You're moving on now, he's holding you back...just trust yourself and focus on yourself and yr child
Keep in touch
Is it me? Looking for love!!
#18
marina 
- Advanced Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 53
- Joined: 16-July 04
Posted 21 February 2005 - 10:03 AM
Thanks for your support.
It is difficult to let go and believe that I will find someone special.
In reality I havent really had much with this person, but somehow he manages to put me in touch with my pain.
He is unjust and unfair and that makes me angry.
He says he is a nice bloke and criticises me. This hurts too and makes me feel guilt and shame for being me.
He says he doesn't want stress yet he has dumped all his problems of his from his other relationship on me - casting me into the role of 'fixer' - I have been there before and at least I can recognize a pattern and examine my need to help and fix others.
What does he do that is special? We cuddle and that is nice of course and I enjoy sex with him. It is nice to have company as I live just with my son and am very isolated.
I guess there is a lot of blame here and it is not logical that someone I have not had that much to do with - I havent seen him since September - can cause me so much pain. Therefore it is logical to conclude that he puts me in touch with my feelings...and stored pain.
I have visited another site www.coping.org which is helping me unravel some of the emotions which are arising. I still find this site extremely useful as I can just let out what I am thinking and that helps.
These emotions I am facing are very painful and it is not all about him, but he is the catalyst in this situation...Lucky him!!
I have still not resolved my pain and feel it in my body around the chest and lung area. It is good to draw it out, but not pleasant. It seems to take me ages each day to tackle everyday tasks and I am struggling with my job and keeping myself afloat financially.
I want so much to be free of this pain and to live a happy life, but its like I am having to go through a dark tunnel to reach the sunlight at the end. Thank you for your support in these moments of darkness.
It is difficult to let go and believe that I will find someone special.
In reality I havent really had much with this person, but somehow he manages to put me in touch with my pain.
He is unjust and unfair and that makes me angry.
He says he is a nice bloke and criticises me. This hurts too and makes me feel guilt and shame for being me.
He says he doesn't want stress yet he has dumped all his problems of his from his other relationship on me - casting me into the role of 'fixer' - I have been there before and at least I can recognize a pattern and examine my need to help and fix others.
What does he do that is special? We cuddle and that is nice of course and I enjoy sex with him. It is nice to have company as I live just with my son and am very isolated.
I guess there is a lot of blame here and it is not logical that someone I have not had that much to do with - I havent seen him since September - can cause me so much pain. Therefore it is logical to conclude that he puts me in touch with my feelings...and stored pain.
I have visited another site www.coping.org which is helping me unravel some of the emotions which are arising. I still find this site extremely useful as I can just let out what I am thinking and that helps.
These emotions I am facing are very painful and it is not all about him, but he is the catalyst in this situation...Lucky him!!
I have still not resolved my pain and feel it in my body around the chest and lung area. It is good to draw it out, but not pleasant. It seems to take me ages each day to tackle everyday tasks and I am struggling with my job and keeping myself afloat financially.
I want so much to be free of this pain and to live a happy life, but its like I am having to go through a dark tunnel to reach the sunlight at the end. Thank you for your support in these moments of darkness.
#19 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 21 February 2005 - 01:08 PM
I think you missed our point: get rid of him and focus on you and your child.
It sounds as if you cannot focus on anything but having a man in your life. Forgive me if I am reading your message incorrectly. I mean no offense.
We wish you only the best. We have been there, done that, and bought the tee-shirt, if you know what I mean. Now get on with your NEW life. :-)
It sounds as if you cannot focus on anything but having a man in your life. Forgive me if I am reading your message incorrectly. I mean no offense.
We wish you only the best. We have been there, done that, and bought the tee-shirt, if you know what I mean. Now get on with your NEW life. :-)
#21
marina
- Advanced Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 53
- Joined: 16-July 04
Posted 21 February 2005 - 01:48 PM
Thanks, but I am rid of him. I am just dealing with the emotions he churned up. We were not really in a relationship and I have been on my own for 3 and a half years now. My problem is my difficulty in having a relationship. I am 31 years old and it is quite normal to want a companion in life. If you read my first post from last year it is about how I would like to have a relationship but become exposed to all these difficulties and repressed emotions in the process. They are the problem. I am alright on my own. I have my own house, I look after my son, I have a career but I am also human and long to connect to someone on an emotional/spiritual as well as physical level. Why should other people have someone to love in life and not me?
