I feel as though I have nowhere to turn. We are a very young couple and have been through a lot in our lives. My wife grew up in an extremely abusive household and never had a lot. We have a 3 year old daughter and are expecting another in June. We're on welfare - food stamps and Medicaid to help support the family, and since I lost my job, we basically live off of student loans. We never have quite enough money, especially when emergencies arise, and are constantly in fear of becoming homeless - we've both been there before. We've also got more than $10,000 jointly in debt at the age of 24. The bigger problem is, my wife spends every little amount of extra money we get. She even spends money we DON'T have, saying, "well we're supposed to get $____ in a few weeks..." etc. when this money is certainly not a guarantee, and its happened before that we don't always actually acquire such expected money.
I always give in when she begs me to let her spend because if I don't, she throws a fit and tells me how it's my fault we have no money because I'm the one who budgets it. There's no winning with her. Sometimes she reverts back and says "Let's be wise with out money,", but then as soon as there's something she wants its, "I just want something nice for myself for once." We have a lot of "nice" things, and can't afford to have any more right now...its like she totally forgets about everything she already has. We have a child, another on the way, bills (which constantly go into the red), and basic things to take care of. I'm beginning to think she's bipolar or borderline for many reason including the spending...but I don't know. I can't live in fear of homelessness or having our children taken away. I love her dearly but this is more stress than I can take.
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My wife - spedaholic on welfare wife over-spending
#2
Benjamin Fry 
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Posted 28 March 2010 - 06:27 PM
Hi,
The bottom line here is she is an addict and you are an enabler. Both of these behaviours are the result of trauma from childhood.
There are two ways forward, one "top-down" and the other "bottom-up"; which means the former addresses the behaviour and the latter the trauma that causes it.
To address the behaviour I suggest that you both go to as many 12-step meetings as you can, on any issue. Whatever the addiction (alchol, drugs etc.) you can substitute money in your mind and it makes perfect sense. You particularly should go to Al-Annon meetings where you will get the same parallel.
This also helps with the underlying trauma, but to understand that you'd have to read a book by Peter Levine called Waking the Tiger. He also has a book with an audio CD out more recently which could help you.
The best treatment for trauma is EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (SE). You can google the former and find out the latter from Peter Levine's website. Both require payment, and the best possible treatment is residential at somewhere like Mellody House (which is 3500 a week!). But I want you to know that help exists so that you can work towards it.
Your wife maybe borderline and you might benefit from reading Walking on Eggshells. But the most important thing is that you stop hiding your own pain behind hers, develop your own boundaries, learn to say no and live with the uncomfortable feelings that this causes, and get help for yourself. SHe may or may not get help. You can't tell her too, but if you get well, she might notice, get jealous and follow. You can learn all of that in Al-Annon. Good luck,
Best wishes,
Benjamin
P.S. I have a book which I think is now in the USA called Spendsmart which might help. It is by me and Jay and summarises our work on Spendaholics.
The bottom line here is she is an addict and you are an enabler. Both of these behaviours are the result of trauma from childhood.
There are two ways forward, one "top-down" and the other "bottom-up"; which means the former addresses the behaviour and the latter the trauma that causes it.
To address the behaviour I suggest that you both go to as many 12-step meetings as you can, on any issue. Whatever the addiction (alchol, drugs etc.) you can substitute money in your mind and it makes perfect sense. You particularly should go to Al-Annon meetings where you will get the same parallel.
This also helps with the underlying trauma, but to understand that you'd have to read a book by Peter Levine called Waking the Tiger. He also has a book with an audio CD out more recently which could help you.
The best treatment for trauma is EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (SE). You can google the former and find out the latter from Peter Levine's website. Both require payment, and the best possible treatment is residential at somewhere like Mellody House (which is 3500 a week!). But I want you to know that help exists so that you can work towards it.
Your wife maybe borderline and you might benefit from reading Walking on Eggshells. But the most important thing is that you stop hiding your own pain behind hers, develop your own boundaries, learn to say no and live with the uncomfortable feelings that this causes, and get help for yourself. SHe may or may not get help. You can't tell her too, but if you get well, she might notice, get jealous and follow. You can learn all of that in Al-Annon. Good luck,
Best wishes,
Benjamin
P.S. I have a book which I think is now in the USA called Spendsmart which might help. It is by me and Jay and summarises our work on Spendaholics.
visit benjaminfry.co.uk for more information on my work
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
support getstable.org for better mental health treatment in the UK
#3
*emma*
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Posted 13 June 2010 - 09:58 PM
Benjamin Fry, on 28 March 2010 - 06:27 PM, said:
Hi,
The bottom line here is she is an addict and you are an enabler. Both of these behaviours are the result of trauma from childhood.
There are two ways forward, one "top-down" and the other "bottom-up"; which means the former addresses the behaviour and the latter the trauma that causes it.
To address the behaviour I suggest that you both go to as many 12-step meetings as you can, on any issue. Whatever the addiction (alchol, drugs etc.) you can substitute money in your mind and it makes perfect sense. You particularly should go to Al-Annon meetings where you will get the same parallel.
This also helps with the underlying trauma, but to understand that you'd have to read a book by Peter Levine called Waking the Tiger. He also has a book with an audio CD out more recently which could help you.
The best treatment for trauma is EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (SE). You can google the former and find out the latter from Peter Levine's website. Both require payment, and the best possible treatment is residential at somewhere like Mellody House (which is 3500 a week!). But I want you to know that help exists so that you can work towards it.
