[marina]

Well I must say my self-help and psychotherapy is coming on very well since I have had the net at home. It really has some amazing resources, this site being one of them!

Over the last six months I have had the time to think about a number of events in my life and have really been overwhelmed with emotions at times (as stated in previous posts). Initially and for some years I seem to have been stuck in anger. It seemed endless and has taken a good two years for me to really deal with (if not longer). Now I seem to experience a great deal of sadness and also remorse. So many things seem to trigger this which ends up in tears. This can be television programs or things read on various sites. I know a lot of people would say this is depression, but I dont feel it is as I am quite happy most of the time. Its just that I am committed to dealing with the past and this means dragging up buried emotions. And what is the point in holding on to pain.

The latest issues I have been dealing with is my drug addiction and its severe consequences on my mental health. It is only natural that now I can accept my faulty way of dealing with life that I feel some sadness. I guess it wasnt my fault as I really did want to change a lot of the time, but I was very lost. I have not touched drugs for 8 years now due to hospitalisation with psychosis 8 years ago. I realise how much the drugs affected my thinking and wonder why I chose to make myself ill like that. For 7 years I smoked cannabis daily and a lot of people feel this is a mild drug, but I suffered with symptoms identical to paranoid schizophrenia. This included completely psychotic symptoms, delusional thinking and hallucinations. My first psychotic episode was at the age of 18 and I was finally hospitalised at the age of 22, after a whole year of completely distorted thinking. I didnt believe that this had been caused by cannabis to start with, but soon realised I could no longer smoke it. I then sank into a depression for a year. I had lost my defence mechanism. I have been well for 7 years now, but have had a number of issues to deal with. Some which I have talked about on here. I am now having to challenge my own thoughts and beliefs which are still somewhat distorted. One of the frightening things looking back was my lack of sense of self. I didnt know who I was. My personality was submerged beneath a haze of drugs. I have a much stronger sense of identity now especially as I am a Mother and can also relate to other people which during my illness I could not. I spent hours locked in my own bedroom stoned. Distorting the reality of my life. I just couldnt accept that the safety and security of my home life had been ripped away from me - by the people I loved and who were supposed to provide that security for me. What happened to the happy childhood I once had? I am so glad that now I am older and can provide security for myself. I own my own home which is my sanctuary. I am no longer living as part of a dysfunctional family. I still feel a little isolated, but this gives me the space to connect to my emotions and accept them. I also cant wallow too long as I have a young child to look after, which is good.

I guess I have come a long way already as some people never recover from mental illness and rejoin reality (some people dont want to). So now I am accepting first of all that I was mentally ill (as I was in denial at the time) and I should feel grateful that I am now better.

I am posting this on here as I feel unable to talk to people in my life about this. Mainly due to the stigma of mental illness because I dont want to be laughed at or looked at differently. It is such a joke in society....the men in white coats are coming to get you..etc and I am probably just as guilty of laughing at these things -I guess it helps sometimes. But mental illness is very frightening and isolating especially the form I suffered with paranoia, where I thought my Mum was trying to kill me and I lost all my friends because I just couldnt relate to them anymore. The stress this placed on the family was terrible. Although ironically it was family stress that caused this illness. Quite possibly if my parents hadnt divorced when I was 13, I wouldnt of reacted the way I did and I wouldnt of been robbed of 10 years of my health and happiness. But I guess I should forgive them although that is not easy.

[Benjamin Fry]

Your progress seems to be excellent. Iím really glad that you are able to work with your feelings so successfully.

Mental illness is terrifying. That is why people make jokes about it. We are so much used to controlling our lives and environment with our minds. The idea of not having that mind anymore is as close to living with the inevitability of death as we can get. A malfunctioning mind is unlikely to survive in the jungle environment that we evolved from. Therefore the mind is key. It is our great evolutionary tool.

It is really hard to reconcile with the mental harm that othersí actions can have caused. Blame is a huge issue in both our culture and in the area of therapy. I struggle with it greatly myself. The best remedy that I have come up with is to recognise that the father dynamic is really a projection of our relationship with fate (or god if you like) and the mother dynamic is really a projection of our relationship with nature. If you feel connected with some higher power and with the nurturing of the earth, often the failings of your parents can seem to be a smaller issue. Actually they are just two other freaked our humans failing to cope ñ just like us!

Try visiting a church and then taking a long walk in nature, even if you believe in neither. Then see how you feel about your parents. It can be an eye opener.