Thank you for your support. We have all been there and experienced disappointment in romantic love, but it doesn't stop us wishing to find the love that we need in life. But I get what you are saying, this man hasn't got the love I wish for. I am just scared of repeating this pattern with someone else. Hence I wish to understand the deeper issues here.
Thank you for your support. We have all been there and experienced disappointment in romantic love, but it doesn't stop us wishing to find the love that we need in life. But I get what you are saying, this man hasn't got the love I wish for. I am just scared of repeating this pattern with someone else. Hence I wish to understand the deeper issues here.
#22 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 21 February 2005 - 03:57 PM
We are the only ones who can make ourselves unhappy or happy. No one can make us unhappy without our permission.
Good luck with your inner search. I wish you only the best.
Thank you for your explanation. It really showed that you are searching for answers.
Good luck with your inner search. I wish you only the best.
Thank you for your explanation. It really showed that you are searching for answers.
#23 Guest_someone_*
Posted 23 February 2005 - 04:41 AM
Marina,
Follow you heart.
I have so much respect for you and your post alone shows that you have some amazing qualities. Dont settle for anything less that you truely desserve. A heart must be open in order to receive that which it gives.
Every bad experience can bring something good.
There will always be others trying to take advantage of someone elses emotions, from experience of past you have learnt that you have the choice to accept it or not.
I am a single mum. I wished it hadnt taken me so bloody long to realise that I do and did have a choice, not always the best ones but I did. Everything we do reflects back at us through our kids, what we learn as kids we try change as adults.
Nobody can truely comprehend the emotional and mental pain of an individual who is at the edge of being in life. We can only try understand from our own pain. I know I believed and felt that I would of be able to give my daughter a better life without me (long story) its a battle that takes all your strength hoping that somehow, or someone can give you that bigger picture than what you can only see.
Marina, you father couldnt find where to see the bigger picture of choices. Use the past to give u strength to fight for that you believe, for your son. Dont let them take that from you.
I wish you all the best and lots of happiness xx
Follow you heart.
I have so much respect for you and your post alone shows that you have some amazing qualities. Dont settle for anything less that you truely desserve. A heart must be open in order to receive that which it gives.
Every bad experience can bring something good.
There will always be others trying to take advantage of someone elses emotions, from experience of past you have learnt that you have the choice to accept it or not.
I am a single mum. I wished it hadnt taken me so bloody long to realise that I do and did have a choice, not always the best ones but I did. Everything we do reflects back at us through our kids, what we learn as kids we try change as adults.
Nobody can truely comprehend the emotional and mental pain of an individual who is at the edge of being in life. We can only try understand from our own pain. I know I believed and felt that I would of be able to give my daughter a better life without me (long story) its a battle that takes all your strength hoping that somehow, or someone can give you that bigger picture than what you can only see.
Marina, you father couldnt find where to see the bigger picture of choices. Use the past to give u strength to fight for that you believe, for your son. Dont let them take that from you.
I wish you all the best and lots of happiness xx
#24
marina
- Advanced Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 53
- Joined: 16-July 04
Posted 28 February 2005 - 12:11 PM
Well for once I thought I'd add a reply when I am feeling happy, positive and confident about the future.
I have resolved some of the conflicts I have been having with my partner - we are going to try again. He has not been violent towards me so I can forgive him. Some of the things he exposed to me were painful truths that I had to accept for myself - not his fault. I have worked my way through some difficult emotions and I am grateful that they are out of my system now. There may be more unresolved issues from my past but at least I am getting through them.
Last week I was painting a bleak picture of my partner and not thinking about the good things that I am attracted to - thats just the way I was seeing things at the time. Whether things will work out in the long run for us or not I do not know, but whatever happens, I am learning to be less selfish, I am allowing myself to experience my emotions and trying to understand them and I am hoping whatever happens that I can be stronger and wiser from all of this. I do hope I can lead a happier and more fulfilling life and that does involve letting someone in emotionally. This is scary as I have shut the door on alot of my emotions and experiences. So I have to let myself back in first!! And maybe I need to drop the baggage that I have been carrying around. Once it has gone, it has gone and whether this man will be my life long partner or not, I won't be carrying all this baggage around with me because he has taught me (inadvertently!) to let go and has made me realise that I will never be happy carrying other peoples crap.
