[Trying]

Dear Ben,

(Kind of following on from your response to a previous topic "If the only way out is through" posted by Jo1)

So what you seem to be saying about processing difficult emotion is, to quote a popular self-help book: "feel the fear and do it anyway". This is what it all comes down to doesn't it? Facing your fear, even though it scares the living crap out of you.

I think that's the bad news for people like me, or anyone else seeking help. The good news is you CAN change, but the bad news is there's always the possibility that you'll never change because, after all, you may never choose to face your fears. It's 50/50 in the end - when we're writhing round on the floor in agony convinced we're a lost cause, this isn't because we really believe there's no answer for us, but rather because we're scared that we ourselves will never find the courage to do what we actually know full well we have to do. We're scared because what we have to do is always going to be scary!!!

So where do we run? We run to self-help, agony aunts, problem pages, medication, meditation, yoga, hypnotherapy... whatever might help make it easier. But THAT'S the mistake isn't it Ben? The same fear that kept us from learning before - that made us run away - is the same fear that drives us forever toward therapy and an easy way out. We all want the easy way out because who in their right mind wants to be frightened? Unfortunately, though, the fear way out is the ONLY way out. Yes, it's an old cliche, but though our cliches lose their punch through overuse, they still contain the greatest truths.

I also think labelling ourselves "depressed", "anxious", "socially phobic" or whatever is fear avoidance. If we can convince ourselves we are "ill" we can cling to the hope that something can "cure" us. But more often than not we are probably not ill at all; we just haven't learned what others have about the things that scare us. We haven't learned that they are not scary once you know how to do them.

My own problem is shyness and social fears - particularly, not surprisingly, involving girls. So, surprise surprise, I'm an unhappy young man because I'm crap at getting girls. OK, there are many other areas of my life similarly affected, but most shy men would know what I'm talking about. It's just something that I've never learned to navigate my way through. People say everyone goes through that sort of fear, so where was it I couldn't find the courage to battle on? Is there something fundamental lacking in my character? So here I am stuck at the crossing, 25 with the relationship experience of a 6 year old. I know I cannot buy this confidence and experience 2nd hand, because that wouldn't fit the definition OF experience! It's only ever going to be messy, and terrifying and embarrassing, but perhaps that's the only true therapy out there.

Please don't turn round and say, "there's more to happiness than relationships you know..." which I've been told a thousand times before! The point is, it's still important, and ultimately a reflection of how one approaches everything else in their life.

PS: Here I am going on about more of my issues, without mentioning the fact that I've also found your replies to my previous posts fascinating and tremendously helpful. I liked your point "if it upsets you, do it again" so much that I've stuck the quote on my bedroom door, on both sides so I see it before I go to bed and before I go out for the day!

[ray]

Trying,
So true are your words!
But, unfortunately for us males without women, there is more to life than relationships, but we don't care we want a relationship and thats it! Why cant I have a relationship with a beautiful young inetelligent woman? Confidence in ourselves, something both you and I seem to lack and so too many other young men, but not all, why?
Strange how you can produce a page full of words on this site with no problems and without any fear of being made a fool of. It is so easy to do you just did it,with outstanding displays of an intelligent person, without a doubt! I don't have much social confidence yet I can still write here. Anonimity, its easy to hide behind an internet connection, isn't it? Is this what we resort to for "cure"?
Why cant we have the same abilities to produce all of these words when it comes to meerting women?
I don't know the anwers, I scan these pages for the answers like you say "we run to... problem pages, medication, meditation... whatever might help make it easier."
Always looking for the easy answers to the toughest of situations, are we weak, lazy, stupid? Anything for a cheap "cure"
We are not ill, I believe that. We are shy. Everyone is different, we have to accept our shyness, and somehow try to retrain our interpersonal skills to achieve a higher rate of success on the social scene.
I don't know anymore, I know how you are feeling Trying although.
Desesitization, keep facing the fear until you are over it, if that is the answer then yes it is difficult and scary.
I would like to know what Bens opinion is, Why is Ben so much more confident than you and me? What do confident men have that we don't, it can't be much can it?
Ray.

[Benjamin Fry]

You appear to have answered your own question re relationships: if it upsets you do it again! There is no relationships without risk, and the first risk you have to face is that of actually seeking one. It is a difficult skill to learn without practice and (as you have noticed) difficult to practice when you lack the skills.