[marina]

Yes, it is difficult not to blame really, but I do recognise that my parents were dealing with problems beyond their control. They did do a lot of positive things for me and I do try and draw upon those experiences and memories. But this 'sickness' affected all of our family. My Dad commited suicide, my mother started drinking and my brother and I took drugs and distrorted our reality. I guess we were all sick in our own way and all 'victims' to an extent. So blame isnt the answer but forgiveness is.

I took my son on a hike today as we live in the countryside and I have found this to be a sanctuary for me. Tomorrow he is attending a remeberence day parade so I guess that's as close as I'll get to a church.

Thanks again for your support.

[marina]

Just an update......

Well church was interesting. I keep well away from church and haven't attended since my Grandma's funeral 3 years ago. I hadn't intended to go in as I thought we were just supporting the parade as part of the scout group. Instead, I ended up attending the service and within 5 minutes I was in tears, in a completely packed hall. Church itself and the hymns stirred up a lot of emotion - we used to go to services 3 times every Sunday until I was 14. Most of my feelings were about loss, not surprising as it was Rememberence Sunday. I was thinking about my Dad and also my Grandad who has not yet passed. He is a devout Christian and a very kind, although strict man. I will miss him very much when he dies. I am trying to pluck up the courage to go to Church again, but missed the advent service but might find something over Christmas. I found it very healing and it is inspirational to be amongst people with such strong beliefs. I guess it would be nice to believe in God, because then, all my suffering hasn't been alone. When I have been sad, God has been there etc...and isn't it the Christian belief that God has the power to heal? Perhaps it is worth a try.

Also I have also found the courage to speak to my Doctor about my 'depression' although it is very mild and not anywhere near the depresssive illness I suffered with when I was younger. He felt medication was not appropriate at the present but has referred me to a mental health unit. I hope I have the courage to speak to them and not feel they mean me harm, as paranoia was a feature of the illness I had when I was younger. I have also made an appointment with a therapist who is not NHS which I am paying for. I am still thinking I may be being morbid digging up the past but I guess I want things settled finally within myself. She has also worked with Cruise bereavement for a number of years so she may be the right person to help me.

Relationship wise, I have not met anyone recently, but my 'ex' has contacted me on several occassions in the hopes of a casual encounter, but I now have the self-esteem to say no. I am now stronger and can clearly see that he is not right for me and am therefore steering clear. Its quite empowering really as he has been quite rejecting towards me in the past.

[Benjamin Fry]

Good for you. These sound like terrific steps forward. Ultimately therapy is merely just a sub-set of the spiritual journey that mankind has been occasionally embarking on since the dawn of time. It is inevitable that it will lead to questions of higher issues. These can sometimes find answers in religion or sometimes in other more individual ways. The key is to be open to what emerges from within. A spiritual experience is a personal one and does not belong to any church. It belongs to you.

Hopefully you can see how developing these areas of yourself and supporting them with the courage to ask for help from others is automatically changing how functional your behaviour is in other areas where you used to behave in ways that you were unhappy about.

[marina]

The session with the counsellor was good and I was able to talk about things that happened during the age of 11 - 13. It was good to hear from someone else that the events that happened weren't my fault and that the adults in my life were acting irresponsibly and I had no emotional support from those adults either. My life changed dramatically at that time and I needed to grieve for a number of things. Talking about those events which were just the beginning of my troubles left me feeling physically ill. I had pain around my lungs and also had flu like symptoms, I had pain around the solar plexus and also on the back of my head. These symptoms vanished by morning...although returned the following day as I thought over these events from a different perspective. This is evidence that these events/memories still affect me deeply. I think the main lesson I have learnt is that I had no control over these things and I am forgiving myself as I was not to blame.

I am also starting to find out about Adult children of alcoholic parents. I am realising that my Mother's drinking has affected me as much if not more than my Father's death and will also look at my behaviour in response to hers. This still affects the way I see myself today and I am looking forward to unravelling the role that I took (and still take as she is still drinking) in response to her drinking and find my true self underneath.

[Benjamin Fry]

Your physical symptoms suggest the grip that you trauma from these events has had on you since them. I always like to talk about the mind-body system rather than just the mind, since it seems to me that when events are not processed completely in the mind they lodge in the body. It is there then that they start to be felt when finally they are unearthed. The lungs suggest that you were so frightened at some point that you were literally just holding your breath waiting to see what would happen next. The solar plexus is an area of the body associated with security and personal power. People often criticise therapy as ìdigging up the pastî. Hopefully this example shows how clearly it is really about releasing the past from the present. These feelings were in your body. You are now moving them out (e-motion). Well done.