[ozric]

I am looking for some advice for my situation. Been together with my wife for 13 years and have three children. We have had a very close relationship and dont really argue etc. But my wife has always had issues from her past. namely child abuse physical/emotional. This has emereged now and again during our relationship where she would become withdrawn and unhappy. She seems to be able to put a wall up against these emotions and would then snap back out of it and carry on as normal. I have said to her on these occasions that she needs to get help on these issues, but she has refused and has said that she will deal with it in her own time.

Six weeks ago I had noticed that she was becoming very unhappy, withdrawn and cold towards me. After a few discussions with me (it is sometimes hard to get her talk as she seems to build up walls). Well she just turned round and said that she didn't love me anymore, and has had enough of everything me, home the kids etc. She then moved out and went to her mothers to stay.

We have had various discussion since, and she doesn't know why this is happening or what she wants to do. I have learnt more about her talking to me about her past and that the child abuse was also sexual, which she had not told me about in the past. She understands that she has these demons but doesn't know if she wants to deal with them. I believe that her feelings etc for me and the kids is all this pent up frustration and pain she has tried to lock away since her childhood. She has said many hurtfull things to me about our past which I know are not true and she is only remembering the negatives. She has said that she has never been happy in life, but she just puts on this front to look like she is happy.

So I am looking for some info and advice on my situation and how I can get her the help that she needs before our family is ripped apart due to her, in my mind, not true feelings that she seems to be going through at the moment.

Regards

[ozric]

Hi B

Many thanks for your reply!

I agree that she is at a tug-of-war with herself at the moment in whether she is better of without us or that we will be better of without her, but I know that neither of those options will bring happiness.

She said that she will be moving back home tonight, but is not ready to give any guarantees to our relationship, but it is a start - baby steps. I will be working with her and encouraging her for therapy if she will allow me to, but she has distanced herself from me to the point that I can't even give her a hug. If she is willing to do therapy and after it emerges a happier person but is still not willing to make a go of our relationship at least I know that I can let her go knowing that she is a happier person, no matter how much that would hurt me.

I am no expert otherwise I wouldn't be asking for advice here, but my own personal believe is that if you need to find the "real you" then you need to discuss this with your family and gain their support and letting them know beforehand what all the possible outcomes may be. But I believe that you can't be happy in life until you are happy with yourself, so if therapy helps you find yourself you may then look on your family as the best thing that has ever happened to you and love them as much as I am sure they do you.

I feel that my wife is in the situation where she has so many bad memories surfacing that previously she would block away and put her 'demons' back into their boxes, but i think that this time she can't do it and she can only think of all of the negatives in our past and cannot see any other resolution but to run away from it all and she is self-blaming for anything that is not going right at the moment.

Don't give up B, to me you are making good progress in that you have overcome the biggest hurdle in that you have recognised you needed help and have started therapy, I just wish my wife would see and understand that she does need help and that I want to support her because I love her so much.

Regards

[Benjamin Fry]

This is a tough situation for everyone concerned. Its also a very common one. Thereís a film (which I think is called ìWhen a man loves a womanî with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia) which deals with this issue very well. In it the woman starts to recover from alcoholism, but the issues could just as well be less overt. The one line in the film which really struck me was when she said to him at the end of a screaming row, ìI am not your problem to solveî. Thatís the nub of where you are right now.

The problem lies in the seeming paradox of being a loving partner (which for men automatically implies trying to take care of things) and actually being a respectful friend. You will need to tread very, very carefully on the latter because if she is beginning to fight back against years of repression from child sexual abuse then she is going to be dealing with some very tough stuff. She doesnít need any more obstacles and if you give her one, she will take herself away to a place of greater safety and respect.

Iím afraid that you fail this test in your last paragraph where you refer to her ìnot true feelingsî. I know what you mean. You think that she is projecting the pain of her childhood onto her family in the present and running away. But actually her feelings are true. Her feelings are her feelings. When sheís angry, sheís angry. When sheís sad, sheís sad. When sheís frightened, sheís frightened. And thereís going to be an awful lot of that going on. These feelings will now be very precious to her.

Your problem (like so many of us men) is that we find it hard to accept these emotions in our partner without either feeling responsible or wanting to fix them (or both). Now since you accept that these feelings come from the past, you canít do anything about them other than to accompany her with them. The moment you start to try to ìfixî her, you will lose her.

This is harder than it sounds. Hereís an idea to help. When you get to sit down and really talk, let her speak and then repeat back to her what you have heard; like by saying, ìwhat I heard you say is that you donít know if you are coming back to stay or notî, and leave it at that. This will slow you down in your automatic response to justify yourself, fix her and control the situation and it will also make her feel very safe. And if she doesnít want to talk, accept that too.

The hard part comes when you need to talk. I suspect that the kernel of the current difficulty is that actually you are also very upset. You are manifesting this by wanting to fix and to control the person that you see as causing the upset. That is actually a bit dishonest and manipulative. I know thatís hard to take as a father and husband who cares for the family, but Iím letting you have the truth here because unconsciously that is what she will be responding to. You need to find a way to take care of your own sadness and fear without needing her to change. That way you can be a true friend and ally to her, which she may or may not appreciate.

Ultimately these kinds of situations really require both parties to gain some greater self-awareness simultaneously. You will also have some issues in your life. Itís no accident that you married a seriously traumatised sexual abuse survivor. Iím prepared to bet that thereís stuff in your history that would benefit from an emotional examination and itís likely that these issues contribute to making you a little controlling of your wife (so that you can control how you feel about her). If you have any idea of what the issues might be and would like to air them here then please do.

The very best thing that you can do for her is the same thing that every parent can do for their kids, which is to lead by example; donít say it, do it. Get some counselling for yourself to help you to cope with the present situation and to understand the complexity of your reaction to it. This is much more likely to encourage her to do the same than you ìsupportingî her to do the same. Acknowledge that a marriage is a mutual responsibility and show the real leaderships that a woman wants from a man by taking action to prove it.

Iím sorry if this seems a little harsh. Itís not meant without sympathy. But with two kids and a family at stake, I think you need to be introduced to the bigger picture sooner rather than later. Youíll find itís much easier to cope once you do and in fact the potential benefits for all of you could be huge.

And rent the film. Itís quite well balanced to show the pain on both sides without making any judgements.

[Benjamin Fry]

B,

If you want more than what follows from Ozric's post then please start your own topic and I'll be happy to answer directly.

Generally though I'd say that therapy is an inner journey. Don't be deceived into thinking that all your problems are external. Let the changes be internal. If the external needs to change, it will but this should be an organic consequence of the innner work. Don't try to force it to be the other way round.

[Benjamin Fry]

You can register without revealing your identity. Even your e-mail address is unavailable to me. The system sends e-mails confidentially.

Is that ok for you, or would you like something more? Let me know and I can see what can be done.