[Ian]

Hello Benjamin

Many thanks for sending your book to me. I enjoyed it immensely, you seem to have a real talent for writing. I found it easy to read, it flowed nicely and you articulated you steps very well. However that is not to say that I didn't have trouble understanding you steps. As a recovering alcoholic I aware that "steps" don't always make sense at first (aka the 12-step program) and that it is wise to let them flow over you for awhile, they do become more clear with time. Therefore I have started to read you book for a second time and perhaps it may need a third reading.

In the meantime, perhaps you can help me understand how I can best apply your steps to my circumstances. For instance, you talk a lot about trauma, but what is trauma? I know what the dictionary says but I have yet to identify a childhood trauma that is potentially affecting me today. I know I have insecurity problems and I feel rejection regularly but I cannot seems to identify where these come from let alone start to release trauma.

An example. I have recently found someone to share my life with. This is a wonderful person whom I have grown to love very quickly. We get on very well, have a lot of respect for each other and have many things in common. It is posible the most perfect relationship I have ever had. However, the simplest and most trivial of things can make me feel rejected. For instance, everyday I send a txt to her as soon as I awake. I also send her a brief email when I get into work. Most of the time I will send her an email in the afternoon too (we do not live together). However, generally she does not initiate these communications, I do. If I do not txt or email, we don't communicate. For some reason she does not send me a txt or email I have not initiated this contact. It makes me feel a little rejected and I do not understand why. When we are together or on the phone she makes it very clear how much I mean to her and how much she loves me. This is not an issue about her motives. But nevertheless I still feel rejected that I always have to initiate contact when we are not together, it does make me feel like I love her more than she loves me???. This has been a pattern in my life that has caused much distress. I belive is relates, to a lesser or greater extend, to my history of drinking. And my cause of action is always the same. I ingore them for a while. If I do not get the desired response (i.e a txt or email), I get angry and resentful. I have briefly discussed this with her and asked why she does not txt or email if I do not. There is no real explaination (and why would there be?) she just say sorry and will try to next time. But it never happens.

I realise there is no reason to feel rejected, she is not rejecting me in anyway. It is not "her" fault that I fee this way, it is of my own doing, but why? Is it that I have been made to feel rejected as a child? If so, do not all children feel rejected at some point? Children cannot always be given the attention they require exactly when they require it! Have I been made to feel insecure as a child? If, so do not all children feel in secure at some point?

Incidentally, this does not just occur with girlfriends. I can inflict these emotions on family, friends and even work colleagues.

This is an example of one aspect of my life that I have identified as very negative and needs resolution. Perhaps you can help me understand?

Regards
Ian

[Benjamin Fry]

Thereís one thing that you are doing very well here. You have separated out what comes from you and what comes from her. You are clear that there is nothing objectively extraordinary in her behaviour, and yet you identify that your reaction to her is very strong. This separation of understanding is crucial to healthy relationships and it augers well for your on-going development.

So you recognise that if these feelings are not a response to your current stimulus then logically you must accept that the cause for the effect of this insecurity must come from somewhere else. Trauma is possibly best described as what the mind-body does to itself that results in the loss of this connection. Trauma shuts off the emotional response, but not forever. These lost emotions are being reignited in the present by the catalyst of your girlfriends (relative) inattention.

So the question is what was the original trauma that resulted in these terribly rejected feelings? It seems obvious to suggest that you were in some way rejected as a child. Iím further convinced of this because you attempt to argue against this being in any way emotionally significant. The feelings which you need to release are the feelings which you are most keen on avoiding. What you are suggesting is that all children are rejected at some point or other, therefore your own rejection must not be significant. I think we can see from the above analysis of the feelings which you now own that it is clear that you must have suffered significant feelings of rejection at some point. (This doesnít even necessarily mean that you were rejected ñ just that you felt rejected).

The more we suffer with these issues, the more it suggests that they started earlier rather than later in our childhoods. It is possible that you were rejected as a baby and both canít remember it and were never told about it. Your mother may have suffered from post-natal depression and not held you as a baby would have needed. She may never have disclosed this. Whatever the cause, the belated effect clearly spreads across all your human interactions. Again this suggests an early psychological injury.

You need to start to come up with some memories and examples from your early life of times when you felt this terrible sense of rejection and insecurity. Write down what happened and how you felt. Then test if those feelings are the same ones that you feel today. If you want to bring some examples here then perhaps we can try to see if there is a theme emerging which could shed some light on what your original experiences were. In the end though, it is the feelings which need to be allowed to emerge. As long as that happens it doesnít matter ìwhyî, but often discussing why can be an excellent bridge to connecting again with those feelings.

If you re-read the book, it may help you to reorient your conscious mind to being less afraid of these feelings. If you focus just on the theory it can help you to understand that there is nothing to fear from noticing and feeling your feelings. You already seem to show the benefit of it in separating your strong feelings from the mild catalyst of your relationship issues. That is the real Holy Grail of understanding here. If we can find something from your past that makes sense with it, then so much the better. However sometimes the ìtruthî is lost in the mists of time and the only clues that remain are exactly the ones that you are now so perceptively noticing.

[Ian]

Hi benjamin

Thank you for your response, which I read with keen interest. I agree with what you are saying but it is so hard to try and pinpoint the childhood traumas that may have lead to the feelings I have today....but I suppose nobody, least of all yourself, said it would be easy.

