[Power]

I have been struggling with an issue for some time and I have been reading various articles and websites looking for inspiration. Hence my entry here.

I feel silly in writing in because I'm sure in my heart I know what I have to do. Over the past 5 years my partner has changed in his behaviour and actions. He is very controlling, nasty, mean and abuses us emotionally and verbally regularly.

At first I thought it was just stress and I did a number of things to try and help him. Fishing trips away, holidays etc......however we both have responsibilities and life can't always be fishing trips and holidays.

After a week away on his own he came back in a foul mood - nothing unusual. Me and the kids had had a great relaxing time while he was not around. Chores were done, we had some fun and basically survived quite nicely.

After he had been home for 5 days I finally let him know what he had been doing and how he had been making us feel and I told him I was leaving.

At this news he was very remoresful. admitting he had been awful and horrible but he didn't know what to do about it. I told him he needed to go and get some help. He needed to show me he meant what he said. I wouldn't help him or make appointments for him. Then he confided that he had been having suicidal thoughts.

My problem is that he has been on medication for 2 weeks, is seeking some counselling (but not until March next year.) I feel like he is making an effort but I really don't think I want to be here. Unfortunately I think too much damage has been done and I need to get out and find out who I am again and restore some confidence and respect in myself. He still has his moments and they are really bad but I can also see him making an effort.

Since I have had this discussion with him I have told my family and a few close friends that I told him I was leaving and they have all been very supportive and can't understand why I have been putting up with this - and why I haven't left sooner. People will not come to visit us because of his behaviour and now I have said something the conversations with friends and family have been a real eye opener. Everyone else has noticed how he has changed and what he has been doing to us. They have all been very positive about the moving out issue.

For once I tried to put myself first and look after me - I still feel like I need to leave this relationship but just can't bring myself to take the first step. This is because I feel like I should give things more time and be more patient with him - then the other side of my brain kicks in and says get out of there quickly.

Am I being too selfish and not giving him enough of a chance or should I do what I really think I need to do?

[Benjamin Fry]

Marriage is no picnic. Obviously its meant to be for life and this commitment is in part designed to drag us screaming and kicking through the awful moments, days, months, years. However the reason for staying in your marriage is not about giving him a chance, it should be to give you a chance to complete what you started.

My view on all relationships is that they give us opportunities to explore ourselves in reaction to our relationship with others. The deeper the relationships the deeper the reaction, and therefore the more we can learn about ourselves. Ditto the longer the relationship. Since what we need to learn about is in us, and not in the relationship, it can often be the case that we might leave one relationship to avoid certain feelings, only to find the same feelings recurring in subsequent ones. However by leaving the relationship we lose the opportunity to work through those feelings, however difficult they are.

In the end of course only you can know if this is something that you want to work with, and work through, or something that you need to leave behind. Remember though that if you leave, you have to take yourself with you and whatever remains unresolved within you will most likely recur again one day.