[ray]

Hi all,
I have self confidence problem,I am 29 years old. I was married, divorced recently. I have gone through a traumatic period and now i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I had a lot more self confidence when i was married, I could talk to people if i wanted to if i went out in a social situation. It is the complete opposite these days, I go out in the evenings when I get the time but i can not even stike up the smallest conversation with anyone in the pub/club or anywhere.
I have been a night shift worker for the past couple of years and this is as i believe a partial cause of my failed marriage amongst other things. In the past 12 months or so have been consuming my spare time by doing extra shifts at work, basically if i am not at work on my nights off then i am at home on my own or driving around town looking for somewhere to socialize with somebody-anybody!
I dont know where to turn to find the me again inside.
I suppose so many of us have gotten to the point where we wonder where to turn next, I have no one to talk to about my life at the moment, this is so common for men isn't it? We just don't have the same way of communicating as women. I want to be as free and open as I want but it does not work for me.
Does anyone know how I can approach new friends and possible relationships with some confidence, I couldn't feel any lonelier at this point???

[Delh2]

Just a few thoughts:

Volunteer somewhere that interests you, like an animal shelter, or retirement home, or a school

Join some kind of organized group, like those who play the same games like chess or backgammon.

Join a religious group...they have many organized social events and you don't necessarily have to be deeply religious.

Join a gym and go every day or so. It's very social and you will have things in common with the other members.

I hope these suggestions might be appealing in some way.

[nola]

Hey Ray..it's NOLA the one with the new guy issues.

I went through something similar that you're going through now, but this is what worked for me. I found some volunteer work that I truly enjoyed doing, and I put my whole self into it. It wasn't exactly a charitable organization, but a fledgeling record company that needed help. I had a great time helping out and I met lots of nice people, and I got to go to all the shows for free.

Everyone was really amazed how I came out of my shell. I really believed in this company, and that that they're music talent would make it someday. I had a really fun time, and made new friends.

Find something you believe in...if either helping people out, or finding a way to volunteer at fun events. I also started helping out with a local fundraiser, I was doing something good for the community, and having a good time.

Put yourself out there, (and stop working so much overtime...you need time for yourself) you'll find that there are a lot of nice people out there, with the same interests as you.

[Benjamin Fry]

Think about what you respond to in anther person. Think about the qualities that you might associate with another person who had confidence. Now consider this statement: ìI have no one to talk to about my life at the moment, this is so common for men isn't it? We just don't have the same way of communicating as women. I want to be as free and open as I want but it does not work for me.î

Iím sorry but donít buy it. I think that there are people who you could talk to but you donít because you donít think that they want to hear it. That is what you are deciding for ìmenî. Iím a man, so why are you talking to me? You say you want to be free and open but it doesnít work for you. However I thin that you realise that if you could be free and open then you would be projecting a more confident persona in a way. You might be more vulnerable, but at the same time more real, more strong and more interesting. Women really do warm to a man that is comfortable with his sensitive side. And many men also think like you. It is only because all of them are thinking that each other canít communicate that there is no communication going on.

Usually itís true that when there is something that canít be said, nothing can be said. I suspect that you have fallen into this trap. Maybe when you are in a social situation what you really want to say is how much you miss your wife and regret your divorce, and how much this hurts. If thatís the case, then you can. Whatever it is that you are holding back on, let it out. Then the rest of you can follow. You can start here if you like.

[Delh2]

Amen to that. But you will still have to be the first to reach out to others now.
Take that first step...friendships will follow.

[ray]

Thanks all, I know what your saying is right. I don't have a hang up that makes me regret my failures in marriage, but I feel it has really knocked my confidence down. I will be out there trying to get involved, don't you worry about that mate! I am just scared, I don't know what of but I will take your advice and be doing things to improve.
Ray.

[Mirella]

Hi Ray,

I just read your post and I wanted to give you also my positive energy. Of course the after-divorce period is a hard one but it is not the end of your life.It's good that you are calculating the "mistakes" because in that way you improve yourself. But don't regret for your mistakes!!! through them we become wiser.
Don't be scared of the people around you. Maybe someone around you has the same problem as you do, but you'll never find out because you can't talk to him/her. Socialize through volunteer as a friend advised or with your neighbours. There are many people out there, so go for it.
Put your best smile and don't be afraid that nobody will care about you. Someone is out there waiting for you.
Hope everything works out for you well!!!!

[Delh2]

Someone recently wrote a book called It's Not About Me, and it may be helpful i someway. It encourages you to focus on others, rather than yourself at this time, whatever your inner concerns are. Drawbacks are that it has a religious theme. However, the premise is valid.

Pet therapy is miraculous. If you have a pet, get out and walk the pet, play with the pet, or just give the pet more attention than you are giving yourself. If you don't have a pet, go buy one, or adopt one from a shelter. You'll be amazed what caring for another creature may do for your spirits. This will also put a routine back into your daily activities. Can't forget to feed our pets, can we? Unconditional love will be your reward.

Best wishes again.

[ray]

Thanks guys, you have put a smile on my face. Don't know where you are all from but its 7pm Melbourne time and i am not working tonight so I have to go now and get ready to go out and meet the rest of the world.
Ray.

[Delh2]

Well, I don't know what time it is there now, but here in Orlando, Florida it's about 4:30pm, so I hope you had a rather social evening last night. Congratulations for taking that very scary first step. Now, you have to do it again and again to make this a "plan." Go for it.