Your wife maybe borderline and you might benefit from reading Walking on Eggshells. But the most important thing is that you stop hiding your own pain behind hers, develop your own boundaries, learn to say no and live with the uncomfortable feelings that this causes, and get help for yourself. SHe may or may not get help. You can't tell her too, but if you get well, she might notice, get jealous and follow. You can learn all of that in Al-Annon. Good luck,
Best wishes,
Benjamin
P.S. I have a book which I think is now in the USA called Spendsmart which might help. It is by me and Jay and summarises our work on Spendaholics.
The bottom line here is she is an addict and you are an enabler. Both of these behaviours are the result of trauma from childhood.
There are two ways forward, one "top-down" and the other "bottom-up"; which means the former addresses the behaviour and the latter the trauma that causes it.
To address the behaviour I suggest that you both go to as many 12-step meetings as you can, on any issue. Whatever the addiction (alchol, drugs etc.) you can substitute money in your mind and it makes perfect sense. You particularly should go to Al-Annon meetings where you will get the same parallel.
This also helps with the underlying trauma, but to understand that you'd have to read a book by Peter Levine called Waking the Tiger. He also has a book with an audio CD out more recently which could help you.
The best treatment for trauma is EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (SE). You can google the former and find out the latter from Peter Levine's website. Both require payment, and the best possible treatment is residential at somewhere like Mellody House (which is 3500 a week!). But I want you to know that help exists so that you can work towards it.
Your wife maybe borderline and you might benefit from reading Walking on Eggshells. But the most important thing is that you stop hiding your own pain behind hers, develop your own boundaries, learn to say no and live with the uncomfortable feelings that this causes, and get help for yourself. SHe may or may not get help. You can't tell her too, but if you get well, she might notice, get jealous and follow. You can learn all of that in Al-Annon. Good luck,
Best wishes,
Benjamin
P.S. I have a book which I think is now in the USA called Spendsmart which might help. It is by me and Jay and summarises our work on Spendaholics.
#4
*emma*
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- Group: Members
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- Joined: 13-June 10
Posted 13 June 2010 - 10:06 PM
Benjamin Fry, on 28 March 2010 - 06:27 PM, said:
Hi,
The bottom line here is she is an addict and you are an enabler. Both of these behaviours are the result of trauma from childhood.
There are two ways forward, one "top-down" and the other "bottom-up"; which means the former addresses the behaviour and the latter the trauma that causes it.
To address the behaviour I suggest that you both go to as many 12-step meetings as you can, on any issue. Whatever the addiction (alchol, drugs etc.) you can substitute money in your mind and it makes perfect sense. You particularly should go to Al-Annon meetings where you will get the same parallel.
This also helps with the underlying trauma, but to understand that you'd have to read a book by Peter Levine called Waking the Tiger. He also has a book with an audio CD out more recently which could help you.
The best treatment for trauma is EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (SE). You can google the former and find out the latter from Peter Levine's website. Both require payment, and the best possible treatment is residential at somewhere like Mellody House (which is 3500 a week!). But I want you to know that help exists so that you can work towards it.
Your wife maybe borderline and you might benefit from reading Walking on Eggshells. But the most important thing is that you stop hiding your own pain behind hers, develop your own boundaries, learn to say no and live with the uncomfortable feelings that this causes, and get help for yourself. SHe may or may not get help. You can't tell her too, but if you get well, she might notice, get jealous and follow. You can learn all of that in Al-Annon. Good luck,
Best wishes,
Benjamin
P.S. I have a book which I think is now in the USA called Spendsmart which might help. It is by me and Jay and summarises our work on Spendaholics.
The bottom line here is she is an addict and you are an enabler. Both of these behaviours are the result of trauma from childhood.
There are two ways forward, one "top-down" and the other "bottom-up"; which means the former addresses the behaviour and the latter the trauma that causes it.
To address the behaviour I suggest that you both go to as many 12-step meetings as you can, on any issue. Whatever the addiction (alchol, drugs etc.) you can substitute money in your mind and it makes perfect sense. You particularly should go to Al-Annon meetings where you will get the same parallel.
This also helps with the underlying trauma, but to understand that you'd have to read a book by Peter Levine called Waking the Tiger. He also has a book with an audio CD out more recently which could help you.
The best treatment for trauma is EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (SE). You can google the former and find out the latter from Peter Levine's website. Both require payment, and the best possible treatment is residential at somewhere like Mellody House (which is 3500 a week!). But I want you to know that help exists so that you can work towards it.
Your wife maybe borderline and you might benefit from reading Walking on Eggshells. But the most important thing is that you stop hiding your own pain behind hers, develop your own boundaries, learn to say no and live with the uncomfortable feelings that this causes, and get help for yourself. SHe may or may not get help. You can't tell her too, but if you get well, she might notice, get jealous and follow. You can learn all of that in Al-Annon. Good luck,
Best wishes,
Benjamin
P.S. I have a book which I think is now in the USA called Spendsmart which might help. It is by me and Jay and summarises our work on Spendaholics.
hi benjamin i saw this programme today and was amazed at your help you gave to these people - really impressed - the spendaholics covering up emotional problems is so true and was moved with the programmes - the people you helped and the help you gave - i hate day time tv and all the rubbish with it but this is one programme i will be watching
society though made us spendaholics too so its not all personal problems - we want to fit in so do what the temporary ideology of the day is i think you have to factor that in - now with the recession etc i guess that factor has been given a blow and good riddance too
i am also really interested in you because i am an astrologer - i would love to see your birth chart so can you give me your date of birth place and time? im betting you have a strong scorpio element which is perfect for any psychiatrist lol , take care xxxx
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