[cherrytom]

Where do I start ? I have always been promiscuous. I sometimes equate the way I feel about sex with the way many men feel about it (Iím a woman by the way). I can easily have one night stands ñ that doesnít bother me. I think very little of the sexual act in commitment terms more a pleasurable experience between two people.

It does go deeper than that though, if I am honest. I seem to need a man to come on to me sexually before Iíll believe he truly likes me ñ not in a ìletís have a relationshipî way just in normal everyday life. Once heís come on to me I know he does like me and then I think so little of sex (or so much of it in some respects ñ I am very sexually orientated and active and thoroughly enjoy sex) that I simply follow it through.

So whereís the big problem ñ Iíve been married for 12 years (with him for 16) and am blissfully happy within that relationship, I want for nothing at all. He gives me attention, we have a fantastic sex life, he respects me and I him. We are very, very happy and, of course he doesnít know about my problem. We adopted 2 children last year aged 6 and 8. I have had one night stands with around 6 blokes and have been intimate with about 5 more since with my husband.

I have changed ñ I now know it is wrong, although I think nothing of being intimate with a ìfriendî (and I honestly emotionally feel that is acceptable) I cannot live with my guilt afterwards and know that I must have something a little skewed in my head. I havenít been intimate with anyone now for around 5 years because I know I canít bear how I feel about my husband afterwards (not meÖ.my husband).

Lately (I donít know exactly why but it could be a number of things) I have been eaten up with guilt. He loves me based on what he knows about meÖ.and he doesnít know the whole picture. He is my best friend and absolute confident but the one thing I hate myself for and am having difficultly dealing with I canít talk to him about.

On one hand I have always believed that what you donít know cannot hurt you. However, Iím beginning to think he should know about me so he can make an educated decision about our relationship.

I have stopped ñ for him. I have realised I am not normal ñ because of him. I do love him deeply and dearly and couldnít imagine life with out him. And Iím afraid it could happen again if I donít come clean. However, it would kill him ñ I know that but surely he has a right to know about the person he married, the person he gives himself to emotionally and sexually. However, it would also potentially affect relationships around us because of the men I have been intimate with.

At the moment I am so withdrawn from him ñ I canít bear the fact that he is touching me without knowing who else has touched me.

I think Iím just mad ñ I feel I need help. I donít know what to do or who to talk to.

So, the big one ñ keep quiet or cone clean ? My brain says to keep quiet, that I just want to assuage my guilt by sharing this with him.

[Benjamin Fry]

I find your post very touching. Iíve struggled with some similar issues myself with relationships. I actually only really had the courage to face my lack of commitment and the way that I used infidelity to ruin relationships when I met the woman that I knew I wanted to marry. I knew either I had to deal with my problems or it wasnít going to work. (Its all detailed in my book if youíre interested).

The difficulty here is that the act of infidelity exists in two parts. Firstly, you do something to yourself; this is an emotional control whereby the adrenaline rush of the flirtation, the proximity of anotherís body and the sexual stimulation all do something to your pre-existing emotional state. It is like a drug and no different (in a way) to having a drink to steady your nerves at a party. Secondly, you do something to your husband; you cheat on him and degrade the relationship that you vowed to cherish when you married. The two are not necessarily connected. You donít have to do the one because you want to do the other. But thatís just the way it is, as you have noticed. Itís a shame that your drug of choice is so destructive to your marriage.

So you are right, something has to give. You can either continue to sabotage your marriage or will have to abandon this method of controlling your darker feelings that lurk beneath the acts (or just fantasies, or even possibilities) or sexual infidelity. Giving up on this behaviour wonít be easy, because it represents bringing into awareness (and feeling) the trauma that it masks. The question is, what is this trauma and why was it so hard to face. Usually sexual activity such as this indicates some kind of deep wound across the male-female divide. (You might be aware that much pornography is more angry than erotic ñ it is the way that men who can not articulate their anger with their mothers cope with these repressed feelings.) It could be that you were severely let down by a father figure at a very sensitive age and that the feelings from this time have never been fully resolved. Iíd be interested to hear what you could speculate that it might be attributed to.

If you can begin to find the themes that this behaviour is masking, then you have a choice as to what to do about them. Really you need to make some conscious decisions that will help you to begin to find some emotional resolutions. A great resource in your case could be the 12-step group SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous). You might baulk at the idea that you are an addict, but then again how do you feel if I told you that you may never again flirt or be intimate with anyone, ever again, at all? See?