Thanks for all your replies as they have helped me through a difficult time.
I have resolved some of the conflicts I have been having with my partner - we are going to try again. He has not been violent towards me so I can forgive him. Some of the things he exposed to me were painful truths that I had to accept for myself - not his fault. I have worked my way through some difficult emotions and I am grateful that they are out of my system now. There may be more unresolved issues from my past but at least I am getting through them.
Last week I was painting a bleak picture of my partner and not thinking about the good things that I am attracted to - thats just the way I was seeing things at the time. Whether things will work out in the long run for us or not I do not know, but whatever happens, I am learning to be less selfish, I am allowing myself to experience my emotions and trying to understand them and I am hoping whatever happens that I can be stronger and wiser from all of this. I do hope I can lead a happier and more fulfilling life and that does involve letting someone in emotionally. This is scary as I have shut the door on alot of my emotions and experiences. So I have to let myself back in first!! And maybe I need to drop the baggage that I have been carrying around. Once it has gone, it has gone and whether this man will be my life long partner or not, I won't be carrying all this baggage around with me because he has taught me (inadvertently!) to let go and has made me realise that I will never be happy carrying other peoples crap.
Thanks for all your replies as they have helped me through a difficult time.
Posted 28 February 2005 - 11:34 PM
#26 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 01 March 2005 - 12:13 AM
marina, on Feb 19 2005, 11:01 AM, said:
This boyfriend is ambivalent and hot and cold, putting me down one minute and saying how much he fancies me the next. This is not a loving relationship and is emotionally abusive. He is not prepared to talk through things and would rather just blame others. I took on all his guilt and I had done nothing wrong.
[QUOTE
[SIZE=7][COLOR=blue][B]
Well, ok. But let's not forget how you felt last week. Situations have a habit of repeating themselves. Have you read Benjamin's book??
All the best
Sky
#27 Guest_Guest_*
Posted 17 March 2005 - 08:25 PM
Listen to that little voice inside you.You deserve and are worthy of much better treatment.You have to close one door to open another.If you are so desperate for love get a puppy or find a new hobby..........anything that wont hurt you in which ever way.
It is so hard,butif you dont do anything about it,you have to put up with the bad treatment,and you only have yourself to blame.
Look at all the good you are and do,and never accept less,you are too good for that!
xx
It is so hard,butif you dont do anything about it,you have to put up with the bad treatment,and you only have yourself to blame.
Look at all the good you are and do,and never accept less,you are too good for that!
xx
#28 Guest_someone_*
Posted 30 March 2005 - 01:34 AM
Hello Marina,
I just read you post dated 28th Feb 2005 and being its now a month later I just was wondering (I'm being nosey) how things have been.
I do truely hope that this past month has been much more happier than ever before especially for you and your son.
Please let us know how you are x
I just read you post dated 28th Feb 2005 and being its now a month later I just was wondering (I'm being nosey) how things have been.
I do truely hope that this past month has been much more happier than ever before especially for you and your son.
Please let us know how you are x
#29
marina
- Advanced Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 53
- Joined: 16-July 04
Posted 05 April 2005 - 09:03 AM
Well thanks for your interest. I would like to report a happy ending here. Love conquered all etc. But alas this is real life! Well our last 5 weeks have been really intense and fraught with diffficulties. As soon as he moved in with me, half of me didn't really want him there and I was pushing him away. There were lots of things I was unhappy about with him. But I am really glad I got to find out what he was really like. I am disappointed that he wasn't what I thought he was, that I mistook the intense feelings that he arouses in me for genuine love and affection. Don't get me wrong I do care about him very much and maybe I love him and we were affectionate towards each other, but also we were both very insecure and abusive towards each other and spent nearly five weeks with arguing most days and there was some really awful screaming and shouting.