I have been thinking long and hard about this and although I cannot recall any singular, significant event of rejection, feeling rejected or insecurity perhaps my childhood in general may have contributed. I'll explain. Pehaps I am confusing rejection with neglect. Perhaps it is the feeling of neglect that I am experiencing and not necessarily rejection. The reason I say this is that although I have loving parents my childhood was not filled with love and effection. My parents never physically or sexual abused me and they were never cruel...it would appear to me to be a generally normal middleclass type of upbringing. However neither of my parents are particularly demonstrative and I would say, being brought up in the 70's, I suffered the "children should be seen and not heard" syndrome. I don't remember many hugs or kisses as a child nor can I recall many happy memories. It is not that I have a head full of unhappy memories...just not memorably happy ones. My childhood was just sort of there... I worked hard at school, as I was expected to...I displayed good manner at all times, as I was expected to. I would never talk back to my parents, I learned respect. I did as my parents told me. If I was naughty I would be punished, not physically, but in terms of losing something that was important to me at the time. Like not being allowed out to play etc. etc. The usual parental punishments.....

So, where has this left me? Perhaps as a sensitive person I now long for the affection that perhaps I did not have as a child. Furthermore it seems to me that I react very childlike when I do not get the affection or attention I want. I sulk, I feel resentful, I can't be bothered with that person in extreme examples. I want to walk away from that person because I feel they are the ones who are making me feel like this....although I have since learned that it me who is making me feel like this (although sometimes that doesn't seem to help much!).

Today, my relationship with my mother is very good. She is affectionate and I seem to be very important to her. My relationship with my father is not so good. He is dominating, opinionated, self-centred and arragont. We argue frequently and he is the one person who generates the most negative feelings in me. What ever i have done he has done faster, longer, further, better!! There is nothing I can teach my father. I think he has a lot of issues himself, although he says he has none (I asked him once)!

Are these thoughts significant, can I learn from what I have said in this email?

By the way, my girlfriend and I spoke about my rejection/insecure/neglected feelings last night. She was understanding as usual and admitted that she felt perhaps I always make most of the effort and that she would try harder. She feel she is taking me for granted a bit as we have been seeing each other for 4 months and routines are being established....that this has been a problem for her in previous relationships.

So anyway, sorry to ramble on. I am trying Benjamin. My biggest fear today is that these emotions may, at some point, be the trigger for me to start drinking again and God knows I don't want to go back there!!! I am 7 months sober and proud of it, I have never felt better in my life. My girlfriend know all about it and is hugely supportive. Now I feel I need to understand, accept and experience emotions that have suffocated for many year with booze.

Thank you Benjamin, your advice is greatly appreciated.
Ian

[Benjamin Fry]

Well children can actually die from physical neglect so a lack of this reassurance as a child can be very unsettling. Infants need hugs almost all the time. Babies need hugs and kisses, singing to and interaction. Toddlers need affirmation that their feelings are ok and survivable. Children need love and support to know that they are wonderful just for being who they are. Teenagers need all of the above to have already happened, otherwise they go haywire. And adults usually tell themselves that they donít need any of it, because they are too upset about not getting it.

Your neediness and your childlike emotions suggest to me that you did not get what you needed as a child. Your subsequent emotional difficulties, including the alcoholism may have been as a result of repressing your feelings about this.

At the risk of stirring the pot, it is possible that your parents had different views on how you should be treated, but that the more austere view prevailed. It could be that it was your motherís instinct to be warmer, as you now experience her, but that she gave into the pressures of the era and perhaps your father to be more disciplinarian. That could be another underlying reason behind your differing connections to your parents in the present. Your fatherís competitiveness suggests a jealousy of the strong bond between you and your mother and this may have been there since birth. Iím sorry that he is not aware of his part of the process. Unfortunately parents often are not, or refuse to be. My fatherís got no issues either.

It seems like you are doing really well in both your recovery and your efforts to understand the reasons for your problems in the first place. You are using your relationships very constructively to learn more about your feelings. Thatís very brave and skilful work and Iím sure that your girlfriend appreciates having such a self-aware partner.

[Ian]

Thank you Benjamin, very wise and encouraging words. I think perhaps you may be right in that my father had very well defined ideas about how his children were to be brought up. He was very domineering regardinf the study I undertook at school, college and University. I remember once taking a cookery option at school, fundementally because I enjoyed it, my father was furious. He made me feel as though I had let him down by choicing to study a worthless activity. I ended up taking all the sciences and finally an engineering degree (my father has an engineering degree). I wanted to read Physics, but as my father said at the time "what are you going to do with a Physics degree...teach?", my father doesn't believe teaching was worthy enough for his child. It would appear to me that my wishes as a child were somewhat irrelevent. I was to do as my father wished or else! I think for him to be proud I had to live up to his expectation regardless of how warped those expectation may have been......

So the big question here Benjamin is what do I do now. I aplogies for relying upon you do point me in the right direction but from you book it is obvious that identifying trauma, catalysts etc. is one part of the journey. The other is doing something about it. Concerning my original note with my girlfriend as the example...do I continue to discuss with her when I feel this way and try to explain that I realise it is fundementally me causing these emotions? Is this they way to develop emotionally? Understnding that perhaps as I did not receive the affection and attention that I needed as a child I project this trauma onto my girlfriend?

I have just started to read your book a second time (I have posted you a cheque by the way) and I'm sure it will become more clear during this second reading. I agree that this type of study and self awareness may take (probably take) a lifetime to develop....unfortunately is not the case that we all wish to be fixed immediately!

Thanks again Benjamin
Ian

[Benjamin Fry]

Regarding your second paragraph, Iíd say ìyes, yes, yesî. Iím all for a bit of emotional literacy, self-awareness and discussion. Generally women appreciate it in a relationship too. Practicising this kind of emotional housekeeping should help you to bring into conscious awareness your feelings and thoughts that would otherwise find some expression unconsciously (and not always to your liking ñ like being rejected).

You are right that it takes time. But as long as you are moving, every day is a step closer to your destination. It is not the length of the journey that you should fear, but rather not starting it. Patience is a skill desperately hard to come by in our culture. If you find out how to do it, let me know.