 17 when I was at college.These days I am a compete mess! I've attempted suicide twice and I self-harm by taking mini overdoses,punching myself and sometimes cutting.I feel so lost in this world,no one understands me,I can't relate to anyone.My problems with OCD are still there,I shower for over an hour every day and I have now developed an alcohol problem too.I know I am killing myself but I don't care,I want to die.I've also had all kinds of eating disorders from Bulimia to borderline Anorexia to Compulsive over-eating.I still can't eat normally and my weight fluctuates all the time.I think I drink so much because I am so bored all the time.I feel like I have been bored all of my life,normal things just don't seem exciting enough to me and I always end up doing stupid risky things.I have never been able to have a normal relationship with anyone and have been completely and utterly obsessed with the same guy for over nine years.I am not a medical expert or anything but I really don't think I have a straight forward case of Depression.Please help me.

[Jacquelyn]

I should also have added to this that I have problems with controlling my anger.I'll sometimes blow up in a huge rage without any warning.I don't know when it's going to happen - it usually surprises me as much as it does the people around me.I don't usually hurt people,I mostly smash things up or hurt myself but I'm scared this could change and I might end up hurting someone I care about.I feel so worthless and out of control,but underneath it all I just feel completely and utterly empty.

[Benjamin Fry]

Iím sorry to hear about what a difficult life you have been having emotionally. It seems likely that you have internalised a great deal of anger at some point in your early life. These feelings have been frozen into your system by trauma and you have hung onto them ever since. In order to keep them repressed, you have to keep everything repressed. This results in depression and a lack of connection or excitement with anything. Then to relieve the boredom and nihilism that this creates you need risk and alcohol to feel anything at all.

You need to discover where this anger comes from. Feelings that overwhelm someone as much as you describe often stem from early childhood. How was yours? The more you can understand by remembering or learning about it from others the better. You will need to get some help to let these feelings out and to feel safer with them. There is a technique in therapy called Gestalt therapy which allows you to practice being angry in a controlled environment. Perhaps you could see if that is available for you.

In general you might like to consider a time of concentrated residential therapy. This can be done in many facilities in the UK and the USA and are often mainly set up for treating addictions. However they can be expensive.