[Delh2]

Well, Ray, how are things going now? I am thinking about you either living it up or hiding in your home again. Let us know how things are going now.

[Delh2]

Maybe a personal experience will make you laugh:

I do not like to go to big shopping malls or big stores. I'd rather order online to avoid all of those people.

However, last week I forced myself to go to the biggest fabric store in Orlando to look at upholstery materials. I gave up and went home and just decided to give away the sofa so I wouldn't have to go back to the store and make a decision.

After a good night's sleep, I have decided to bravely go back there today and buy the 12 yards of fabric after all. Now why am I giving you advice?

[ray]

Hi Dehl2,
I think i understand your rhetoric, I have been going out occasionally. Spent some time with family today.
Been going out with a friend lately,but I really need to meet the new ones out there, some people are just not the best of company and we all know that. I don't need people putting negative thoughts in my head.
Why were you telling me about your experience??... I think you were trying to tell me that after some time to think it is easier to make a decision regardless of the subject. I believe I have the confidence to easily make such decisions on what i think are relatively small decisions, but on the bigger ones I tend to make mistakes or don't have the confidence to make a strong decision.
I live in a reasonably busy city, with lots of people around yet so many of us are detatched from each other on a community level, unlike the life of a person from a small town where there us always a lot more open and friendly people, maybe people in the city are too self absorbed to reach out to the ones around?
Is 12 yards (10.97metres), ( I had to convet your measurements to metric to get the full story!) of fabric enough to do the job you want? Always make sure you buy enough to do the job properly!
I like big shopping malls although, there is always lots of different people to see and I love to buy stuff for me to make me feel good, and one day when my confidence and self esteem is high enough , there's always a chance to meet people there.
How are you going anyway? When do you get to go back to your even better job?
I've never bought anything online, I haven't taken the technology into my arms with enough love yet!

[Delh2]

Hi Ray,
I understand what you are saying. To make this short, I started my better job, and actually easier job, over a week ago, and for the same pay! It's going great and thanks for asking.
My thing about buying the fabric is two-fold: making a decision I will have to live with for a few years and being around so many people at one time...and choosing from, oh, about 300 different patterns. Too overwhelming.
If you have a computer, or have a friend with a computer, sign up with www.match.com and you will be greatly rewarded with a choice of people who are compatible with your interests and who look the way you find appealing. And you find the other people in your specific area who want to meet people with your traits and interests. It's a pretty long process, taking personality tests, physical appearance tests, and filling in your interests, likes and dislikes, etc. However, it is a very safe and comfortable way to meet people who you already know you have something as to similar tastes, lifestyles, etc. Then you can arrange to chat by e-mail, phone, or meet in person. I highly recommend it in lieu of just dropping into a bar, for example. There is a monthly fee but you can just try one month to see how it goes. I know many professional people who use this site to choose their prospective dates. It is not like putting an ad in a local newspaper and ending up with a serial killer on your doorstep.
I am glad you are getting out. Embrace that technology as soon as possible.
You can save a lot of gasoline, time, and energy, because it's all delivered to your door...no matter what...Sometimes they offer free shipping as well, so you save the postage fee also.
12 yards of fabric, 60 inches wide, will cover my small loveseat adequately, so the upholsterer told me. You're so kind to give me this advice. I feel more confident already. The drawback of ordering this fabric online is that there is at least a two week wait for a special order like this. Better to drive to the store.
Have some fun tonight, whatever time that is in Melbourne, and take a friend to a comedy improv club for some great laughs. It's about 5 pm here in Florida.
I'll be hoping for the best for you. And thanks for responding.

[ray]

Hi Delh2,
60 inches??? Do you mean 1524millimetres?
Great to hear that you are enjoying your new job, we have to like the work we do, we all seem to spend enough time there don't we.
Next year if you are confident you have done a good job make an effort to push for better pay, every year is a gradual improvement on where we have been in the past.
My thoughts on the fabric is a bit different, I tend not to look too far ahead, I want to enjoy now and worry about the future when it gets here. Pick the colour/color, pattern you like on impulse and go with it, don't worry about the other 299 you didn't see. If you don't like it in a year well your investment in some cool fabric has paid off. Buy another different fabric, every year you can have an up to date looking "love seat" every year. This depends on the cost of doing such absurd changes but it could be fun anyway.
And second of all, being around all those people, they are just like you, what makes them better than you? nothing at all!! You are the most important person in the shop as far as you should be concerned, go there and think of youself.
I only use my work computer for net access, I wonder if my employer loves my waste of his time, who cares! I have recently used the internet intro siteswith not a lot of success when it comes to decent individuals. I am sick of doing it that way ,I want to get to meet the good ones, intelligent ones, is it too much to ask? I wonder sometimes. I have been looking for volunteer work as you told me to a while ago, I think you are right it is a good way to meet new friends and possible partners.
I should use the internet buying, we pay about $1.00-$1.10 per litre for petrol here, that would be $4.00 a gallon roughly inyour part of the world. I don't know, I would rather get out there and buy it, no waiting, buy now and get it now, I like to operate that way at the moment.
Anyway back at work 6pm start, finnish early tonight, then a couple of nights off. Then lots of long shifts ahead as the Olympics starts, we will be doing extra papers for the footage of our elite athletes winning gold, and maybe some of yours...is that an encouragement for us all to stop smoking...and start exercising?
Have a wonderful day/night.