[marina]

Thank you again Ben for your replies to my previous posts.

Well where am I at now? I am still using my relationship as a catalyst for dealing with my emotions - difficult pattern to break. At least I am understanding my actions and where all these deep emotions are coming from. ie that they have very little to do with the present and a lot to do with the past. I still dont seem to be able to connect with the actual memory of where these emotions stem from - probably a variety of past experiences. Is it essential that I make these connections? or do I just need to feel the emotion (I usually end up in tears and cry until my back/lung area actually hurts). I feel that a lot of my reactions in the present are due to fear. Again this is so strong, it is difficult to prevent. I guess the fear is a defense mechanism, but it is also stopping me from moving on. How would I get in touch with this and how would I relieve this fear? I find I can release anger, sadness, disappointment through crying, but fear? I dont know. Also it stands in the way of me accessing these emotions. Perhaps that is what is preventing me from getting in touch with the original memories. (ie inside if what happened to me in the past was too overwhelming to deal with then, then whenever I start to touch upon those traumas, fear stands in the way, telling me it'll be too much to deal with)

I still havent read your book, but will endeavour to do so. Also have only just started the meditation. I found a website called www.learningmeditation.com which has some simple guided meditations so I'm just starting on them.

[Benjamin Fry]

It sounds like you are doing terrifically well. Being able to release your feelings in such a physical way is likely to be a very good sign of beginning to move on. I donít think that you need to worry too much what thought or memories you associate with the feelings. The goal is the feelings themselves. The memories are often just the catalyst. However, the one can often trigger the other and start a new cycle of emotional resolution. Is this release actually having any effect on the way your day-to-day life is going? Do relationships seem a little bit more manageable, or even appetizing? Don't worry about the way that you use relationships. That is the same for everyone. By understanding them the way you now do, you are way ahead of the pack.

Fear is often regarded as the foundation of our emotional reality. If you think about the evolution of mankind, fear is the way that we avoid dying, and therefore survive. In a way, the most scared race is the one most likely to succeed evolutionarily. (I bet accountants live to have more children than daredevils). The way to transcend this is to lift yourself out of your physical reality and connect more with your spiritual aspects. You are a fusion of something spiritual and a physical reality. Fear is physical. Faith is spiritual. We rarely get the balance right and our modern world is a very hard place in which to even understand what the spirit it. Yoga and meditation are great ways to get a glimpse of a life without so much fear. This can help you to have the courage to go through the fear!

In the end if you have lost a parent and the literal life support that this brings, you will need to connect with some sense of a higher order of things. This restores the feeling of being taken care of a little. Ultimately you can connect with these higher functions of your own in your own mind. (You donít need to believe in anything outside of you if you donít want to ñ just in the power and wisdom of your own unconscious mind.)

[marina]

It is difficult to say whether these emotional releases are having an effect yet. I am still with the same guy who is 'unavailable' emotionally, who I see maybe once every three weeks. I seem to have an emotional attachment to this situation which is quite painful, and it does seem to be a trigger for this emotional release eg dealing with his rejection etc. I dont know why I am holding on to this really except that it has theraputic value!! I am hoping that at some point when this hurt has healed, I will be able to move on to something more fulfilling. It is difficult to say whether I am creating more pain in my life or whether I am digging up past pain (as I have said, I cant seem to attach any specific memories). But the fact is if I could move on emotionally I would. It certainly doesnt seem rational that this one person could create so much pain in my life so I would still go with the theory that it is past trauma. After all, I am not short of admirers, so why else would I attach myself to someone who is unable to love me? I just long for the day when I am able to move on.

If I were to trace my steps with regards to relationships since my fathers death, we could be here some time! I've had a number of superficial relationships, two abusive relationships where the partner was violent (one for two years and the other for 10 months) and more recently have been with emotional unavailable rejecting men. I guess somewhere along the lines I have concluded that I am not worthy of love and these partners reinforce that belief. How do I change this negative programming?

Onother event which I have read about in your posts is abortion. About six months after my father had died, I became pregnant from a one night stand. As I was only 15, I had an abortion. I feel that I am over that now, but it is something not many people know about, and I dont talk about it as I dont wish to be judged. I guess I feel guilty about it as I have a belief that it is wrong. For example, now that I have a child, I would never be able to have an abortion. I guess I am older now and feel that we should face the consequences of our actions, no matter how difficult. But I was 15 years old and I wouldn't have been able to provide a child with the love and attention it needs.

Anyway, I still have a number of issues that I need to deal with, but I am commited to dealing with them and my emotions, as I feel I have a right to happiness just as everyone else does.

Thanks again for your support.

[Benjamin Fry]

Each of us goes through an emotional journey in our lives. For those of us with more trauma in our system this journey can be confusing, long and unpleasant. During those times of suffering we all tend to look to the Shangri-la of the arrival point of our projected journey. It is easy to forget where we have come from, and how far we have already gone.

You long for the day that you can move on. But you also list how you have already moved on. Your chronological summary of relationships is exactly that; notice how you have moved on from violent to merely unavailable! With or without therapy the emotional work gets done. Its just that without therapy it is slower and takes over more of our lives to get done. You have been moving and are still moving. With your commitment and focus on your emotional issues you will move faster and more easily. Slowly you will see a change in your external world to accompany this internal change, but, like watching a child grow, you sometimes can not see the difference from day to day, even though the changes over the years are dramatic.

Iím sorry to hear about your abortion. These are things that we donít consider greatly as teenagers, but later in life with the perspective of adulthood (and particularly parenthood) they can take on a new light. Pay attention to your feelings about this issue. There are parallels there with what happened to your father (life and death, choice and responsibility) and I suspect that it is no accident that it occurs to you to mention this at this time. Having peeled away part of one layer of your trauma, you may be beginning to see another. Itís an exhausting process, but one that you seem to be well suited to now undertaking.