[help my teen and me!]

Hello, I have a 15 yr old daughter who has always had a hard time socially. She has "friends" but feels as though she does not fit in. Her friends will walk away from her and leave her behind. She is very quiet and doesn't persue any lengthy conversation. She started 10th grade this year (a battle as every school year). She feels left behind, eats lunch by herself, walks the hall by herself and feels very hurt when she sees others excitedly greeting friends they haven't seen over the summer and no body does that to her. Often times just wants to go to the bathroom to cry. She will avoid the calls, invitations, etc from her friends. I'm sure her "friends" want to be friends with her, but she barely shows interest in them. She is also doing this with her dad (we're divorced). She shows no interest and he doesn't initiate any conversation with her she she feels he doesn't care. She does have difficulty learning and is in Special Education. One of her psychological tests reveal that she has difficulty with anxiety, depression, self esteem, and social stress. She is not happy and says she never will be. Wonders why she was born when someone else could have lived a better life than she. I am seeking a counselor for her now, but until then she is now at a point where she will not go to school. She wants to explore other options. We've done homeschooling in the 8th grade (it didn't work. She lost motivation, I was lacking time). I think she attended 9th grade to try to "fit in" but ended up hanging with kids whom were skipping class and she would follow, therefore failing many classes. I've heard of adult education offering diplomas, but she would have to find transportation. My real concern is...Because of her difficulties socially, would it be best to encourage high school and to work on the social problems or would she be better off in an adult education program (which sounds to me like homeschooling, but she would have more structure and help than what I could offer her). I don't want to add to her problems, but I do want to work on them.
I'm desperate.
millt55@msn.com

[Rimu]

was she like that before the divorce?

[Benjamin Fry]

On a practical level Iím not able to help. I have no first hand experience of the American education system.

You are definitely doing the right thing trying to find counselling for her. These seem like they are serious emotional issues. Taking her out of school might ease the symptoms, but the causes will remain and hinder her in later life. It is possible that she needs help to cope with the feelings that she had during your divorce, or during your time together if the home was very unstable. Or there may be earlier traumas in her life.

You might benefit from getting into this process together. I always think that if a parent wants to help a child psychologically the best way to do so is to start to help themselves psychologically. This then creates a much safer psychotically home environment (much of this is perceived unconsciously so you might have to just take my word for it). Children and young adults are actually much more flexible emotionally that we think. If you start to create the right environment for her at home and acquire some of the skills that go with understanding yourself better, then you may be surprised how much easier this makes it for her to process her own emotional backlog. It is this emotional resolution that will be the real solution to her (and now your) problems. Do you think you could get access to some family and individual counselling in your area?

[help my teen and me!]

Thank you Dr for your response. My divorce was terrible through the 18 months it took to reach the final divorce. The worst! I had placed a protection order against him on myself. Her father has his own issues that he doesn't realize he has. He put our 4 kids in the middle of the divorce, especially my oldest 2. Would say anything to hope the kids wouldn't like me and would take his side in the divorce. There was no side, but my kids didn't understand that at that time. 3 years later my kids now see things differently and know that there doesn't have to be a side to choose. We had done family counseling in hopes to help my children. Dispite the protection order, I agreed that it would be very important to get my ex (the kids dad involved) hoping to shed the light on him how the kids were really feeling, what is being done, what can help. Explaining to him that the kids want to be able to say "Dad I really don't want to talk about this, can we talk about something else?" without him becoming raged. Often times the kids we lied to and felt as if they had to agree with him, nurture and take care of him so he didn't feel angry, explosive or suicidial. Even there were a few times during family counseling where he had stormed out of the session or the counselor had to speak to him separately. The counselor had over heard him tell my oldest to "play the counseling game until it was over. I don't want to get into this any further than I have to, but needless to say....what we learned to carry out in counseling has not been carried out at all. Most of the intential games he played with the kids or I have stopped. However, he still doesn't understand things and continues to do more harm. I seriously think he may have an undetected learning disability. I'm not perfect...I try my best to keep the fumes down inside without exposing anything to the kids. My kids are now 16, 15, 11 and 6. Their dad only has close contact with the younger two. My 15 yr old I'm concerned about in this topic is very angry with him, doesn't not reach out to him but nor does he reach out to her. I spoke with him yesterday and told him he may possible lose a daughter. He did reach out to her this time. She was feeling much happier with him and the conversation they had. Although after her talking to me about her discussion she had, I was not happy some of the contents that were discussed (Why take Algebra, you wouldn't use it, I don't use it...I agree that you don't need it in school). I told her I didn't agree with him and explained why and left it at that. He was also her biggest supporter when she wanted to be homeschooled in 8th grade. He doesn't not work WITH me when it comes to the kids....never did even during our marriage of 15 yrs. Sorry for venting...Anyways....

This also makes me question....should he be involved in this counseling again with my daughter? Be involved in the school meetings/dealing with the school issues? Would it cause more harm then good for her? I have sole rights to my childrens education and health.

[help my teen and me!]

Rimu, yes she was like this before the divorce. This has always been an issue each school year. Seems to have gotten more difficult for her as she has gotten older. Peer pressure maybe? More independence, more socialization?

[Benjamin Fry]

Iím not a doctor. Iím just one man talking away to anyone who will listen!

The trauma of your marriage, divorce and afters sounds really tough for the kids (and you). This is likely to greatly aggravate a pre-existing difficulty socialising successfully. You canít undo the past, but you can help her to try to get the feelings about it out in the open. You have obviously done very well with the counselling efforts. In general, such things only work when there is a will to make it work. If her dad is not on side, its better that he is not there. The important person to reach is your daughter, if she wants to be reached.

Try to continue with the emotional work with her and to be there for her as someone to talk to, not just a policeman. The more she can externalise, and the younger she can do it, the better it will be for her. But in the end, she is not your problem to solve. You will have to accept that her journey is a unique one and that your role after a while is to accompany her as best you can.