[TheVinesKid]

Hello Everyone who to reads this

I guess I need to post this to see whether I should undertake cosmetic surgery for my ears - and whether I need more psychological work to help me out of my current situation.
I'm currently 26 years old, I broke up with my previous girlfriend over 2 years ago and have not really had a relationship since. My previous girlfriend used to complain that I never really opened up my feelings, or even actually talked much fullstop. I now realise that she probably was right.

When I was young going through the school system I was bullied alot, and generally seen as the weak member of the class that anyone could make themselves feel better by humiliating me. All the old taunts of "big-ears" and "dumbo" pretty much isolated me alot. I remember all the school trips we used to go on - I would almost always end up as the one kid walking alone behind.

When I speak to females I struggle to think of things to say and I think this could be due to missing out on all the social lessons that kids learn when attending the school discos (I never went). I struggle to mantain eye contact with people and feel myself wanting to slip away.

I guess the catalyst for this post was going on holiday for a week with a mate from work - I only knew this guy in the group we were with, but did get on with his mates well during the day. At night we'd go out and drink and go to clubs - the other guys had their target of sleeping with as many girls as possible and usually broke up into smaller pairs to pull girls. I was basically always on my own within 5minutes of entering the club. Feeling isolated I would basically get blasted and wander around trying to talk to girls - but they would lose interest and split pretty quickly. Basically it got pretty dangerous at the end of the night as I would find myself feeling so so low I wanted to just hurt myself.

We also met up with a group of girls who we hung around with during the day - as the time went on I found it blatently obivious that they would avoid me and talk to the more witty, good looking blokes in our group. I basically ended up feeling like a leper.

Now I want to just do something about this - I need to do something as I can feel my life ticking on with no hope of any female wanting to be with me. The isolation aspect is bigger now as I own my own house and earn enough that I don't need to rent to anyone else - I found it hard in the past to rent with other people after university.

Please help..

[samantha]

I hate that you have gone through all of that, but you know we all have our own burdens, and mine is a weight problem. Now, here's my openion on plastic surgery. If you really want it, and believe it would make youfeel better, then go for it. If the only reason you feel that you want surgery though is that girls would be more attracted to you...I say forget it! Know that you are a great person on the inside and that you are holding out for your one and only "true love" that will except you for you. You know something else? I have always found that the best friendships I ever make are to others who "dont fit in." They all know what it's like to be the odd man out and are sinsative to that fact. Be yourself, and learn to love who your are on the inside.

[Benjamin Fry]

The jungle is a rough place. Alpha males get all the girls and the rest pick over the scraps. Thatís the animal kingdom for you and weíre a part of it. If youíre not superficially interesting or good looking then in a holiday bar with a gang of girls youíre going to struggle to get attention. After all, who do you look at or want to talk to when youíre out?

Thereís two points to consider that should help you here. First, animal success is a product of your own qualities and your circumstances. In the jungle, its strength that counts. At MIT, brains can make you attractive too. So all is not lost. But you need to pitch yourself to more suitable markets, or to spend your time in such places with reasonable expectations.

Secondly, thereís a big issue here of self-esteem. This is a common problem with people who have suffered serial bullying. Itís really such a shame, but youíve accumulated the effects of so many negative messages. Counselling could help you to begin to move the emotions associated with this shaming. This in turn would lead to you feeling a bit more confident inside. And that would be communicated to both men and women automatically.

You could fix as much as your body as you like, but if you remain unconfident about your very core self, then people will still find it hard to connect with you and therefore be attracted to spending time in your company. Inner qualities are well worth developing because they increase with age, while looks fade.

Also in your favour is your age. You are not 16 any more. You are just on the cusp of the age when superficial qualities begin to take a back seat in relationships. Woman begin more and more to look for a man who can understand them and make them feel safe, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes sensitivity can be much more important than wit.

If you get to understand your emotional burden better then you will relate to women more easily, since they are instinctively more emotionally aware and struggle to find men who can keep up. This is likely to be a more amorous asset than streamlined ears.

If youíve got the time and money, then donít be afraid to do both. (I have no expertise or experience on plastic surgery, but if it makes you happy and isnít dangerous then thereís not much to lose so long as you donít bank on it changing your life). But if you can only do one, then Iíd vote for the inner work. Thatís where the true potential lies and it can benefit you in so many more ways than just your appearance.

[Rimu]

what ben said.

i think getting your ears done could make the "inner work" a bit easier, as you'll no longer have a physical manifestation of your problems to fixate on

[crystal]

Are you SURE it's the ears? I know you really, really believe it's the ears, but what objective analysis have you undertaken? Are there any people who know you, who you can really trust to give you an honest answer on this? You need as many opinions as possible to try to be objective.

As a woman I can say that there are so many things that can be unattractive about a man - but I would never have thought of his ears! Maybe there is something really nauseating that you are doing and don't realise it. When you get a negative reaction, you blame it on the ears.

Start by taking an honest look - do you dress attractively? Many men wear horrible clothes and refuse to see how off-putting this can be to women. Most women care a lot about clothes. If you do not iron your clothes a lot of women will assume you are a loser.

Do you behave as a gentleman? Open doors for women and offer to take their coats, get up and fetch them another coffee, act like you've always got time to talk? Avoid looking at or commenting on other women when you are with the woman you like?

Do you keep yourself really clean, use deodorant, maintain a good hairstyle? Have nice table manners? Avoid inappropriate touching until you get clear signals from the woman that she's really interested?

Unless you have ears like cauliflowers with lots of hair growing out of them, I simply CANNOT BELIEVE it is your ears that are the problem. I've met some very attractive alpha males with sticking out ears before - it wasn't a problem for them because they had everything else going for them!

But if you really do have the worst ears in the world, it is one of the simplest, cheapest plastic surgery jobs and may even be available on the NHS.

[TheVinesKid]

Thanks for all the replies. Maybe I do have to look to myself and how people view me. I feel in social situations I tend to take a backseat - ie. I talk to other males rather than females. I just feel uncomfortable most of the time. I try to dress smart and wear smart clothes, and always try to be a gentlemen, in fact I get really angry when I see blokes not opening doors for women or just generally being assholes to them. I think I'm going to look for some councilling first, try to talk out some the issues that seem to go around and around in my head. I do think that my childhood has really screwed me up so I'm not sure whether counciling on its own will help. I hope just talking through the issues with someone who actually wants to help will put me in the right direction.

Thanks to you all for your encouragement and ideas.
Hopefully I'll be in a better state sometime soon.

VinesKid