[evie]

hi, hello,
reading some of the other notes, my problems seem a bit daft. i don't think i'm particulary depressed- things are going well in my life, i have a loving partner and i'm going back to university to do an MA and its all good. i have this problem though, where i find it almost impossible to communicate about my emotions. obviosly this is quite straining on my relationship with my boyfriend- we have been going out for 5 years and love each other alot, but its always been his complaint that i don't tell him what's on my mind. he worries that i don't let him know when i'm pissed off with him. it's mainly because i physically can't. i get angry and go red in the face and very quiet, and i know i'm upset, but i can't get the words out of my head in any meaningful way.
at the moment im feeling a bit bananas because i have all sorts of unsaid arguments and troubles that i can't tell my boyfriend about, even though i realy do want to. do you think this is the kind of problem some sort of councelling might help wit? or should i just acept that i am emotionally inept and get on with it!
thanks
evie

[marina]

Have you tried expressing yourself on paper? You might find things start to flow a lot easier that way.

I also find music and dance good outlets.

[crystal]

Maybe you aren't quite sure what the problem is because it hurts too much to define.

Your partner sounds quite caring actually - not all men would worry because you didn't tell them what was wrong!

Maybe you could put the real problems aside and start with a small complaint about life in general to your partner. See how that feels to talk about and then maybe work your way up the complaints list very gradually over time, to what's really getting to you.

[Benjamin Fry]

Communication, particularly in relationships, is a particularly good and emotionally healthy activity. We can all often be very bad at it. This is usually the result of learning some adverse consequences of communication when we were younger. For example if you were yelled at by your parents whenever you got angry at the age of two, you would have learned through fear to keep your mouth shut. Your survival instinct would have over-ruled your emotional expression ñ hence perhaps the feeling that you are ìphysicallyî prevented from speaking.

A great way to overcome this would be to find a safe way to begin to unpack your feelings. It might be that you could write them down and ask your boyfriend to reply in the same way. It might be to organise a time to sit calmly at opposite sides of the room and go through some listening exercises ñ this would involve you speaking, and him simply repeating what you have said to show that he has heard it. Although this may seem a little artificial and daft, youíd be surprised how effective it can be. You can reciprocate by offering him the same.

Counselling would certainly be a great way to start to both practise some emotional expression and also to begin to look into the origins of your repression. You are not emotionally inept. You have just been trained to look that way because it once suited someone elseís own emotional difficulties.