The good news is that you only need one person to want to be with you in order to start practicing life in a new relationship. Thatís one out of many, many possibilities. The bad news is that it is a social truth that we are attracted to alpha males and females. Generally speaking in the animal kingdom, one guy gets all the girls and the rest get nothing. Weíre not much different, so if you are somewhere down the scale of animal attraction you have to accept that life is not a Calvin Klein advert.

Fear and relationships is a great two-handed topic. You are right to identify fear as the base of all of our ìissuesî, many of which get medicalised or labelled. And you are right again that often the only way past this fear is through it (hence the enduring success of that book). I hope that by understanding ìwhatís wrong with youî this fear is lessened, thereby making the process less difficult. It has been my own experience that if something makes sense to me then I am less afraid of it, even if it is experienced as just as difficult. On my web-site I draw the analogy to a magicianís trick: it is much more alarming if you donít know how it is done.

Relationships are a great way to learn about the risk and reward of fear. When we start to mix our emotional states with another, it unearths a great deal of emotion. These emotions can be frightening, and this is often why we find a cover story to avoid relationships (maybe you do this?). However the reward of persevering with relationships can be to give you the emotional nourishment to cope with your feelings and fears ñ relationships are an important part of happiness, if only for this reason alone. Thus what creates more fear can help you to overcome it. But it is a rocky road, strewn with potential pitfalls.

So if you are crap at ìgetting girlsî, perhaps you could rephrase the issue. Girls donít tend to like being ìgotî. They like being related to. If you develop an openness to emotional issues and find the courage to share this with the fairer sex, you may find you get an interesting reaction. Start trying to relate to women. Try to locate what scares you about this and instead of reacting against it, push through it and share it with others. Not all women can be with the coolest guy in town. The rest are looking for someone to be with that at least they can communicate with. You should have no trouble being that guy, if you are prepared to risk the fear of doing soÖ

[Trying]

I find it difficult to apply practical advice because of my scaredy-cat unconscious. It seems to be king-pin, not me. My unconscious is the problem, and I attempt to train it via feeding it positive thoughts. But every time I give my unconscious a pep-talk, I actually KNOW deep down that I don't believe it. This is a conundrum for unconfident people - or rather, people who don't like themselves. If you just don't like yourself, every positive thought you try to use is BORN of this fundamental dislike of yourself. This is completely different to someone who likes and trusts themselves. We talk about the unconscious like it's this profound, spiritual place, but it isn't really that at all. It is simply the place where habits and beliefs are formed. You can't trick it, because it is stubborn and wants evidence.

Is there a more spiritual way of thinking (or not thinking?!) about oneself? I'm not talking about God or anything, but rather the way a bird or even a tree might think about itself!!! Sure, we are not birds or trees, but they are wise in a way that has nothing to do with intelligence or 'knowing', aren't they? There have been some recent developments in my therapy sessions built along these lines, but I have a problem interpreting what he means for me to do. Do I need to DO anything? He made the interesting point that one's continual failure to sort out their problems by doing confidence courses, reading self-help books and what have you is a clear signal that, from a certain point of view, you don't actually have any problems - at least not in the areas you think you do. I have done a couple of confidence courses which claimed they would change me, and they didn't work. But perhaps that was actually because they couldn't work. I don't actually want to BE changed - I want to LIKE MYSELF!

Maybe by doing all these things I don't actually need to do, it may eventually lead me to an answer. I realised to myself, now if I made a happy, confident, assertive person wake up tomorrow morning with all my doubts and fears, they most probably wouldn't know what on earth to do either! My inability to help myself is one of the most human things about me. There's always the chance I'll get it wrong, so what is so blindingly obvious that I don't get, or see or believe about myself? Is it a 'feeling', a 'state of consciousness', or just a set of habits that seperates people who love themselves from people who don't?

[Benjamin Fry]

We all love ourselves, but this love can get buried beneath negative messages. We hang onto this negativity though the emotional residue that we hang onto (because of trauma). You are right that this therefore sits in our unconscious. But also in our unconscious mind is the awareness of this and the skill to find our way past it. It is our conscious mind that sabotages this by resisting the thawing of these frozen emotions (because it doesnít understand them).

You have a lot of conscious mind activity going on! How about seeing if you can mine some of the precious jewels of your wise and loving unconscious mind. Have you tried any yoga or meditation? You can often find through these ancient spiritual practices a route to discovering a glimpse or two of your deepest, loving self. Thus the more spiritual way of thinking is to think less. Be more in the moment and let go of the emotions that are backed up in your system. This will then automatically reveal your self-loving nature and everything else gets better with it.