It is now over and this time for good. It is a shame because I wanted to be with him so badly for so long now. But the reality was he was a nightmare!! He wasn't working and was hanging around me all the time - when I was trying to get on with my work and clear my debts etc. He was very critical of me. He was also over-sensitive, and would react to very small things in a really big way. He does have a lot of problems. He was making me feel really insecure and unhappy. It is good to have my house back although there are some parts of him that I will miss.
Anyway at least there has been an end to this. As one door closes, another one opens. Maybe on an emotional level I have moved on. I have expressed a lot of emotion, good and bad, so hopefully this will not repeat itself with someone else. I have had relationships in the past that have not been like this so there is no need to think this will happen again.
It is now over and this time for good. It is a shame because I wanted to be with him so badly for so long now. But the reality was he was a nightmare!! He wasn't working and was hanging around me all the time - when I was trying to get on with my work and clear my debts etc. He was very critical of me. He was also over-sensitive, and would react to very small things in a really big way. He does have a lot of problems. He was making me feel really insecure and unhappy. It is good to have my house back although there are some parts of him that I will miss.
Anyway at least there has been an end to this. As one door closes, another one opens. Maybe on an emotional level I have moved on. I have expressed a lot of emotion, good and bad, so hopefully this will not repeat itself with someone else. I have had relationships in the past that have not been like this so there is no need to think this will happen again.
#30
marina
- Advanced Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 53
- Joined: 16-July 04
Posted 20 November 2006 - 11:29 PM
Well here I am again. Just reading through some of my posts from over 2 years ago. Was I really so hung up on that one person? Well the answer is yes. It is here on the internet for all to see. Have I moved on ..... Yes and No.... Yes I have moved on from that particular guy and came to terms with the end of that relationship....Have I found happiness in love? No. Have I moved on in terms of types of men I attract? Or rather men I am attracted to? Am not sure. A recent brief but intense relationship has lead to depression....again.... and I havent suffered from depression since Sept 05. I am taking anti-depressants again, but feel I do need them and 2 months on am feeling a lot better. I have also done a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy specifically aimed at low self-esteem. This has been brilliant and has really helped me. I would really recommend CBT to help anyone take control of their own minds. It is a brilliant tool and even though I have read loads of books over the last 20 years, I had never even read about CBT. Since doing the course and realising its value, I have bought several other books and will continue to use the methods described. Ok feeling our emotions is one thing, but we also need tools to help put them into perspective. Are some of these negative emotions actually unnecessary? I would say so. Once again I have been in touch with my pain.... Abandonment being the central issue here as a new relationship was going really well until my partner lost his job and had to move to another town, taking a job that is really long hours. This would have left very little time for me. Previously we had been spending loads of time together. The pain this caused has been almost unbearable and I have spent several nights with thoughts of suicide. But I have worked through those feelings without acting upon them. I would say this is the important factor...not ACTING OUT. I learned that one from previous counselling and still act out to some degree, but am more able to pull back from acting out and just experiencing the feeling. This can be very difficult as certainly the feelings feel as if they have been created in the present..but once again they just seem to have been triggered by present circumstances. I hope to God I have resolved a load more issues with these recent harrowing emotions.
Relationship wise, although the recent relationship went wrong due to circumstances and my inability to handle those circumstances, I really think I was managing to connect a lot better than I have with guys in the last 3-4 years. So that is a major improvement and positive step. This can fill me with hope for the future that things are definitely improving within me. And since this relationship, I have had to deal with a number of issues and emotions from the past...so maybe the next relationship will be even better.... and may even last.
Anyway, am rambling on and typing away to anyone that may read my post. Just to say that although life can be difficult and some emotions really unpleasant, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Feelings of despair can change to feelings of hope. Sadness can change to happiness. Emotions are not permanent, however intense they are.
Relationship wise, although the recent relationship went wrong due to circumstances and my inability to handle those circumstances, I really think I was managing to connect a lot better than I have with guys in the last 3-4 years. So that is a major improvement and positive step. This can fill me with hope for the future that things are definitely improving within me. And since this relationship, I have had to deal with a number of issues and emotions from the past...so maybe the next relationship will be even better.... and may even last.
Anyway, am rambling on and typing away to anyone that may read my post. Just to say that although life can be difficult and some emotions really unpleasant, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Feelings of despair can change to feelings of hope. Sadness can change to happiness. Emotions are not permanent, however intense they are.
