Dear Benjamin
Over the last year I have become increasingly and irrationally terrified of death - and am driving myself nuts with constantly wondering what if? A year ago a good friend of mine died totally unexpectedly whilst on holiday abroad, she was on her own and was just found dead in her room. She was 52. At the time I was on holiday myself and had a long flight home which was spent in sheer and utter panic. I spent all of it being terrified that I might die, that my husband might die .. anyone. I knew I was being irrational but couldn't quell the feelings.
It seems since then that I am like a sponge, homing in on and soaking any stories of people dying unexpectedly, at an early age (I am 44 and in good health!), getting panic attacks in the middle of the night and being unable to sleep because I am too afraid to close my eyes. I look at my husband (he's 63) and worry.
Balance this with a busy career, a really bright happy outgoing personality (on the outside), energy - good husband, great son and no reason to expect anything other than the normal life pattern.
I read articles about women dying of cancer - think its me next. Watch TV programmes and immediately think I'm next in queue for whatever. We are going on holiday in November and I'm petrified. I am afraid to go because I might not go back. My son is now at University and I'm worried silly about him - driving home up the motorway, having an accident - you name it and I've cornered the market in morbid fears.
Writing this I can see that I'm being silly, that I have no basis for this fear, but to me it is real. I consider myself to be an intelligent woman - but recognise that this is starting to blight my life and stop me enjoying the here and now.
How can I break free of this?
Thanks you for listeneing.
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'silly' morbid fears
#2 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 13 October 2004 - 02:36 PM
I'm sure people have told you before that dwelling on something helps keep it in your life. Everytime you think fearful thoughts you are affirming that you want your life to be full of fear (and perhaps full of death). There is a sense in fearing things we might be able to have control over eventually, but not dying. There is so much more to life and death than our little human understanding of it. It is not to be feared. Someone once said to me "You've been there before, haven't you?" From this point of view I began to understand that 'not being alive' was the more normal state than the very misleading 'being alive' bit. You are right, it is silly to fear death, but you are not silly to have this fear. Just recognise that fear is not in itself a power - you give it power by being frightened of it. Please don't spend your little 'alive bit' worrying about the 'not being alive' bit!
#3
Benjamin Fry 
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Posted 14 October 2004 - 11:21 AM
The unexpected death of a good friend can be a big shock. How did you deal with this? If you were unable to fully go through the grieving process then parts of your emotional responses that got ìlostî may now be trying to get attention unconsciously through this obsession. Additionally I wonder if the lady was in any way similar to yourself. You may have made an unconscious investment in identifying yourself with her (perhaps as a role model) and her death therefore may have been almost psychically like the death of yourself, which would be very confusing since you are of course not dead.
There is also the objective reality that we all like to avoid death, but then one day realise that it is inevitable. This can also be a big shock. If there have been deaths in your past that were not well dealt with, then there might be an investment in denying death. Therefore confronting death may trigger lost feelings from the past. These might again be repressed, but struggle for exposure through these other thoughts.
What part has death played in your life in the past? How did you cope? How do you imagine that you would cope with the death of your husband (which is statistically something that you are likely to have to experience)? This may have been something that you have tried to avoid thinking about but now must do so.
Generally it is likely that you have some feelings of grief that must be unearthed. Then you will probably automatically stop being so conscious of the death issue, once this emotional weight behind it is lifted.
There is also the objective reality that we all like to avoid death, but then one day realise that it is inevitable. This can also be a big shock. If there have been deaths in your past that were not well dealt with, then there might be an investment in denying death. Therefore confronting death may trigger lost feelings from the past. These might again be repressed, but struggle for exposure through these other thoughts.
What part has death played in your life in the past? How did you cope? How do you imagine that you would cope with the death of your husband (which is statistically something that you are likely to have to experience)? This may have been something that you have tried to avoid thinking about but now must do so.
Generally it is likely that you have some feelings of grief that must be unearthed. Then you will probably automatically stop being so conscious of the death issue, once this emotional weight behind it is lifted.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#4
4350fish
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Posted 14 October 2004 - 03:42 PM
benjaminfry, on Oct 14 2004, 12:21 PM, said:
The unexpected death of a good friend can be a big shock. How did you deal with this? If you were unable to fully go through the grieving process then parts of your emotional responses that got ìlostî may now be trying to get attention unconsciously through this obsession. Additionally I wonder if the lady was in any way similar to yourself. You may have made an unconscious investment in identifying yourself with her (perhaps as a role model) and her death therefore may have been almost psychically like the death of yourself, which would be very confusing since you are of course not dead.
There is also the objective reality that we all like to avoid death, but then one day realise that it is inevitable. This can also be a big shock. If there have been deaths in your past that were not well dealt with, then there might be an investment in denying death. Therefore confronting death may trigger lost feelings from the past. These might again be repressed, but struggle for exposure through these other thoughts.
What part has death played in your life in the past? How did you cope? How do you imagine that you would cope with the death of your husband (which is statistically something that you are likely to have to experience)? This may have been something that you have tried to avoid thinking about but now must do so.
Generally it is likely that you have some feelings of grief that must be unearthed. Then you will probably automatically stop being so conscious of the death issue, once this emotional weight behind it is lifted.
There is also the objective reality that we all like to avoid death, but then one day realise that it is inevitable. This can also be a big shock. If there have been deaths in your past that were not well dealt with, then there might be an investment in denying death. Therefore confronting death may trigger lost feelings from the past. These might again be repressed, but struggle for exposure through these other thoughts.
