I feel like a complete fraud writing this as most people on here have lost people who are close to them or gone through some horrible ordeal and I am just unhappy. The problem I have no idea why! I just cant seem to control my happiness one minute I am up on cloud nine laughing and joking and the next I am in floods of tears or having a screaming row with someone who means so much to me.
This all came to a head on Friday night when I was out for my Birthday and instead of focusing on all the friends that had turned up I couldn't get the feelking of being rejected by the others out of my head. I just felt depressed all night and ended up having a terrible row with my best friend and crying for most of the night. I don't know why I feel so negative all the time!!! I am so frustrated!
This feeling of negativity also extends to the way I view myself, sometimes I go through weeks of hating the way I look to the extent of avoiding anything reflective incase I catch a glimpse of myself. Again this I don't feel like this all the time it comes and goes I just don't understand.
On the outside it seems like I am really ungrateful for what I have but I don't take it for granted I just don't like what I see. I don't understand why I have all these bad feelings all the time I have everything anyone could want a wonderful boyfriend, a degree that is going really well, a loving home but I just don't feel happy in myself.
Please please please help me to learn to love myself more so I can start letting others do it!
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Why do I feel like this? Depression????
#2
Benjamin Fry 
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Posted 14 September 2004 - 03:30 PM
Letís try to look at the general issue through the specific example you give. Surrounded by friends you were depressed about the rejection that you perceived from the fact that some friends hadnít turned up. Firstly I think it is worth noting that it is not an indication of a problem if you are upset that someone does not arrive at your birthday party. Whilst Iím sure it was a casual arrangement there is nothing ìwrongî with being disappointed that some people donít come. The interesting thing is what you do with it from there.
Some people will note the disappointment and then after a few moments of this emotion move on to a new stimulus ñ like the fact that so many others are there to celebrate with you. You have taken this disappointment to heart and it has taken over your mood. You should also note that at this point you donít yet even know why some people are not there. You are assuming that they have ìrejectedî you. So you have made an assumption about your own personal worth and let this assumption cloud over all of the real positive messages of the evening.
This illustrates your mindset. You are prone to allow events to collaborate with an internal predisposition to be negative about yourself. Having discovered something real or imagined to be negative you canít let go of it. This indicates to me that you were set up to feel this way by other peopleís words or actions towards you when you were much younger. It may have been that you were teased and directly made to feel less than perfect, or it may be that you interpreted something else (like a father away at work) as a sign that you werenít worth being with. Whatever it was, it remains very much unresolved. That is why you find it wherever you can and why you cling onto it.
Unconsciously you are dying to resolve this emotional block (probably frozen in your system by the trauma mechanism). You have a good life and therefore your unconscious mind is saying that now is the time to move on from some of the threats in your past. Your present is safe enough to do this emotional work, whereas the past when these feelings were originated was not.
Could you speculate on anything in your childhood that might resonate with these feelings? Does anything come to mind? Donít worry if its not a logical connection. Usually our first association is the most accurate (and the one we most want to try to forget about!). Let me know if you like and we can see where you might need to do some emotional housekeeping to begin to relieve the burden that this emotional residue is placing on other situations.
You might also like to consider taking a medical opinion. You may be describing symptoms of manic-depression. This is a diagnosis that follows a chemical model of the mind. Iím not a big fan of these ideas (I think the chemicals come secondary to the emotions) but I could be wrong and an alternative opinion may be of use to you.
Some people will note the disappointment and then after a few moments of this emotion move on to a new stimulus ñ like the fact that so many others are there to celebrate with you. You have taken this disappointment to heart and it has taken over your mood. You should also note that at this point you donít yet even know why some people are not there. You are assuming that they have ìrejectedî you. So you have made an assumption about your own personal worth and let this assumption cloud over all of the real positive messages of the evening.
This illustrates your mindset. You are prone to allow events to collaborate with an internal predisposition to be negative about yourself. Having discovered something real or imagined to be negative you canít let go of it. This indicates to me that you were set up to feel this way by other peopleís words or actions towards you when you were much younger. It may have been that you were teased and directly made to feel less than perfect, or it may be that you interpreted something else (like a father away at work) as a sign that you werenít worth being with. Whatever it was, it remains very much unresolved. That is why you find it wherever you can and why you cling onto it.
Unconsciously you are dying to resolve this emotional block (probably frozen in your system by the trauma mechanism). You have a good life and therefore your unconscious mind is saying that now is the time to move on from some of the threats in your past. Your present is safe enough to do this emotional work, whereas the past when these feelings were originated was not.
Could you speculate on anything in your childhood that might resonate with these feelings? Does anything come to mind? Donít worry if its not a logical connection. Usually our first association is the most accurate (and the one we most want to try to forget about!). Let me know if you like and we can see where you might need to do some emotional housekeeping to begin to relieve the burden that this emotional residue is placing on other situations.