The guilt is also an interesting theme. On one level is it understandable, but it also could point to an unconscious need to resolve guilt from an earlier time. For this reason, it may not be the right move to use this guilt as a motivation to confess. Instead it might be more constructive to find a link to an earlier time and resolve that guilt. It is an unfortunate truth that babies and young children always thing everything is because of them (their world view is simply very narrow). Thus if something goes wrong (like you father leaving home, or being away, or being depressed, or being angry) you would think this was your fault. Hence the guilt. The earlier these issues develop the harder they are to identify and to resolve, and so the more tenacious is the behaviour that we develop as adults to mask them.

Can you speculate here on the source of these underlying emotional issues? Think about the emotions that come up when you are unfaithful (such as the guilt) and try to find an emotional resonance as early as you can in your past. Write about it and see what comes up, both factually and emotionally.

[cherrytom]

Thank you so much for replying so quickly. I cannot explain how much relief I felt. I have felt so alone in thisÖÖÖ..

Iíve given some thought to your comments and the following arenít in any clever order:

My mom got pregnant with me whilst she was at school ay 15. My grandparents and my fathers parents decided that the two would not marry and that mom would bring up me on her own. They begged her to have me adopted but she refused. I have never met my father and know nothing about him. I have wondered over the years about whether I should contact him and decided not to ñ I simply donít feel anything towards him either way and think it might complicate life somewhat. To my knowledge he has never tried to contact me ever. My father figure for the first 5 or 6 years was my grandfather who I adored. He dies 8 years ago. After that I had the most wonderful step dad who I loved dearly. He died 3 years ago.

In between times (when I was around 3) my Mom married a man who legally adopted me. Iím not sure how long the relationship lasted but I think around two years. I have a distinct memory of one time when Mom had gone to work and ìDadî was looking after me. Now this is a distinct but very old memory so there are some gaps. He was sat on the toilet. I was in the bathroom with him. I am not sure whether he called me in or what. The reason Iím saying that is I remember (looking back) that I never saw him naked normally. If he was in the bath and I wanted the toilet either he or Mom used to hold a towel up so I couldnít see him. Anyway, weíre in the bathroom (and in my head Iíve not questioned why Iím in their whilst he is on the toilet) and he says ìIíve got a bad ìsomethingî (I am sure he says ìthingî ñ he disputed that after), can you suck itî. I remember that I knew exactly what he meant and exactly what his ìthingî was. In my young head I did not question this I just did it ñ suck his ìthingî (penis) that is. He closed his eyes for what seemed to me a very long time. I donít recall him being erect at all and he certainly did not ejaculate. He then opened his eyes and said ìwhat are you doingî. He said that heíd told me to suck his bad finger not his thing and that heíd fallen asleep. I accepted that at the time (as you do when you are a child) but as an adult realise the truth of it, of course. When I was about 9, I realised this was wrong but just felt I hadnít been damaged by it and just was worried about any children he might have had since me. He has never been in contact. I have absolutely no idea if this act was a one off but that is my only memory of that sort. I have always said that it didnít damage me but am beginning to wonder whether there is some connection.

I have always been very sexually orientated. I distinctly remember having feelings ìdown thereî very early on. Funnily enough (now I am thinking about it) the memories of these feelings were at the same period of time as the incident with my adoptive father. I remember this because we lived in a maisonette whilst Mom was with him and I remember being in my bedroom (on my own) and feeling ìtinglesî. God, I must have only been 4 or 5. I started masturbating at around 11. I have had a vibrator virtually all my life and use it regularly on my own (and with my husband, of course !). I watched a programme the other night about self harming and the way it made people feel before and after ñ I can absolutely equate that to the way I sometimes feel about sex. If I am stressed or whatever I need sex sometimes and afterwards I feel a wonderful calm ñ but I assume that has something to do with the hormones you release ?

I have very, very low self esteem. People who know me would disagree. I come across as very confident but I am far from it. I desperately need to be liked. My problem, I feel, is connected to this. I seem to have to have the approval of a man (not a woman) to be whole. But just for him to say or show me via friendship I am approved of or I am liked is not enough ñ I seem to need him to show me by giving himself to me sexually. Iím not sure I am making sense here. Afterward Iíve enticed him I fell very happy with myself - I feel as if Iíve won something.

I had an emergency hysterectomy when I was 24. Other than the not being able to have kids bit (which was awful and lasted for many years) I also felt that men looked at me afterwards differently ñ that they knew I wasnít a whole woman. I used this as an excuse for a long time for my behaviour but I think it was just an excuse although Iím not sure

I am a control freak (often called Monica from Friends by my nearest and dearest). Everything has to be right. Everything has to be organised by me. I cannot trust anyone else to do things right.

