I am 26 now and really feel that I have lost control of my life. I recently moved to a new country with my partner and brother and it has really taken a toll.
I am having real emotional issues at the moment. i am feeling completeley depressed and alone, sad a lot of the time, frustrated as I have no-one to talk to about how I am feeling. i find it difficult to open up to anyone and ashamed at feeling this way. I know I need to go see a therapist, probably a really good idea, its just taking that step.
I have been having emotional issues most of my life. My parents were alcoholics who would rather go to the pub than come home to my brothers, sister and I. They would come home drunk, start fighting, my father would hit my mother, my sister would try step in and he would lash out at her. He died when i was 14 and then my mother went off the rails. She got together with this real piece of trash and decided that she didn't have kids anymore, practically abandoned us. My sister went to live with her boyfriend and my 2 brothers and I were left at home. my older brother kind of lived his own life and I got stuck raising my younger brother who was 2 at the time. I had to do everything, take him to nursery school, wash his clothes, put home to bed, etc etc. Sometimes their would be no food in the house and I would have to argue with my mother to give me money. My mother and I never really got a long, I was 'daddies little girl' so when my dad died, my mother was a real cow to me. That was then, and the feelings I had then are the feelings I am getting back now. Shame, low self esteem. I am unable to speak to people or make friends, I have no idea how to cmmunicate with people any more. I really tried hard to rise above the life my parents gave me. My brothers and siter and I are doing pretty well.
But now I am having these problems. I am ready to break up with my partner of 8 years as I don't think that he has ever treated me well. We got together when I was 18, he was my first and only boyfriend, but I have always felt secondbest with him. he has always been a drinker and when we were in the last country he drank every night, he has his own emotinal problems that I can't deal with any more, and since we have moved to this new country he has acted like a spoiled brat, throwing tantrums, constantly complaing about how life sucks, etc etc. He has really dragged me down this last year.I feel absolutely shattered at times.
My real problem is now. i have been in a new job for 4 months now, believe me when I say I have worked pretty hard to get this position. I was so positive and excited when i got it, ready to try make new friends, be positive and confident, but that plan fell apart. I feel so anxious at work, I struggle to talk to people, I feel shy and can't make eye contact, if I make a mistake I really panic, sometime start shaking (terribel yes) At lunch I feel awkward sitting in the canteen by myself. I just don't know where to start. I have low self esteem and it is getting lower. I havent felt this low since I was 16. I am feeling so confused about my life right now, exhausted really, so uncertain about where to turn. How to get back on track. I can't remember the last time I relaxed. I feel so tense all the time.
Well that is all for now, everythinh that I want to say is all in my head and will come out slowly I am sure, but this is a syep im the right direction I hope. I fell better starting this way as it is anonymous, online and not face to face. Ok, thanks for listenin!