You might also like to consider taking a medical opinion. You may be describing symptoms of manic-depression. This is a diagnosis that follows a chemical model of the mind. Iím not a big fan of these ideas (I think the chemicals come secondary to the emotions) but I could be wrong and an alternative opinion may be of use to you.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#3
UnhappyK
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Posted 14 September 2004 - 04:20 PM
I was teaseed quite a lot when I was at school for my appearance as I had really bad teeth and braces from 7 until 16, I was also a late developer and so got teased for that, but I have changed so much since then but I suppose that is the unconcious thing again. I really want to get rid of all this negativity in my life so I can get on with it and start to make it up to my friend who I have hurt so badly because of all this insecurity that I have.
To be honest I wouldn't be comfortable with meidcines unless they really were the last resort. I have heard that St John's Wort and B-complexes are natural mood lifters would you recommend anything along these lines? I know that this isn't going to go away over night and really just want to get rid of all these demons that turn me into a totally different person when my self confidence and mood drops. I would really like to start counselling but am not sure where to start? or even if I could afford it! Or if I need it!
Thank you Ben just talking about the problem on this site has started me thinking about the more positive things in my life rather than the negative and how to start looking on the bright side!
To be honest I wouldn't be comfortable with meidcines unless they really were the last resort. I have heard that St John's Wort and B-complexes are natural mood lifters would you recommend anything along these lines? I know that this isn't going to go away over night and really just want to get rid of all these demons that turn me into a totally different person when my self confidence and mood drops. I would really like to start counselling but am not sure where to start? or even if I could afford it! Or if I need it!
Thank you Ben just talking about the problem on this site has started me thinking about the more positive things in my life rather than the negative and how to start looking on the bright side!
#4
Benjamin Fry
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Posted 14 September 2004 - 04:35 PM
Well thatís quite a lot to deal with. Being teased throughout your entire school history and tricky adolescent development is a rough ride. And just because the braces have come off and the breasts decided to put in an appearance doesnít mean that you can just leave the hurt that this caused in the past.
You clearly identify your appearance as being something that worries you when you get depressed. Obviously these persistent negative messages from the past are why.
You should find that there are free counselling services available through your college and this would be a great way to start to reconnect with and discharge the feelings that you left frozen in your system from all those endless days of trying to put a brave face on the pain that this teasing was causing you.
If you donít want medication then you probably donít need it. Iím not qualified to discuss other mood changing substances and frankly donít really want to. For me its like ripping out the warning light on your dashboard and thinking that the problem is now fixed. Better to change the oil, I think.
Just remember that the negativity that you experience has been internalised from others. It originated in the narrow minds of people who wished to denigrate you for being different. It was their fear that they then passed onto you. Unfortunately you were young and vulnerable and didnít have the internal emotional boundaries to cope. Now that you are older and more confident in other ways, you should be able to reconnect emotionally with that time and redo the rejection of otherís negativity that a well adjusted adult could have done in the face of the same experiences.
You clearly identify your appearance as being something that worries you when you get depressed. Obviously these persistent negative messages from the past are why.
You should find that there are free counselling services available through your college and this would be a great way to start to reconnect with and discharge the feelings that you left frozen in your system from all those endless days of trying to put a brave face on the pain that this teasing was causing you.
If you donít want medication then you probably donít need it. Iím not qualified to discuss other mood changing substances and frankly donít really want to. For me its like ripping out the warning light on your dashboard and thinking that the problem is now fixed. Better to change the oil, I think.
Just remember that the negativity that you experience has been internalised from others. It originated in the narrow minds of people who wished to denigrate you for being different. It was their fear that they then passed onto you. Unfortunately you were young and vulnerable and didnít have the internal emotional boundaries to cope. Now that you are older and more confident in other ways, you should be able to reconnect emotionally with that time and redo the rejection of otherís negativity that a well adjusted adult could have done in the face of the same experiences.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#5
samantha
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Posted 16 September 2004 - 10:51 PM
I can really relate to your feelings that you are having. My mother physically abused me as a child and I can not let go of those feelings. I always say to others around me that I know I am a good person and that I know I deserve someone to be good to me, but when I find someone...I realize that I really don't beleive that at all. I am dating a wonder guy right now who will probably be the one that I marry someday. My problem is that he comes from a very passive, and loving family. He has no idea why I "flip out" about the things that I do. I am so afraid that I am going to scare him off. He tells me all the time that he loves me and the person that I am, but he wishes that I would not get mad so often about things. I don't really know how to deal with this, and in fact, it adds to my anxiety levels which creates a snowball effect. At times I just feel crazy and that I am not ment to be with anyone - ever! I want to know that this is not true, but I just cant help myself from feeling this way. You asked about taking medications. I recently got on an anti-depressent. It helped put things into perspective for me. I mean it made the small ordeals small again, and the bigger problems...well, just a problem. It helped me to realize that no matter what happens, it's gonna work itself out, whether I worrie about it or not. Hope that I have helped you in some way. You have helped me by sharing your feelings online.
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