What part has death played in your life in the past? How did you cope? How do you imagine that you would cope with the death of your husband (which is statistically something that you are likely to have to experience)? This may have been something that you have tried to avoid thinking about but now must do so.
Generally it is likely that you have some feelings of grief that must be unearthed. Then you will probably automatically stop being so conscious of the death issue, once this emotional weight behind it is lifted.
Dear Benjamin
What you say strikes a chord in so far as I found it very hard to accept that my friend died so suddenly, and seemingly in good health. We did share a lot of common traits, and although we were unalike physically we were a like in personality.
In my life death has come in multiples - my grandmother died, 3 months later my father dropped dead in front of me, and 2 months after that my aunt killed herself. The combination of all that brought about a big life change as we sold up where we were living and moved to another part of the UK and a new life. I felt I dealt with it all ok, my role was to support my mother through it as it was all on her side of the family - and of course the suicide is something you never really can understand. An ex-boyfriend died of cancer at the age of 36, that floored me for a while but I don't feel it affected me long term.
When it comes to thinking of my husband's death I have, and I think I will cope on a practical level (we have a business together - the need to go on etc), but emotionally I don't know - I try hard sometimes to detach myself from him as if by so doing I don't have to face the pain. I don't like myself for it, and wish I could find some way of enjoying the moment and not worry about what I can't influence. In the past we had some problems and I feel we squandered what now seems precious time.
Maybe I blocked a lot off last year when my friend died, I can't understand it, and perhaps you are right, it lies there somewhere.
Just what do I do about it?
#5
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 14 October 2004 - 04:29 PM
What you describe is the perfect set up for your obsession.
Consider it in chronological order. The death of a grandmother, your father in front of you (presumably at a young age?) and then after that even more death would be a great way to set up in you the conviction that death begets death. So when your friend died, not only was it personally a loss, but it also perhaps triggered this conviction that more death was not far behind. This would then feed into a pre-existing concern about the likelihood of one day losing your husband.
However I think that underlying this more obvious logical connection is an emotional problem. You describe yourself during the death of your own father in front of your eyes as dealing with it ok and say that your role was to support your mother. I know what you mean, but Iím afraid I disagree. Your role was to mourn your father (and grandmother and aunt depending on the relationship). The death of a parent is a monumental psychological event. It needs time, space, care and suffering. You perhaps avoided that by supporting your mother. However the emotions donít go away. They just lie waiting for an opportunity to emerge. The death of your friend was just such an opportunity, triggering a connection with these feelings. Repressing these feelings again has led to the unusual thoughts that you have experienced. It is like the cat is half out of the bag. It wonít go back in, but it wonít fully reveal itself. Hence the confusion.
Iíd recommend that you look for some grief counselling. There are quite specific stages of grief and learning something about it may also help you. I suspect that you need to go back to some lost feelings about your father and his passing away. Then you may find an easier connection to the loss of your friend, and finally relax a little about the potential loss of your husband, which will make living in the ìnowî with him much easier.
Consider it in chronological order. The death of a grandmother, your father in front of you (presumably at a young age?) and then after that even more death would be a great way to set up in you the conviction that death begets death. So when your friend died, not only was it personally a loss, but it also perhaps triggered this conviction that more death was not far behind. This would then feed into a pre-existing concern about the likelihood of one day losing your husband.
However I think that underlying this more obvious logical connection is an emotional problem. You describe yourself during the death of your own father in front of your eyes as dealing with it ok and say that your role was to support your mother. I know what you mean, but Iím afraid I disagree. Your role was to mourn your father (and grandmother and aunt depending on the relationship). The death of a parent is a monumental psychological event. It needs time, space, care and suffering. You perhaps avoided that by supporting your mother. However the emotions donít go away. They just lie waiting for an opportunity to emerge. The death of your friend was just such an opportunity, triggering a connection with these feelings. Repressing these feelings again has led to the unusual thoughts that you have experienced. It is like the cat is half out of the bag. It wonít go back in, but it wonít fully reveal itself. Hence the confusion.
Iíd recommend that you look for some grief counselling. There are quite specific stages of grief and learning something about it may also help you. I suspect that you need to go back to some lost feelings about your father and his passing away. Then you may find an easier connection to the loss of your friend, and finally relax a little about the potential loss of your husband, which will make living in the ìnowî with him much easier.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#6
4350fish
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Posted 14 October 2004 - 05:00 PM
Dear Benjamin
Thank you for your insight. What you say makes sense, I'm thinking that in an effort to be the support I've probably submerged those feelings of grief - because I can't say I ever really went through grief, I avoided it by being busy as the family support mechanism.
The logic of what you are saying is appealing, it seems that I have a problem that is not beyond help and has causes for which I don't have to look too far (I am too busy being scared to look).
I need to work this out, and I need help to do it. This has helped enormously being able to give vent to this private hell. Thanks. Now I've got to find that counselling.
Thank you for your insight. What you say makes sense, I'm thinking that in an effort to be the support I've probably submerged those feelings of grief - because I can't say I ever really went through grief, I avoided it by being busy as the family support mechanism.
The logic of what you are saying is appealing, it seems that I have a problem that is not beyond help and has causes for which I don't have to look too far (I am too busy being scared to look).
I need to work this out, and I need help to do it. This has helped enormously being able to give vent to this private hell. Thanks. Now I've got to find that counselling.
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