[Sophie]

Hmm where do I begin?!

I am 24 years old and looking back on my life I wonder if I was ever 'quite right' if that makes sense.
I have been to 2 psychiatrists and felt like I just wasnt getting anywhere so I stopped both times, I would go there..talk and cry and then leave..I dreaded going so I just wouldnt.

My problems are mainly paranoia. For as long as I can remember I have had horrible thoughts pop into my head, that sounds really bad doesnt it. Its not like I am hearing voices but for example I will be having a shower at night time and be almost convinced that there is someone on the other side of the curtain with a knife ready to stab me.
This is something I have just lived with, I tell myself that I am just being silly and of course this wont happen but I just cant stop the thoughts entering my mind.

I also get paranoid of what people think of me and often have myself convinced that 'everyone' hates me/thinks im weird etc.

I have been reading up on bi-polar disorder after seeing an article about it in a mag and identifying with a few things said. I really should be going to a doctor I guess but I just feel so confused about it..how can they make a diagnosis based on what I say when Im not sure what the hell is going on sometimes.

I also go through periods of feeling good and then a week or so of feeling really low which is another thing I noticed is similar to bipolar.

Dont know if I have done the right thing by this but I guess its anonomys right, nobody knows who I am..

[Benjamin Fry]

Horrible thoughts are likely to be derivative of real horrible events (or a real historical perception of events as horrible), rather than really about the possibility of something horrible actually happening. Usually we are most sensitive to things that have actually happened (and that we are repressing) rather than things that might. After all, there are horrible things that could happen that you donít think about (at least I hope there are some).

This disassociation between past and future is a sign of some kind of emotional disturbance in the past related to the way that the trauma mechanism handles overwhemlming emotions. Such emotions and the use of trauma to manage them (at some level) are common to all childhood. However some people never get the chance to resolve the trauma. This involves letting the overwhelming feelings out at a later date when it is safe to do so. Not letting them out can result in a myriad of related symptoms, which unconsciously are trying to communicate something (usually ìlet me out of hereî). I take the view that the labels that are given to various dysfunctional behaviours are all just different ways to notice this same underlying issue. Others will disagree with me and their opinions should be respected.

Can you remember ever being similarly afraid as a child? If so, how far back do these memories go? Was there any problem in your family or childhood that may have distressed you during your emotional development? Any actual horrible events? Let me know if anything comes to mind and how you feel about it.

Itís never a bad idea to go to a doctor, especially if you have medical concerns about your mental health. It doesnít matter if you are confused. It is their job to be experienced in making diagnoses for all sorts of presenting symptoms.

[Benjamin Fry]

Can you give me a time line of your family history so that I can understand what age you were when you parents divorced, what happened with other men following that, her breakdown (and your memories/feelings from that time). What happened to your father? Is you sister younger or older? How old is your boy and when/why did you separate from his father?

What drugs did you take and how often at what age?

Do you remember why you were afraid of the dark? How did this fear manifest itself? Were you forced to sleep in the dark when you didnít want to? Did you sleep alone? What is it exactly that you are afraid of when you are afraid of the dark?

The answers to these questions might help to reveal a reason or cause for your paranoid thoughts.

[Benjamin Fry]

I suspect that you have a lot of unresolved feelings about your motherís illness, the separation of your parents and the following confusion in your domestic life. The drugs may not have helped either. You were using these to repress these feelings and they may have had some mild long term effects.

The feelings that would have accompanies your family disintegration would have been overwhelming at the time. It is the echo of these feelings that you now find played out in the thoughts that plague you. If you contact the feelings then the thoughts will carry less weight. These feelings will run deep though. They may be built on the foundation of earlier thoughts and fears from early childhood which are the casue of the fear of the dark. This could be a metaphorical realisation of your fear of the dark side of your own (or others) human nature. For example there is a part of all of us that would kill our own child. Being close to a balcony with that child can bring this thought to the fore for just a moment. Observing that part of the self is a shock. But less so when you understand that the thought is derivative of a desire to kill off the wounded part of our own childhood that remains stuck with us in a traumatic frozen state.

Iíd suggest that you try to find somewhere where you can speak about your feelings regularly. This could be NA meetings, or counselling, or just by writing your own journal. The assistance of a skilled professional would be a bonus. Some contemplative exercised like walking in nature, yoga or meditation could help to calm the mind. Also exercise is always beneficial to the mental health system.