I know I said this before, but I thought Iíd mention it again. One of the problems is I can have sex without thinking about it, as in I donít seem to understand in my head that it is an intimate thing that shouldnít be done willy nilly. I could easily be intimate with a number of partners, going from one to another (and have done in past relationships where I might have 4 or 5 sexual relationships going on at once) without needing the baggage of a full time relationship with it.

Not sure if this all makes sense. I just wanted to try and give you some background to work with ñ I hope Iíve achieved that.

[Benjamin Fry]

To be honest, this all makes perfect sense. In fact, I think it would be instructive for you to read your second post again and then re-read your first. It must be clear to you when you put them in chronological order of recorded events that one thing will have lead to the other. And I'm very sorry to hear of your abuse.

The bottom line is that the male dynamic in your life was never successfully established in childhood. You have missed a reliable safe father figure in your upbringing. This creates a longing, but also a deep resentment. You can act this out as an adult in the sexual arena. This acting out helps to keep the pain that underlies it at bay. You treat an adult man as a sex object thus at the same time possessing him, but also dismissing him. You get to have your man, while simultaneously denigrating him. If only that could be a permanent reality, then you would never have to be upset about the men that left you and/or abused you as a child: they would be both in your power and not worth the bother.

The challenge you now face is to see if you can alter your reaction to the emergence of pain in your mind-body system. Sexual acting out is a great relief for you Iím sure, but of course, like all behaviour that medicates our feelings, there are other consequences. You no longer want those consequences, so you are going to have to deal with the feelings another way. Iíd really encourage you to investigate SLAA. It would end your isolation with these issues at a stroke. Also, some proper counselling or psychotherapy would be a great way to begin to contact the honest consequences of all of the issues that you had to put up with as a child. You most likely will find that it is the sexual abuse and abandonment by your father figures that you set up your low self-esteem about yourself. After all, as a child you would have desperately wanted a father. When one left, you would have assumed that this was because you werenít interesting enough to keep him (which unfortunately is how kids think) and later this becomes a sexual thought that you werenít attractive enough in every possible way. You were introduced to sex far too early in your development and so it is not surprising that it is as if you now want to use that avenue as a way back to solving the original traumas.

Control freakery suggests that you are afraid to stumble into unwanted emotional territory. Again this points at the weight of unresolved emotions from your childhood. Lessening this burden will help you in that area.

[michelle]

I am so amazed by your story. Forever I have been looking for books to help me in that area! You only find books about men's problems, or relationships, but never when the topic is women who cheat-why is that? Anyway, through my own readings, I have self-diagnosed myself with borderline personality disorder. You sound exactly like me. You should check it out. My problems started when I was young, being fondled my a few different men (an uncle, a babysitter's brother, and my own brother)-I learned early that men respond to sexuality. When I was a teen, my friends and I turned it into a game. We chose different guys to conquer-when we got their attention, we had sex with them, and dumped them. It was my way of role reversal. It was like payback to men in general. I then fell in love, got married, but "it" was still there. My husband was too nice-I couldn't "pay" him back, so I chose other men. I picked men of different types-unaccessible ones were the best, they were a greater challenge. I did this many times when I was married, always hiding it- I questioned my self esteem, but like you, nobody could ever tell-I appeared strong and in control, which is a sign of the BPD as well. I was married for over 10 years when I started doing self-help, but with this, I found a guy who was my 1st emotional attachment-I told him everything about myself, and he accepted me, and helped me-so you know where this leads-we had an affair for almost a year when I decided I couldn't live like that any longer-I told my husband I wanted a divorce, never telling the reason, and my lover was "found out" by his wife. Since then, it's been 5 years, and I am still "with" my lover, although it is still a secret to most. I am ashamed of it, and cannot find a normal relationship yet. I am so afraid of my past addiction, I tend to stay away from other men-and I view them totally different now. I wish like heck I was still with my ex, but he is remarried now, so I'm afraid my guilt just eats at me (of which I NEVER had before), I feel bad that my kids are now from a "divorced" home, and I still bear the BIG secret about myself to the world. I wish I could rest easy with my past, but I can't, I can only change the future. I'm not sure what my answer is to you, except good for you for recognizing your feelings-definitely check out the borderline personality disorder and if you can afford it, get professional counseling, of which I couldn't since I can't afford it. Good luck to you!

Michelle