[snorkangel]

My husband of 11 yrs has just aired a secret he has kept locked up for 13 yrs. He has 2 children by a previous marriage(we have 0) and when they were young (they are now 16 & 18), he feared they would be abducted. They have always been safe, but to deal with this fear he ran a scenario in his mind that only one of the children was abducted. Over the years he has replayed this thought to change which child was abducted, and it has become so bad that he feels like he is going mad, as in reality he would never choose between his children and loves them both with equal love. It is now stuck on one child and he is feeling guilty for the selection of that child - terming it that he has "physically" chosen one above the other. I am very worried that it will take over his life, as he himself has called it an OCD. Any sensible advice would be appreciated.

[Benjamin Fry]

Firstly, Iím sorry to get back to you so late. Iíve been on paternity leave.

Actually, its quite an apt delay. Iíve also at times tormented myself with the hypothetical question of which child I would lose if I had to lose one. It is also the premise of a haunting film ìSophieís Choiceî, which was very popular. I think that it is a reasonably common reaction to the fear of the strong attachment that a child creates in a parent. Filmís are often universally popular because they tap into some commonly held unconscious fear.

The issues here seems to be a question of degree. What might pass for a weak nurosis in others (perhaps in myself, linked to the early loss of my mother) might be becoming an obsession for him. This suggests that the issue resonates with some unconscious trauma that wants to be articulated and brought out into the conscious domain of understanding and emotional release. Usually thoughts that possess us are the trip-wire for deeper emotional housekeeping that is looking for a way out. We repress that way out (through years of emotional disability) and thus the thoughts just spin in our heads. Your husband needs to find the link from this thought to a buried emotional reality.

Ask him to look into his past for issues that relate to loss, particularly early in childhood. See if you can get him talking about anything that comes up. If you find a resistance there to looking at anything in particular, you can be fairly sure that this is where the real issue lies. It might be something that he could use some counselling for, so tread lightly. Let me know if anything comes up.