Posted 22 September 2004 - 09:48 AM
Hi
I hope that you can help me.
I have been in a relationship for a few months and everthing has been fine. We met and fell in love and it was just great. After a few weeks we admitted our feelings to each other and were bothe really happy and felt great about loving each other. Last week, out of the blue, he ended the relationship and said that he loves me but isnt ready for a relationship. When i questioned him he says he loves me but doesnt "want to love someone right now" as his life wont allow it. I know he has a lot of unfinished business from his marriage ending a year and a half ago but i just dont ge tit.
How can someone just turn their feelings off? How can he turn his back on me and do it so cruelly if he loves me? Is a mans definition of love different to a womans?
The memories of us are torturing me as i have no bad ones, they are all fantastic ones full of fun and good times and togethorness. This has come as such a shock its really knocked the stuffing out of me and i cant seem to pick myself up. I cant eat, sleep, concentrate and i cant face going out cos i just cant hold it togethor and if anyone is nice to me i just start crying.
What is going on with him...can anyone help me?
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I need to understand Men
#2 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 22 September 2004 - 10:08 AM
First, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I read about this happening to people a lot on this site. It must be pretty common. Don't feel it is your fault. Try to get through each day and take Benjamin's advice when it comes. This person had other things going on in his life and he was possibly just being honest with you so as not to continue the relationship he couldn't commit to at this time. Try to remember the good times.
Best Wishes
Best Wishes
#3
Benjamin Fry 
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Posted 30 September 2004 - 01:47 PM
As you may have noticed, men and women are not the same. It is never accurate to generalise, but as patterns go there is a theme in relationships, particularly as we all get a bit older, where the woman is delighted to fall in love whereas the man gets a bit shifty. Essentially there is perhaps a slight imbalance in the predisposition to commitment between the sexes. This could stem from certain basic evolutionary truths; men will reproduce their genes most effectively by scattering them far and wide, whereas a women is best served by having a strong male to protect her relatively small supply of young. Perhaps also the needs and desires of men and women develop at different times at different ages.
You have noted that your ex has a lot of unfinished business from a relatively recent divorce. This is probably a reason for him to be wary of delicious love affairs. After all, he most likely loved his wife once too. He seems to have been quite specific with you about the problem. He is afraid of love. He has had a bad experience in its name and it has lowered his capacity for commitment. The problem is unlikely to be that he does not love, or has turned off his love, but that he is afraid of love.
However thereís only so much that we can speculate about someone who is not in the forum and who it appears is no longer in your relationship. What we can look at though is what aspects of your life have contrived to bring you into contact, and so much in love with, a man who it appears could never have fully been yours. Thereís little that can dull the pain of a broken heart, but an understanding of how you got there and why can be a starting point. Do you have any history of this kind of relationship? Are the feelings that it brings up for you now familiar in any way? Could you trace these feelings back to any kind of childhood experiences? It may be that you are following an unconscious program to re-stimulate feelings which have been left behind in your life but which now want to be released. If so, then the more you work to recover these feelings, the less you will be tormented by your present heartache and the more likely you will be to avoid it in the future. Is there anything that comes to mind in this vein?
You have noted that your ex has a lot of unfinished business from a relatively recent divorce. This is probably a reason for him to be wary of delicious love affairs. After all, he most likely loved his wife once too. He seems to have been quite specific with you about the problem. He is afraid of love. He has had a bad experience in its name and it has lowered his capacity for commitment. The problem is unlikely to be that he does not love, or has turned off his love, but that he is afraid of love.
However thereís only so much that we can speculate about someone who is not in the forum and who it appears is no longer in your relationship. What we can look at though is what aspects of your life have contrived to bring you into contact, and so much in love with, a man who it appears could never have fully been yours. Thereís little that can dull the pain of a broken heart, but an understanding of how you got there and why can be a starting point. Do you have any history of this kind of relationship? Are the feelings that it brings up for you now familiar in any way? Could you trace these feelings back to any kind of childhood experiences? It may be that you are following an unconscious program to re-stimulate feelings which have been left behind in your life but which now want to be released. If so, then the more you work to recover these feelings, the less you will be tormented by your present heartache and the more likely you will be to avoid it in the future. Is there anything that comes to mind in this vein?
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#4 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 01 October 2004 - 10:02 AM
Dear Phoenix,
"Rising from the ashes," isn't that the statement we relate to the Phoenix? You will also rise from this tragedy, and you will find after much inner searching that it isn't such a tragedy at all. Recall you past experiences with men, and see if this isn't a pattern with you. Are you choosing men who are predictably unavailable to you?
Do you have supportive and fun-loving friends, girlfriends specifically, with whom you can go out and enjoy some fun activities? See if you can get through an evening with them without talking about this unavailable person. You may find that you have a future and that your life is not "over" because of his actions.
Best Wishes
"Rising from the ashes," isn't that the statement we relate to the Phoenix? You will also rise from this tragedy, and you will find after much inner searching that it isn't such a tragedy at all. Recall you past experiences with men, and see if this isn't a pattern with you. Are you choosing men who are predictably unavailable to you?
Do you have supportive and fun-loving friends, girlfriends specifically, with whom you can go out and enjoy some fun activities? See if you can get through an evening with them without talking about this unavailable person. You may find that you have a future and that your life is not "over" because of his actions.
Best Wishes
#5 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 30 November 2004 - 07:18 AM
dear phonix it probbly moved to fast and is not ready to make a leep of faith as of yet. You did nothing wrong. Go out with your girlfriends for a movie or a facial do something to distract your self. remember men are like wet fireworks just when you think that they are all dud you pick a good one.
#6 Guest_Guest_guest_*
Posted 30 November 2004 - 08:44 PM
Sorry about the situation..........we all have been there.
Recently I saw an Oprah show with a new book called: "He Just Isn't That Much Into You"
It was amazing how many women stood to ask questions about their lovers who had either left them or were not around as much as they would like.
Long story very short, If he is not giving to you 100%, "He just isn't that much into you."
Men never want to hurt, they almost always start off with, "I love you but.........
Anytime you hear I love you but......"He Just Isn't that much into you."
And we women spend too many years thinking, "He's been hurt too much to commit, "He is stressed all the time from his job", "I know he loves me, but.."
Get the book! When it's the right life partner, neither of you will be "Too busy",
"Too tired", "Too stressed", "Not the right time", etc.
Have fun finding the right one!
Recently I saw an Oprah show with a new book called: "He Just Isn't That Much Into You"
It was amazing how many women stood to ask questions about their lovers who had either left them or were not around as much as they would like.
Long story very short, If he is not giving to you 100%, "He just isn't that much into you."
Men never want to hurt, they almost always start off with, "I love you but.........
Anytime you hear I love you but......"He Just Isn't that much into you."
And we women spend too many years thinking, "He's been hurt too much to commit, "He is stressed all the time from his job", "I know he loves me, but.."
Get the book! When it's the right life partner, neither of you will be "Too busy",
"Too tired", "Too stressed", "Not the right time", etc.
Have fun finding the right one!
#7 Guest_Guest...again_*
Posted 02 December 2004 - 02:29 AM
That book sounds just perfect. I will go look for it this weekend. It may explain the unavailability of most men in relationships. Thanks for the recommendation.
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